You have projected onto yourself a world of your own imagination, based on memories, on desires and fears, and you have imprisoned yourself in it. Break the spell and be free. Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

I just read back other entries from this year and the one I just did sounds leagues different. However, I would not change anything about it. I have been feeling that way of late, and I have acknowledged it. I was extremely grateful when I had those two people in my life. I never took them for granted. Now, I feel aware of their absence. I can't not feel that. They mattered a great deal to me for a very, very long time. To have been managing without them has been something that I have just glossed over. I do not think that I have ever really sat down and admitted to myself that I am angry, and sad, and deeply hurt for losing them. I feel disappointed, and lost, because although they did not own my thinking as it were, they were instrumental in my being as strong as I was. They gave me the impetus to feel that with both of them in my corner, my plans that came into my head could be vetted, and happen because they were just in my world, being their with me. I miss that. I miss that my plans are things I do not share as I used to. I still get excited about doing creative things from a germ of an idea. But it is not the same.

so much was going on after my divorce that I think that i didn't have any opportunity to feel sorry for myself. Then one dramatic thing after the other occurred in my life...not that it has necessarily abated. But now, lately I have been feeling a crest of sadness about the two people who were the closest in my life. I know that all I can do is sit and live with it and not take it on too much. But at the moment I am taking it on for some reason or the other. Perhaps I am a little lonely? I feel as though nothing in the last few years has gone to plan for me emotionally. This topic makes me uncomfortable. But I know that when I feel this sort of discomfort, it is important to understand why. It is possibly the time of year as well. I would usually be doing things with people I love, and that has not been the case for a very long time. I have moved on as I must, but it has not been the same. I don't know what to do? I have assumed that it is me? Perhaps I am not ready to make new friends? Or perhaps I am too insulated? I don't really know anymore? I also don't really like complaining...even though every entry here is probably filled with me complaining all the time!? Professionally I work really hard...everything I do, I put effort into it. Yet, I find that for all of my efforts, I am not all that thrilled with the outcomes sometime. The last project I was working on, I was guaranteed certain things, I kept up mu=y end, and bam...they ran into problems and I have to be the understanding one. This is a completely new group of people and all I can say is same shit, different day! I am so disappointed! I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. What the hell! I miss my best friend, I could have said anything to him, and we worked together so damn well. I am bitching and complaining, and he's dead!He's been gone for an age now! I am not feeling secure about anything, and perhaps that is normal. But tonight I am just feeling it closer to my skin.

Something major

Something major happened this evening. Well, two major things. My daughter got her period! Waw! She got it with me being there, so that was good for her. The other thing was my meeting. I finally had it with the person who hired me to do an eight week Saturday program. Part of the whole thing felt weird, as the things that I understood, and what had been discussed seemed not to gibe at all. This meant that I had to sit and listen and try to pick sense out of what I was hearing. The last time that I went through something like that I was in Scotland. It was so funny. Everyone was talking about all the amazing places they had just gone to,or were about to go to, and who they know in some important circle.It was surreal at the time. What was striking with this meeting was the way that the information was being disseminated.This "project' is a scheme of sorts, and I was brought on in a roundabout kind of way. The person who is co-ordinating it is a bit of a dynamo. She thought she had known me in a different way, so when she approached me, she was very friendly...not knowing that she really didn't know me that well. Anyway, this person has many, many hats in the proverbial fire, and clearly has her hats in the right fires. Her skill base is diverse, and just I had felt when I had visited my ex's home and saw how simple, consistent choices can look like your a genius, I felt that way when she started to speak about all of her achievements. Now, I again, was not envious of her. What I was , as I was with his house was mindful. Mindful of what we all do with what we have and know and consider. What we do with our choices. I know that I would not have made such decisions back then because I took a very different path. What I was looking at then, and was looking at with this person in this meeting, was the fact that perspective is everything. I made a commitment to myself to be resourceful with my own child. Although it is already clear to me that she is very different from me where that is concerned. She is not being brought up as I was. There is a lot more practicality happening in her life by a matter of course. This person's way of seeing was infectious. Clearly she talks and plans and her team seem ready to go. I see a bit of my old self in her. Not this present person who finds herself limping from thing to thing. It took one mis-step to be forever catching up, I have found, and I don't want to be there anymore. This person reminded me of my optimism, my confidence, my vision, and I am so glad for that.

the how...

