down the rabbit hole

One of the big things I tackled this year was listening to my gut against my logic and also observing what motivates my actions at times. I also am curious about the way I have a tendency to have two strong opposing points of view that I play on a loop until I wear myself out, solving nothing in the process. What has helped with that attitude though is that I can see how I struggle with a decision that has no clear benefit to me. What should I do? I would ask myself. The element of risk pulling and pushing me. Eventually I conclude that nothing ventured, nothing gained....until I face the challenge again. It is clear that I want a certain outcome based on a win/win situation for me. The grappling is with my logic and ego. I think that I have come to realize that I am actually watching a boxing match between two parts of my personality that I consider very highly. Lol. How do I handle a rift between what I desire and my choice to be risk averse? Now that I know what it is, I see that I have the opportunity to look at what I desire and then ask myself do I actually want it? If my answers are excuses as to why I do not want to venture , then I know that my ego is firmly in place. If I push past my ego, I usually experience relief, whether I get what I want or not. My ego is fortress (like) in relation to my swirl of thoughts.I admit that it has served me well in the past. But now its stuborness has got me wondering about its build. I have also found that while I am going on and on in my mind about what I should and should not do...want and do not want....the world turns. My reality keeps me back as much as it propels me forward. All of the choices to be made add up or do not add up. I am forever sifting and weighing the best outcome. Yet, the best outcome is actually a farce when I really think about it. it is an illusion about control. Things can slip out of your carefully structured plans in an instant. Yet, plod on we all must in the end. The spookiest part too is that no matter what you think of anyone...it's always yourself you reflect in the end.