This weekend my daughter and I spent time together and as always we had a lovely time.With her I take on every moment. It was also good because of two meetings, one in person and the other online. Can you imagine remembering what what you do really means to you from two simple experiences? That was my weekend. What it did was remind me of the curiosity, the joy of creativity...the hunches and the hopes. I looked around the large garage space that we have, A spae that I have been given to do my work, but I have hesitated because of how much what I do is more about a comfy cushioned seat. where I spread things out in an intimately orchestrated way. But I looked at it on Saturday and thought about it again. Then, a friend had a sympsium and listening to her work. I was inspired all over again. The excitment of the audacity to go out on a limb and work instinctively and through compulsion. Somehow the doubt goes, the process and the outcome instead are writ large. Being part of it....I remember.

and finally

The scariest thing about all that I am writing is the conclusion I have come to that I make everything happen. I make it by what I do and what I do not do. Sure I can dig into my history and all that. But what about how my mind works? Is it that I cause every single emotion to come out of me the way that it does? I set up every situation to achieve some bigger outcome so that I can have something to worry my mind about. As though I am distracting myself so I miss the bigger picture? The bigger picture being that slow road to inevitable death? WHy am I not filling my thoughts with roses and cash? Why?Lol? But seriously! I remember a friend of my ex-husband saying to him, don't make any sudden hand gestures...referring to a conference that he had to go to. The person was speaking about race and stereotyping at the time. Should I not make any sudden gestures that draw attention to my bigger, better, more hope filled self? Is it that I dont feel confident to be in my world? I have been given this body and live in this part of the world, and I have been given every advantage that I could have been given. So what is my issue? Is it that I am dissatisfied with what I have made? Have I really made anything of note? I could go on all day. I see that I have made the best decisions for my circumstances at every step. I have seen the countless times that a decision seemed like that hardest, toughest thing in the world to do. I have seen the way a decision seemed to be stacked against me. I have also seen a few times where a decision has opened up doors as if by magic. I am in this life and I think that it is a keeper. There is more curiosity, challenge and unknown ahead, and I shall read over this entry again in that future and I will add what I know then. I don't think that anyone is any different from me. We are all going through this unwinable struggle. We are all beautiful, tiny creatures. There is no Santa Claus.

more from before

It is a mind bender to consider that all that is happening is an illusion, even writing this. I saw how I look at the world for right and wrong when nothing actually IS. I used to get caught up with that by asking, but what about those who murder? The answer to that is that people will do things and their are consequences regardless. There are always a million varying choices being made every single day by every one of us. Some produce the lives that we dream about. But no one is exempt from facing challenges. You cannot run from challenges.Life is about living until you die. Why is it that so much of it is spent in such a ball of intensity? I am not doing life'wrong' I am doing life in the vein of my belief systems, expectations, memories and habits. I am as programmed as Photoshop. Lol. As an allegedly highly complex brain, I am made as we have made computers, a product of habit and pattern. I was actually thinking about writing a script about someone who has a death experience and goes through all of the lovely afterlife hase and then after awhile, after they see that they have chosen death and have been dead, they come to a realisation that death is not what they imagined it to be, it is another life and that life is filled with the complexities of dreaming, and it feels like something you can never get out of.no matter how conscious you try to be. In other words, it is a nightmare. I think that I shall explore that concept a bit when I have some time. So I get up this morning. I have had a crazy dream. But I know that it happened because of yesterday and also I am anxious about my next class although I should not be. That was my lesson for the day. Just stop trying to be this person trying to right everything. Just stop,

The centipede was happy quite...

