some good things happened today. A big one was the success of a project that I guided someone with. They had moments of considerable doubt, and lots of stops and starts. But they kept at it, and finally today they were able to get to the end and receive the accolades they deserved. I was so happy for her. She inspired me. The other thing was my speaking with a colleague and getting more firm information on my own project. Also, hearing myself sound clear about what is going on in my working life right now was great for me. Having that clarity means that I am no longer just looking at my life through a narrow lense. every day is an opportunity to do better and to start anew. It was also a good day for my relative who is in the hospital. She is slowly improving and has moved to a facility to restore her mobility. Another relative has also had someone give them excellent advice and support toward getting their dream realized. It was just a great thing to see positive outcomes in action.

what a week waw

There were insights this week that came with my willingness to put the work in to change the things that bothered me. i may have stated before that I experienced what can only be described as myself looking upon things in my life from above. A sort of overview. Where I was able to reflect, yet, not be judgmental in my reflection. I was able to see it the way one would see a town or a city. When one looks from above, one does not pick out what is wrong with the individual parts.I could see a few parts a bit closer than others, and I could even see my ex-husband and what he came into our relationship with. It was then that I could look upon his behavior as the product of his very child-like desire to be loved and protected from disappointment.I was able to see how his wrong thinking has carried him all of this time and how much we both have struggled with that level of self doubt. Without believing the same thing within as you feel without- you have no chance of changing anything about yourself. I set about to work on that a few years ago, and I am deeply grateful for having done so. It took awhile to teach myself how to do it. In fact I don't think that I can even explain to anyone else how to make what is within match what is without...apart from stating here that there is no way around going into yourself...asking yourself every time you see something lovely where people are interacting and you are observing and re-acting...what are you feeling when you see love or partnership? Or trust, or friendship? What are you feeling? Isn't that lovely, do you remember when you felt that, or had that? Do you want to experience that again? Or do you want your own version of that sense of joy? For emotional experiences, that's how you have to build up the outer and inner connecting.You have to feel your inner workings. You have to listen to what your inner monologue is constantly telling you. You have to feel what you feel when you are running on adrenaline or fear, doubt , tiredness, pettiness...everything and begin to inwardly change your temperature by getting to know who you are. It really is no different than the scene in The Matrix when Morpheus had to tell Neo that he, Neo had never used his muscles before. Why this is not taught in schools? I have no idea. But I know that I have to teach it to my girl. I know for a fact that although I searched and researched Spirituality from an early age, it still has taken a lifetime to understand that I know nothing. It has challenged me that I have wondered about action and re-action. I have been befuddled by energies. Listened to family and friends around me speak of obeah and miracles,prayer, fasting and rituals. I have chosen to use my positive thinking, logic, compassion,realistic expectations and spontaneity to achieve my beliefs. I've been Athiest, Catholic,Muslim,Jehovah Witness and Hindu. I have listened to Buddhism and New Age. In all that time, life is moving on. The journey is to be had. There is no prize for best. It is about living and that is it. What is the point of life? To live.

In Memorium

The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror and each will smile at the other’s welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life. — Derek Walcott (1930 - 2017)

OMG

I decided to read over my post, and the most fascinating thing happened. I got this startling hunch that I could reprogram all that transpired with my ex husband. What I mean by that, is this... in a blink of an eye,I saw myself able to live as I would actually like and no hassle from him. I saw an agreeable person, a changed person in him. It went by faster than I could snap my finger, but I had the concentration to see it. This has happened to me before, years ago, with something else. Lol. What a lovely moment that was. It felt calm, and happy, quite lovely. Our child was so happy in that moment. Waw! I must state that the vision was about peace. Plain and simple. P E A C E

Affirming

I did what I always do when my emotions challenge me...I find as much spiritual guidance as possible, and find that it is always helpful to me. I am very fortunate, because I have had some amazing moments in my life that have helped me see very clearly that there is way more to life than what one sees at first. I began the first of my diversification projects today. What is interesting about it is that nothing has changed in terms of keep backs. What has changed though is that I am aware of them, but they are like accessories that I will pay no mind to. I set out to do certain things this year,and that is what I choose to look at. Looking at it feels so good. I found an image from an Artist on Instagram that was so cute. Then, I visited one of two of the people I interviewed for my book - and we had a great chat about materials as we explored them. Both conversations were truly wonderful. I got a deep hankering to get my work together. This I certainly will do by the end of this week. Making one step has been so helpful for me. Purpose is everything.

two

So, after having a really positive outlook on life, it seemed to me that negative things just kept pounding me. Eventually I found that I only expected the worst. It takes an awful lot to be able to see the best when the proof always appears to be the opposite. I felt very skittish and distrustful of anything good happening for me.However, I have had a few things that have always worked in my favor. I have always had my tenacity, humor and creativity. I would say that that is a lot! Despite how I have felt, I see that I inspire people around me. I have been waiting to have what I believe should be some worldwide plan of action that should plow me to the top of the world.In fact, recently, I have noted that one or two things have come about and I have said to myself that I can get behind that and put out all of the stops...but then I have to pull back because they turn into lame ducks. My answer to myself today is that I should and I will make my daily life one triumphant move at a time because life is a miracle. What my friend talked with me about is the knowledge that I am not incapable of changing my situation, no matter how bleak it may appear. I can take my matter in hand and using the force of my will and ability to maneuver, I can turn things around.

