There are times when I have definitely felt as though life was going by without my input, and I must state here that I have also spent a great deal of time thinking that that was a bad thing. It's funny, but being indifferent and allowing life to unfold is a very spiritual choice. Yet, I have felt that somehow, it means that I have been failing in some way. I certainly felt that way when it came to my ex husband a few days ago, where I started to have a conversation with him about our child's future learning opportunities, and all he did was remind me of the court orders. I was so crestfallen! I felt as though nothing I have tried to do has made even a slight dent in his mind. I am also very, very tired of having to go through his mother to get to him. i thought when he was ill last week-end, it would give both of us the opportunity to see how fragile life is. But truthfully, he has not ever had that sensitivity. I was so hurt that I decided yet again to have nothing to do with him, and to focus only on the time that I have access to our child. I have always felt that he wastes time, and time is such a valuable thing. I think that I need to just give myself a moment to lament that and move on.