I hope that I can get through this writing without muddling up myself. But something happened yesterday and I learned from it so profoundly that I have to record it. It was a combination of things. My Mother was not in the best of moods. She has always been one of those people, I should say both my parents have been people who never seemed to have problems of issues. The two major things that have happened with them have been solved by them as a couple putting their heads together and supporting the other. I truly admire my parents. So much so that I think that there have been times where I have felt that I could never live up to their exacting standards, but do not belong in a world where less than their standards exist. She was in a mood and she was taking it out on me. Most of the time that is something that I deal with and it doesn't make me feel it too deeply. Yesterday,I did. It had been so long since I had had such a reaction that I had to sit and think about what I was feeling. I had to pass through thoughts of wishing that I could disappear. It was that strong a reaction. Later in the evening, with great trust for myself, I slowly worked through the pain I felt and realised that wanting my parents love, now my mothers approval and love is something that is deeply enmeshed into my very sense of self. She was fretting about her wants versus her needs. As I stated before, this is a woman who never had to worry about money before, ever. Now with my dad's passing, she has to see to a number of policies he left and to his banking and other assets and with covid-19, everything is slow and she's had to go back to places more than twice and it is a mess. She is frustrated, and she will not change her spending habits, not that we are doing badly, it is just that the grief and the change can sometimes be too much, so obviously I sat and thought about all of that, and we are all living together. The house is big enough for us to not have to see each other if we don't want to. We can walk all around the house and feel as though we have travelled somewhere because of the configuration and the expanse of the garden. We are very fortunate indeed. But naturally there will be days when we are not going to have a great moment. My auntie behaved that way just a few days before. I realised that for some reason I internalized all of that as being DONE to me. People just flinging their dirty attitudes my way as though I was the rod to absorb it all. I got very upset very fast with my mother being the last straw. Now I see my part in all of that. I see that I like to solve problems, like to fix bad situations. I feel somehow responsible for making others 'happy' with me. I see that my anxieties, particularly about money may actually also be hinged to my parents and my mother and the expectations I may have mis-diagnozed or anayzed from childhood (remember the stealing Nun and the break ins to our home as a child!) When you have and others do not, you want to help everyone you can. You want to be friends too, and people are skittish with you. They don't know how to take it. Other people who have also behave the same way with you because they are skittish with what they also have. So you grow up in a bubble wondering how to move forward.I instantly focused on my emotions as a child. I felt things so much. I still do. I gave myself the task of bridging gaps, wanting to be useful and likable. That;s not a bad thing in itself. It was just a choice. That choice produces its range of options. If I choose differently, I will have that choices range of options.,,and on and on. No right answer, just an action and reaction.

sunlight can kill covid

My friends visited yesterday. They shall be travelling back to New York where they live in early October. They have been here ever since late January. They usually come every year, so they are basically natives. But this time around, they obviously never expected to have such a long stay. We had a great covid aware time. I discussed my neice yesterday and her situation with dating in these covid-19 times. It certainly is not business as usual. However, it brings up new ways to do things and to do them in a way that everyone is comfortable. I do not think that it slows down everything you do. You just become more aware of yourself and the other person. Every moment is hightened. I like the fact that I do not have to worry about driving, or about what to wear specifically for that day. Although for my classes, I have worn my working clothes from top to bottom, as that level of professionalism is to me, a great incentive to what I do. I am hoping that before the year ends, that I will have at least one or two extra things done in my arsenal of teaching processes. There are things that can be either on U-Tube or modulized in some way to add to how I presently do my work. I have always used PDF's, but now I want to do some sort of animated slideshowing. I like what is happening this month. I am getting somewhere. There is the book, the catalogue and exhibition pieces to do along with teaching. I can make plans! I can make plans!!! O yes!!! I am so happy about that!!!!

