The centipede was happy quite...

I hope that I can get through this writing without muddling up myself. But something happened yesterday and I learned from it so profoundly that I have to record it. It was a combination of things. My Mother was not in the best of moods. She has always been one of those people, I should say both my parents have been people who never seemed to have problems of issues. The two major things that have happened with them have been solved by them as a couple putting their heads together and supporting the other. I truly admire my parents. So much so that I think that there have been times where I have felt that I could never live up to their exacting standards, but do not belong in a world where less than their standards exist. She was in a mood and she was taking it out on me. Most of the time that is something that I deal with and it doesn't make me feel it too deeply. Yesterday,I did. It had been so long since I had had such a reaction that I had to sit and think about what I was feeling. I had to pass through thoughts of wishing that I could disappear. It was that strong a reaction. Later in the evening, with great trust for myself, I slowly worked through the pain I felt and realised that wanting my parents love, now my mothers approval and love is something that is deeply enmeshed into my very sense of self. She was fretting about her wants versus her needs. As I stated before, this is a woman who never had to worry about money before, ever. Now with my dad's passing, she has to see to a number of policies he left and to his banking and other assets and with covid-19, everything is slow and she's had to go back to places more than twice and it is a mess. She is frustrated, and she will not change her spending habits, not that we are doing badly, it is just that the grief and the change can sometimes be too much, so obviously I sat and thought about all of that, and we are all living together. The house is big enough for us to not have to see each other if we don't want to. We can walk all around the house and feel as though we have travelled somewhere because of the configuration and the expanse of the garden. We are very fortunate indeed. But naturally there will be days when we are not going to have a great moment. My auntie behaved that way just a few days before. I realised that for some reason I internalized all of that as being DONE to me. People just flinging their dirty attitudes my way as though I was the rod to absorb it all. I got very upset very fast with my mother being the last straw. Now I see my part in all of that. I see that I like to solve problems, like to fix bad situations. I feel somehow responsible for making others 'happy' with me. I see that my anxieties, particularly about money may actually also be hinged to my parents and my mother and the expectations I may have mis-diagnozed or anayzed from childhood (remember the stealing Nun and the break ins to our home as a child!) When you have and others do not, you want to help everyone you can. You want to be friends too, and people are skittish with you. They don't know how to take it. Other people who have also behave the same way with you because they are skittish with what they also have. So you grow up in a bubble wondering how to move forward.I instantly focused on my emotions as a child. I felt things so much. I still do. I gave myself the task of bridging gaps, wanting to be useful and likable. That;s not a bad thing in itself. It was just a choice. That choice produces its range of options. If I choose differently, I will have that choices range of options.,,and on and on. No right answer, just an action and reaction.