In a world where selfies, I-phone 7's and Instagram rule the day, it sometimes feels as though stepping aside from the rush of daily life is somehow a dramatic move to make. When I wrote the other day about my Auntie Sapphire, I really was moved by the person she was. I have aways found that I look at other things and other people, ascribing power of some sort to them. I would be impressed with anybody but myself. Lol.I could vicariously state what they had done or what they planned to do next. There lives seemed more precious or special than my own in a way. It was subtle, and I could have missed that I was doing that with my thinking. It was not to say that I was not hoping, wishing or planning things for myself. It was just that in doing so, I was not inclined to 'invest' in my own thoughts about my wellbeing. As stated before, it was easier to look outside myself and ascribe emotion to someone else life. For years I began to slowly adjust that thinking. I would write in my diaries at the very top...focus ONLY on what You want...very suspicious of the word...YOU. You could very easily push my thoughts to 'other'. So I eventually got around it, to writing, Focus on WHAT "I" want. This proved to be a challenge as well, as my bad habit of not wanting to confront deep emotional adjustments would instantly latch on to where my thoughts were going and distract me in so many ways. it would become exhausting to push my mind back to finding my answers for myself. An example of this part of my thinking is as follows-: on my job, I may be doing a task and someone asks me to help them with something else, promising me payment for my efforts. I agree and approach the task with gusto. I might even finish faster and truly make everyone look good once its done. Then all of a sudden, the same promise of payment becomes something murky. Something vague...i am told to write to this person, go to that office, ask this or that person...I know that someone has played a nasty game, and that my payment was a way to steal from me. My habit is to drag my feet. The whole thing now becomes so unpleasant to me, that I take my time bringing things to justice. That is my attitude, and this year, I have been confronting that about myself. I have pushed and stayed on topic. I have NOT allowed the awkward situation to get the better of me and made excuses for the unfairness done to me. I have pursued the unjust experience and called people on their callous behavior. It has made me stronger. I still feel a sense of dread when I have to stand up for myself in matters like that, but I am now doing it and not stepping away.