ultimately

One of the things that I have been fighting with and could not quite put into words was the thought that being on my own and not having my closest friend or ex-husband around meant that somehow I was missing something. I think that I was not acknowledging the void that was left when they both stepped out of my life. I barely had any opportunity to rail and grieve their loss, so Instead I lived and survived with the loss. That being the case, I have had a hard time with on the one hand stating the things that I want and then confronting what it takes to get it. I have gone to bed many a night in turmoil. Then recently I was looking at some fluff piece on Netflix and realized what I had been resisting. For such a very long time, I had some assurances in my life. My best friend was someone who built a personal world with me, as did my ex-husband. Whatever was going on in my life, they provided a buffer in many ways. Now that they are not here, it is as though I have had to learn to live with the elements. Then, another thing came up as well. In a decade, I have not been the person to pursue anyone. Of the persons I have had around me, they called, they pursued. I did not encourage any advances. Going forward, I see that so many things feel like uncharted territory, and it is scary but also very exciting. ......... It's funny, there is dependence in independence sometimes. I had built up my own little world that I manouvered around all those years. It didn't always go well, but on reflection, I may be romanticizing the past, but knowing things in hindsight, there was much to be pleased with. ........ Untouched ground is exciting too. I have come very far from where I started out. I think that I can state that I am grateful for every step and every day. Nothing is promised, but so much is possible. To come into my own I have had to go through quite a great deal, and this last year , where I faced aspects of myself that I usually keep so much under control is still affecting me. Coming to terms with certain expectations not panning out, and knowing however that that does not mean that it is a failure or that I cannot expect something else or better or else is a way. I have seen how much I can hold to beliefs or actions that suddenly I have had to let go in an instant. All of the adjustments and shifts have felt at times like too much. But ultimately, aren't I the lucky one, because it is ultimately called "life.'