one

Recently I did some work for a friend of mine and in return she answered a question that I had. She is a life coach and I felt that my ex had really seemed to be amping up his nasty behavior above and beyond my ability to move past it. I was feeling stumped by everything. I'd been offered a project, read the contract, negotiated a better figure, begun the project and bam...my payment was pushed back. I finished the project last week and as of today, i am still waiting to be paid. Then my other job is going on apace and I am yet to receive the contract for that, despite letters written and promises made. That, coupled with ill parents and visitors coming to look at work and then never returning, trying to get work back from a colleague who is just ignoring me and getting rejected for funding of my book project as well as no reply for support for my upcoming trip...well. it just seemed like a stack of negativity piling up endlessly. Something had to give. My friend basically let me know that I can trust mu instincts. Although, I still have one or two questions about what she told me. One of the people I admired deeply in the world was my mothers cousin. She seemed to let nothing phase her. She went from strength to strength. She had a few businesses, and she brought up my two cousins after she divorced their father and took on three of her brothers children without any help.She never gave up and she had the looks of a glamorous film actress, a great sense of humor, she was extremely artistic and creative and she was very self contained. After her husband, I do not recall any men in her life. I recall most of all her building her dream house and how beautiful it was, She had at least three courtyards with vines and spanish tiles, fraught iron grillwork sandlots of natural light peeking in.She was born in London and lived there most of her life, but she left and made the places she ended up living, her home with ease.Her sons, my cousins are remarkable men because she brought them up and gentle yet strong people. Auntie died under strange circumstances. We believe that she started a business with an investor who may have poisoned her. Waw...Yes, very dramatic story.My cousin only got vague information about her death from the person and when going through her personal effects saw discrepancies with her money. The person swindled her.One day I hope to get to the bottom of that story. So, back to my story...I feel as though I can look at myself for a moment as though I am observing from a great height. In doing so, I am not making a judgement, I am simply an observer. I can see where I have let my emotions run rings over my life. I see how I was brought up to think a certain way, and to let certain things affect me more than others. I see the person that I was being a complete stranger to me, and more than ever, I see myself through endless possibilities of the now. That is perhaps the greatest gift from these times. For ll the foot and hand tying going on as I do my best to move forward, I will not be swayed. I will persevere. This is the first part of this entry.

on another note

I had a very good day, thinking through my business plan today. it may be slow going, but it occupies my thoughts and every day I feel great when I am in that frame of mind. I admit that I am also a bit antsy about just starting anywhere. However, I like the process.

settling in between

Over the last few weeks, I have been through a number of family health scares, and it has changed my outlook on a number of things. I have to state that I am very grateful, as I believe that only going through what I did, could have created my mindset now. I had a great deal of skepticism about prayer. I was big on it as a child, and then as I got older, it seemed to only matter as a very last resort. Then I concluded that it was a good way to centre the mind and had meditative powers. But I didn't give it much appreciation until recently. In my family it is a relatively big deal for my mothers side of the family, and the women on my fathers side. Now, I find it very comforting to do. I won't say that I am suddenly great at it, but it has now become something I feel good about. Then the next thing, is the coming to terms with my ex-husband. I have been steadily doing it, but I would say that I should write that I have to put in writing, here online that I am letting everything go. I get into my mind and I dredge up our past whenever I have to communicate with him, and it drains me. I think that once and for all, I have to state some things to myself as a way to move on. One of the things that I have to conclude is that I know that the things I so desperately wanted to see changed for the better, I could not get. I could not get he and my parents to get along for example. Now, I have to turn that to me. Perhaps he just will never be my friend again. Perhaps, he will always have nothing but his present obvious contempt every time he has to deal with me. I need to not react to that. I react because it feels really awful to me still to think that he doesn't like me...which means that I clearly still hold him in greater regard than I hold my own feeling for myself. If I didn't then, what he may think should mean nothing to me, and I have yet to reach to a place where I can feel that in my heart. It sucks that I am writing that, but I am willing to bare my feelings about this as a way to get it out of me. He disappointed me, but I still carry the burden of wanting his regard! Waw! That is simply completely absurd, but that seems to be the case. I really put him up on a pedestal. Good god! Why did I have the need to worship anyone? My upbringing comes into this. I see my mother do that with my father and she is as attracted to my father for the same reasons I was attracted to my ex-husband. It has been ingrained in me to think that thats how it is. Yet, I push violently away from any man who tries to control me. So my instincts are not in alignment with my learning. I think that that may be my saving grace. I can find my way past my reactions of the past. I just need to acknowledge myself under all of the layers of perceived protection and living that I have done, where constant blaming of myself was in train. I am happy to write that stepping away from parental perception or ex-husband perception and finding my voice is the greatest thing I can do for myself, and what a damn relief at that.

wild optimism

For some time I have been searching for the opening to a more productive way to approach my challenges in my life. I have been very fortunate over the last few years to have been able to focus and meditate enough to realize that answers are all around me, if I take the time to look. Yet sometimes living gets in the way. Well today, I was buoyed up by one of my favorite Mentors. I visited him and as always, just the opportunity to sit with him, well, that made a world of difference. When you know that its the thinking, the planning and the knowing that you need to break out of whatever is holding you back...yet you feel paralyzed at the same time...it can be something else. It is so very true that you need to seek out alternatives...whether it be in a conversation or finding another path to get to somewhere you have to go...it is important to do whatever you can to get out of whatever rut keeps you rooted. Today I was able to do that. Today when we spoke, I discussed ideas. I felt such liberation, particularly because of the fact that everything I suggested and felt strongly about was met with encouragement. Nothing said faced some sort of negative reasoning. It was so refreshing. Also, when I left him and visited another friend, who was in doubt about all that I have found he has accomplished...I was able to return the favor. Then tonight I found this wonderful quote that I shall share here...

So much has gone on in the last two weeks that for the first time since my divorce, I for a moment wished that my ex husband could give me a hug. I don't know why him, but he came to mind. I suppose that I have been feeling really, really vulnerable lately. It has been a lot of turmoil and just faith keeping me going. But sometimes that is how it is. I am even too tired to really write. I just wanted to make a note here.