human frailty

Everything always comes down to how I see myself. I know this, and I am working more than ever to understand my moods. I check in with myself, what I am feeling and thinking. Why I am up and then down at times. I am trying to come to grips with my world and what I want within it. Ever so often I am thrown off by how much I still carry hurts, slights and disappointments in my past. I vicariously live through the experiences of others. This includes watching movies, reading online, you name it. I am stationary at home, not having the life I am attracted to. Wondering, who am I now? Sometimes I don't recognize myself. It must be age. Suddenly I'm conservative sometimes, and its mostly about what I can and cannot afford. If I had the money, I wouldn't even blink about what I would be doing. I miss my friends who have passed away. I miss my old relationships. I know that I am on a new path,and that has its optimism based on the new. But somehow I am melancholy too. I feel tired sometimes. I wonder what to think next to propel me into a place where everything will feel good again. I get mad at myself. How much more of my brooding can I take? I live in my head so much. Thank god that I do so many things or else I probably would be even worse. But then, there are times when I am so up, so confident, so thankful, so appreciative of just breathing in air.