My neice is twenty-three and she is going on a date soon. She has had friendships with boys, but she's never actually dated. So she is champing at the bit to finally spend some time with someone she says her stomach dosn't flip over when she talks to him. Now that may sound odd. you want to have your tummy filled with butterflies. In her interpretation, she means chringing feeling. She has waited a very long time for some first experiences. and she felt comfortable enough to talk with me about it, and I am so flattered. I was letting her know that going out with someone at a time like this provides more stress than one would expect. She has to tell him to contact trace before they can meet. When they do meet, the both have to wear masks. They cannot hold hands. If you want to date during covid-19 you really cannot be cavalair about it. I think that it is a way to really seperate the serious from the joker. If they go for a walk, which may be the wisest thing to do, then they cannot really go to a restaurant to sit down, as everywhere is on a curbside system. I'd suggest a sightseeing walk. The next thinh is her mother, my sister. My sister is going to want to meet him, so it is best that she lets her meet him in the sitting room in the lobby. That way he can be comfortable and she can also feel less weird because my sister is going to grill him like a cheese sandwich. Perhaps the date should just happen in the lobby and be marked as the first one. My niece is such a sweety! She has had a remarkable life already, and she is gearing up to make the most of what she has. I love her to death! My daughter loves her too. They are so close. It is absolutely adorable when they get together. They are nine years apart, but that does not seem like a big gap with them. They share music and shows and talk about everything under the sun. As she ventures into new territory. I think that she shall take her time. But even if she doesn't. I know that she will learn a lot from the experience.

New challenges came to me today. I had my first ZOOM class ever. But I was prepared. However there were one or two hiccups that were quickly dealt with. I must say that I miss the personal interaction, but that cannot be helped. There are many advantages that can be explored. I can pre-prepare things and insert them into my classes. I can consider ways to do interactive things with the students. A number of things come to mind. I'd planned on writing more, but from the moment I began to writing now, I am exhausted. So I shall take this up tomorrow.

After slowly working on projects over the last few months, the daily efforts are paying off in tangible things to continue to focus on. Tomorrow I shall be doing my first virtual class and the university is not prepared. However, I have to be ready no matter what. So I am moving along to my plans B, C and D. I shall be writing about the experiences, I am absolutely sure. I am excited about working again. I also have two exhibitions to prepare for and some considerations regarding how to do the Symposia that was supposed to do in March,now carded for March 2021. I am grateful to be able to focus on so much. My ex-husband is at it yes again. I may have written about it already. He now wants me to only visit our daughter at his home, and I cannot overnight. So that would mean seeing her for a few hours at a time with the understanding that I would have to leave in the evenings. He would then want me to pay three times the amount I presently pay. I have started my counter proposal and have to have it ready before the end of the month. As usual, all of these things are not boring, that's for sure. I am involved with a friend of the family on an audacious project that should begin to come together in 2021/2022 and that is also extremely exciting. Also, when I stand in place long enough, a few new projects fall in my lap. I can never say that I am lacking ideas, and that makes me feel so happy. With all that focuses my mind, when I am faced with the challenges I have, I am always appreciative that those things keep my optimistic and above all, confident about what I can actually do.

with all of that happening

I had a lovely surprising reprieve from juliemangoman. He sent me an unexpected note that has kept me smiling. It was just so sweet, and I appreciated it....and I want to keep that feeling in my pocket...as my neice says. So nice, so lovely...just....ahhhhhhh.

cobwebbing

The day after my friend 'broke up' with me, my ex-husband sent me a Lawyers letter. It was not entirely unexpected, but of course I was not considering that I would get it when I did. He of course wants me to have the time I get to see our daughter reduced considerably from the very generous (to him) every fortnight for two days...to my going to his home (no overnighting was specifically mentioned...as though I would want to even consider that!) and he wnts me to pay three times what I do now. After the break up, this other thing was just a pile on. However, I did what I have become very pleased with doing for myself. I sat with the emotins and I let it filter through me. I was not afraid. I was not upset or angry. I thought about our wonderful daughter and I was also even able to recall really good times with him in our past. In fact for the last few weeks he has been coming to mind a great deal. I even found myself speaking about him quite a bit and even defending much of his behavior to others to set the record straight about him...so that's why I write that I knew something might be up. But still...I was not fully expecting such a letter. I have to the end of the month to respond, and respond I definitely shall. This year I find that my writing these last few weeks have really gone deeply into territory that I usually protect within myself. I feel vulnerable. But, I like the feeling. It helps clear up the things that I feel I cannot touch, and are so cobwebbed, so much a pattern of my character, where I think that if I don't touch these feelings, I could just procrastinate and they may disappear. I do write about difficult things, but, even so, therre are things that I am just shy of admitting fully. I am getting there with these last few entries because I just want to get them out of my system, my mind...onto a black piece of paper and really syep away from the preceived conflict. I feel so good doing this.

