down the rabbit hole

One of the big things I tackled this year was listening to my gut against my logic and also observing what motivates my actions at times. I also am curious about the way I have a tendency to have two strong opposing points of view that I play on a loop until I wear myself out, solving nothing in the process. What has helped with that attitude though is that I can see how I struggle with a decision that has no clear benefit to me. What should I do? I would ask myself. The element of risk pulling and pushing me. Eventually I conclude that nothing ventured, nothing gained....until I face the challenge again. It is clear that I want a certain outcome based on a win/win situation for me. The grappling is with my logic and ego. I think that I have come to realize that I am actually watching a boxing match between two parts of my personality that I consider very highly. Lol. How do I handle a rift between what I desire and my choice to be risk averse? Now that I know what it is, I see that I have the opportunity to look at what I desire and then ask myself do I actually want it? If my answers are excuses as to why I do not want to venture , then I know that my ego is firmly in place. If I push past my ego, I usually experience relief, whether I get what I want or not. My ego is fortress (like) in relation to my swirl of thoughts.I admit that it has served me well in the past. But now its stuborness has got me wondering about its build. I have also found that while I am going on and on in my mind about what I should and should not do...want and do not want....the world turns. My reality keeps me back as much as it propels me forward. All of the choices to be made add up or do not add up. I am forever sifting and weighing the best outcome. Yet, the best outcome is actually a farce when I really think about it. it is an illusion about control. Things can slip out of your carefully structured plans in an instant. Yet, plod on we all must in the end. The spookiest part too is that no matter what you think of anyone...it's always yourself you reflect in the end.

At the end of the year it is inevitable that I get introspective. This year was a bit of a rollercoaster. My father's health was a very large issue and then I had my own emotional tumult. They crowned 2018. However, there were also other milestones that I consider now as forms of wisdom. The year raced by. I have so much to complete and to begin. There is much to look forward to. I am grateful for everything I have experienced. I move to the new year full of expectations and awareness that the unknown will be met with my best efforts.

yes, I know and Its new to me again

Yesterday it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. I am keeping my good back. I am preventing myself from having the life that I say I want. What brought this cold reality home? A series of things...observing the successes of a few people around me, and my attitude about helping others in every way that I can. The way I talk to myself for example, I would not do that to anyone. The way that I lament certain things that I should do in my life...but if someone came and had my reservations, I would provide the energy and optimism to tell them to reach for their dreams. What is bothering me specifically is how close I always am to what I desire. I say that I want to start businesses that I can then either sell off to others or have others run. I say that I love to travel. I say that I desire romance in my life. This year I spent a great deal of time thinking about how to get these things done. If I were giving advice to someone not myself, I would have done the needful. Just a few days ago, I was looking at one of my many lists of things that I have to accomplish, and I noticed that I have a tendency to put the serious things I need to do for myself, last. One of them in renewing my drivers license. I have not done it in three years!!!!! I never used to do that. I always renewed it when it came due. I am oversimplifying a bit however. I have bills that come due and a salary that is erratic. But still, I have desires to do certain things, and I must get to doing the things that I desire to do and to stop putting myself last.

human frailty

Everything always comes down to how I see myself. I know this, and I am working more than ever to understand my moods. I check in with myself, what I am feeling and thinking. Why I am up and then down at times. I am trying to come to grips with my world and what I want within it. Ever so often I am thrown off by how much I still carry hurts, slights and disappointments in my past. I vicariously live through the experiences of others. This includes watching movies, reading online, you name it. I am stationary at home, not having the life I am attracted to. Wondering, who am I now? Sometimes I don't recognize myself. It must be age. Suddenly I'm conservative sometimes, and its mostly about what I can and cannot afford. If I had the money, I wouldn't even blink about what I would be doing. I miss my friends who have passed away. I miss my old relationships. I know that I am on a new path,and that has its optimism based on the new. But somehow I am melancholy too. I feel tired sometimes. I wonder what to think next to propel me into a place where everything will feel good again. I get mad at myself. How much more of my brooding can I take? I live in my head so much. Thank god that I do so many things or else I probably would be even worse. But then, there are times when I am so up, so confident, so thankful, so appreciative of just breathing in air.

and the winner is...

The contrast between what I last wrote and where I am now is like night and day. I have made a decision about my husband as I affectionately called him. Interestingly, the name does not smart when I write it. That is saying something. I have spent over a year with him in my every thought. He affected me profoundly. I cannot assume that I did the same. I have waited with great patience to see where everything could lead, and I now conclude that I am the one who has had their hopes dashed. I put on my big girl panties as the saying goes, and I am walking away. I do it with sadness, no doubt about it. But when my mind tells me that I am the one making the effort, and i am the one wanting to believe something with no evidence to the contrary, I feel uncomfortable about it. Whatever it is that I thought, or that I was lead to believe, I am now here. I still hold him in my heart. My damn feelings have not gone away. However, I also feel that staying in limbo would do me a great dis-service. I believe that their is better and better ahead for me, whether he finds his way back or we never speak again. He represents an important time in my life, where I thought I could not love again. I thank him and I also thank myself for the stance that I am making now. I love this person writing this entry. I am pleased with her strength, resilience and spirit.