When I do not write for some time,it is always because I have some issue getting into my blog. It can be frustrating. But tonight, I have been able to, and it is a cold, wet night, perfect for curling up in your bed under your quilt. My ex is under his with a bad cold, and I am concerned about him. It is crappy when you feel something for someone, and in my instance concern, regard...they have never gone away, even if I thought that I had buried them. I was at his home last week, and he was as unsociable as he has always been. I was in a very different state of mind then. It seemed to me that my very presence irked him and I had to express my annoyance about it to him. We are in such a delicate place, he and I. We have been through a great deal, and I am still chafing from it. Yet, we are now at a place where the focus is on our darling child. But it is still not actually there yet. We have much to do. I come to my blog tonight because of my mixed feelings. I need to know what I want and what challenges my ability to achieve what I ultimately want. For many years I would say that I wanted civility from him. In a way, i have finally gotten that. But in other ways, I have not gotten that from him, because it is quite superficial sometimes. One moment he seems like he can be cordial, and the next, he's being a complete ass. i have to accept that, and I have, but so often, I just want to throw i the towel, becauseI feel as though all of my effort accounts to nothing. But now that he is not feeling well, I feel really sorry for him. he needs some tender loving care, and I can see that despite how he comes across, he is someone still keeping a lot in. This is not my problem, and he does not imbue in me the ability or desire to want to reach out, because when i do, I am rejected....that it simply frustrates. Tonight though, I would say that I can separate my feelings a bit and state that I will talk to him about some of my concerns. ...... Why is it so hard for me to let my feelings follow a certain pathway sometimes? I am going to try to do it now. ...... Everyone getting along...how nice that would be. Calling on the phone without an attitude...easy conversations between rivals...visits, very comfortable meetings...Then, between he and I, the same. Conversations and meetings are easy for both of us. Awkwardness is gone. I actually feel that we are achieving something good. It does not have to be romantic. It has to be mutual. Just writing that make me feel lighter. Imagine I do not dare write something so simple because of the experiences I have had over three decades. How good it would feel to be able to catch his eye, smile and laugh from a genuine place. To be friends. What a relief it would be to me. ....... What's wrong with putting that out there? Imagine holding back from something that would bring so much joy. I am glad that I took the time to do it.