and the winner is...

The contrast between what I last wrote and where I am now is like night and day. I have made a decision about my husband as I affectionately called him. Interestingly, the name does not smart when I write it. That is saying something. I have spent over a year with him in my every thought. He affected me profoundly. I cannot assume that I did the same. I have waited with great patience to see where everything could lead, and I now conclude that I am the one who has had their hopes dashed. I put on my big girl panties as the saying goes, and I am walking away. I do it with sadness, no doubt about it. But when my mind tells me that I am the one making the effort, and i am the one wanting to believe something with no evidence to the contrary, I feel uncomfortable about it. Whatever it is that I thought, or that I was lead to believe, I am now here. I still hold him in my heart. My damn feelings have not gone away. However, I also feel that staying in limbo would do me a great dis-service. I believe that their is better and better ahead for me, whether he finds his way back or we never speak again. He represents an important time in my life, where I thought I could not love again. I thank him and I also thank myself for the stance that I am making now. I love this person writing this entry. I am pleased with her strength, resilience and spirit.