new leaf

When I look back on moments of my life that felt like some insurmountable challenge, I realize that most of the turbulence was being caused by my thoughts. It always had to do with feeling pulled and pushed to make whatever I felt was the 'right' decision. In every case, it was really about coming to terms with 'my' decision over that of all of the noise of the thing in question. A few days ago my contract was not renewed from my job that I have held for a decade. It was unexpected but I was not completely surprised. The company is under new management, and the person writing to me, as I have come to understand, wants to stock their position with people they want. All of this is understandable, and I was fully aware that nothing is promised. However, the way in which the person chose to alert me and the way in which they wrote to me was problematic. They went about it in a way to make me feel insecure and to thinly allude to their dislike of my approach to doing things because they were not doing what they were supposed to do, and I have been showing them up...inadvertently. This is an interesting moment for me. I have wanted to leave that place for a long time. Every time I have tried, I have been met with roadblocks. This time, I was just released without anything in place to hold to, but already, two days after the incident, I feel lighter. I look better. I am better for it. In hindsight I also notice now that in so many ways, your inner self and your body knows what is going on. It is the mixed messages that have kept me insecure. I have not always felt that I can achieve what I want to achieve in the way I want to and the noise of the world and of people and their opinions can and do distract you if you need others to help you build your dream and they just don't see it or believe it themselves. Its tough to toil alone trying to make something out of thin air.The fear to move forward or to make a mistake has to do with that awareness, the sensitivity to all of the energy around you. In a way, my empathy is like countless television shows where the person gets a super power and that power is the ability to hear everyone's thoughts. The empath is picking that up all the time, and because of that, it is difficult to act sometimes. So as I told my daughter yesterday, you really have to be firm about who you are and what you want for yourself. That is the only way to shield yourself from all of the things that come down on you. Of course I wish that I had known that a million years ago. But I know it now. This is also why, the sitting with myself quietly and slowly talking with myself, asking myself what am I feeling? That is so important for me to do. My becoming my ally and friend in the way that I am, is so necessary to achieve the goals I set out for myself. For that, I am right on time.