The first one is a fold away environment on wheels. I will find out the cost of renting spaces on campus. There is a food cart not to far from where I have to be, so I can ask what they pay for the parking spot. The cart stays there all of the time. Also, I met a really nice girl the last time I was at the other entrance of the space. She had a lovely display, and I was so grateful that I was not swayed by the look of everything and only bought one thing from her to taste test. Her stuff was awful, but the way she set up was very lovely. I can also ask her what her rent may be. When I think about fold away environments, I think about selling flowers, or going the "clean eating" route. But also, there are other things that can be considered. My objective os to start one point of sale space and then tweet them as really beautiful spaces, almost sculptural objects that dot the landscape and provide a feel good vibe. What they are used for, I will resolve. I just want to write all of this down and get a sense of what I would like all of this to be. I remember being in London and walking up to a store where there was a dais made of wood that I found to be extremely beautiful, I took pictures of it, but for some reason, I cannot find the, But, I recall that they dais was big enough for people to stop and sit, and enjoy the weather, eat, park their bike and there were even plants on it. We have no such history here, and we have street dwellers who would just take something like that over. But I truly like the idea of softening landscapes, and in this country, we damn well need things that make people feel better about themselves. The point is to try. The point is to give the public a new experience. Give people employment. I literally create a business that someone can manage and buy outright from me, or rent from me. It sounds really a bit far fetched, and I have a lot of questions for myself as I state these thoughts. But, nothing ventured,, nothing gained. It allows me to do a number of things I long to do, in a way that gets them all to line up and make complete sense to me. 1. Create a beautiful, organic environment/landmark 2. Monetize the OE/L for a business. 3. Rent it or sell it. 4. Create a new one. ........ At the very least, I could re-design existing street carts for vendors who are on the streets right now and have precarious spaces, like the Shoe Healer I was forced to visit last year when my heel suddenly broke. He has a busted umbrella, rickety table and nowhere for me to sit while I waited. Naturally I would have to see how this could become a 'thing." People hate change. All of my boxes are still ticked though. My OE/L would still make great spots for advertising and solar charging phones. So, I know that I am onto something nonetheless. more on this soon.

pioneering spirit

My work schedule has reduced as I wanted it to. Now I have the time to plot and plan doing the other work that will liberate me from the challenges I have faced for nearly a decade. It has been so difficult, and this new plan of mine has not been vetted, apart from my desire to make it happen, and I believe that that is all I need right now. I had a lovely eureka moment today as I was reading some really good articles on a number of subjects. I realized that one of my projects is already underway, I was just not thinking about it that way. That was a nice surprise to me. Then, this afternoon, I read some helpful things about my plans, and that gave me the needed adrenaline push, and now, I am here. My thoughts are that I will create a project from scratch. I am writing this, and thinking it through with no prior direction per say...I would register the name, I would do all of the preparations for the development of the project...I will source one or two people to help sell the product and then offer the whole thing for rent and/or sale. I have no idea how a small part of it will actually work out, but this is the thought, and I feel very good about it. I had an idea in the vein of this gosh, twenty five years ago. I even had my own family behind it, but somehow it never got off the ground. What I am very happy about as I write this now, is that much of the things that would have made writing this seem defeatist, is no longer the way I think about my ideas. In the past I would write this, and then after putting this computer away, I would get fixated on all of the things that could go wrong. Or I would remember many of the other ideas I have had and look at them from a place of disappointment in how far, or not far they got. I don't have time to think like that anymore. Whatever I need to know about this idea, I will do, and learn and make happen, and I shall write about it here, because I am my biggest fan. I have made my first step, here, tonight, and I am going to succeed and moreso, wonder how I ever talked myself out of my greatness that I have always had inside me.