If I were to analyze my year, I would say that I was on an emotional rollercoaster. I have been like a little boat within an ocean of feelings. It has made me think and write a great deal about what I experienced. Now I am a bit more settled about what it was all about. I remember that I had a what if evening where I was considering what it would take to have a relationship with my ex where we could be together but not obligated to go back to what it was...a friend with benefits arrangement of sorts. I Googled what could happen if I took that thought to action and decided that it was not for me. The next day, I met someone and my life changed. I got what I assume is a Cocaine hit of feelings that tripped me out and I didn't know what to do with myself. Then the person who caused the rush of emotions just disappeared and confused me even more and got me barfing up my emotions in a violent way. It became clear that all of the stuff coming from me was for me. I am still moved. I am still hopeful I am also in a way, breaking through to myself in ways that I believe I never would have been able to do if not for the last year. A cocktail of intense feelings prevented me from my usual tight, logical, controlling personality. I embraced the side of me that is spontaneous. I stared down being alright with my anger and other things that I do not reflect outright. I would say that I balanced myself. All of this did not happen easily. I put up a personal fight. Admitting what I wanted was the start. Amazingly enough, this too was hard to do. Why? It was uncharted ground. My land, but un-analyzed to death, so it seemed pristine. I am now going towards the things that I resist. I find that confronting what challenges me is very good for me. I am uncomfortable, curious and aware that other confrontations have been very good for me. So I expect that more of the same is going to happen. I have wanted to have a relationship with my husband, as I am still determined to call him. Nothing has worked out and I have been juggling my emotions on that one. I have received so very much, and want more, and it is all so flawed because it is partly absence that makes the heart grow fonder and it is the best part of the treatment that makes me long for more. The fracture between what was taken in and what was experienced after is the rub. Silence does nothing to help the feelings that run unbridled. I cannot cork them off no matter how hard I try to. So today I told myself why not reflect them into myself. Sort of see them as what I emit outward believing that it is coming from my memory of him when it may indeed just be me reflecting my own desires out. I am what I ultimately want. I confess that there are times when I do still think that I don't see how it could work? We are definately from very different worlds! Yet, he touched mine so deftly and the impression left has altered me significantly and I wish that I could have done the same.Then at other times, I am certain that I have done the same. Ultimately it really doesn't matter, because my outcome stays the same.