Break up

My friend whom I have discussed here a while back called me on Monday and basically broke up with me. It was the wierdest thing! Two days before the incident, she called me about five times to help her with her usual project. There was nothing ontoward in the exchange. Then I had my daughter for the week-end and did not hear from her as I usually would. I sent her a text letting her know that I was taking my weekend for myelf and my daughter , but did not get a response from her. On Monday I decided to send her some images for her project. I did not get a reply from her. Instead I got a call that began with a statement question. Of late she has been doing that to me. She asks me a question but it is really a statement. I brought that to her attention right away and decided then and there that I was not going down this road with her again. I saw all of the signs and I beat her at the pass. I spoke up and made it very clear to her that this was not about me...a trigger statement that I know she hates, but I had to state it, becuase it was indeed what was going on. I then stated that I would withdraw in every way, if he felt in some way put upon by me. I think that she was not expecting that, and tried to rally by telling me that perhaps we need a break. I found that absolutely laughable, particulalry when she is the one calling me almost all of the time. She even tells me this when she calls. After the last big blow up that we had, I have noticed two things about our relationship. The first was that after trying to get her to agree to discuss what had happened and how to be better communicators. she did not want to have the conversation...and secondly, when she would call me about her project and I would give the advice that she saught, she would say disparaging things about herslef that I always had to call out as absurd. She would say things like, well I am not as bright as you...or, well, I only went to high school! These things were horrible! They aso told me that she was still carrying a grudge from the blow up. This time, I am tired. I told her that the proverbial ball is absolutely in her court. If she ever wants to talk to me again, fine. If she doesnt, fine as well. I cannot seem to please her and I have no intention of trying. She has made being friends very unpallitable to me. I have been feeling as though friendship with her is a job, and one where I have to wait forever on my payment and I work damn long hours. Lol. This has been something else. I do not know what to make of it really! I can only assume that the distancing, social distancing is for my best mental health.

Don't be frightened

My day was going really well. Then I decided to check my email, only to be faced with a Lawyers letter from my ex-husband. He is at it again. He is trying to extort money out of me while giving me even less time with our daughter. Now he wants me to be the one to visit when he feels like allowing me to. He also stipluates that I am not allowed to stay overnight. I can however speak with her on the phone when he allows it. Control freak anyone? In the past, I would be so emotiona about the letter. I would be frightened and devastated. Now, because he has pulled this over and over again,I warned my child that this was what he was going to do next. What can I learn here? What am I to do? I know what I am not going to do? I am not going to sip from his cup of poison, that's for sure. In four years our daughter shall be an adult. This situation shall not last forever,it only feels that way, and boy does it ever. Yet, by writing about this, there is my side, another side, and that side is not a weak side as I have always believed. He has played this hand one too many times. I would love to delete this post. But I am not going to do so because I shall prevail.

Hikikomori

Over the last few weeks I have been working steadily. I have stopped worrying about outcome or income. Having a sense of discipline feels so good. I know that it is all about controlling some part of my life. Nine months on from the first knowledge of Covid-19, there is a constant push and pull of views about getting back to work and locking back down. Here at home, we now have the dreaded community spread, and no one is going back to school until 2021. The Pandemic has obviously changed every single thing we human beings do, thank and are. We talk about 'the new normal.' The new normal is everything but. We want to live, but we have a contagion. How do we live that way? To go out is to risk getting the disease, and the information we all have about contact tracing makes every movement a weighted, challenge on many fronts. The only thing to do is to live in a way that I actually read about three to four years ago and was so intruigued by that I discussed it many times with people. Now it seems that those Japanese people knew something. They are called Hikikomori. We are all now living such a life.