and finally

The scariest thing about all that I am writing is the conclusion I have come to that I make everything happen. I make it by what I do and what I do not do. Sure I can dig into my history and all that. But what about how my mind works? Is it that I cause every single emotion to come out of me the way that it does? I set up every situation to achieve some bigger outcome so that I can have something to worry my mind about. As though I am distracting myself so I miss the bigger picture? The bigger picture being that slow road to inevitable death? WHy am I not filling my thoughts with roses and cash? Why?Lol? But seriously! I remember a friend of my ex-husband saying to him, don't make any sudden hand gestures...referring to a conference that he had to go to. The person was speaking about race and stereotyping at the time. Should I not make any sudden gestures that draw attention to my bigger, better, more hope filled self? Is it that I dont feel confident to be in my world? I have been given this body and live in this part of the world, and I have been given every advantage that I could have been given. So what is my issue? Is it that I am dissatisfied with what I have made? Have I really made anything of note? I could go on all day. I see that I have made the best decisions for my circumstances at every step. I have seen the countless times that a decision seemed like that hardest, toughest thing in the world to do. I have seen the way a decision seemed to be stacked against me. I have also seen a few times where a decision has opened up doors as if by magic. I am in this life and I think that it is a keeper. There is more curiosity, challenge and unknown ahead, and I shall read over this entry again in that future and I will add what I know then. I don't think that anyone is any different from me. We are all going through this unwinable struggle. We are all beautiful, tiny creatures. There is no Santa Claus.