it comes in two's and three's

So here I go with my analysis...the death of my dad has placed us in a stark position of sorts. Things that my mother used to do without any consideration before, she now has to take stock. I am aware of the fact that I do a great deal of aesoteric stuff that sometimes cannot pay for anything substantial after my own concerns, and I feel nothing but dread about it all. feeling that way is a waste of time. The answer to me is simply to apply myself to things that will bring in the financial supports. I am presently working on two such things. Yet, I defaulted on a payment for the month and another payment specific to me, I had to curtail. When things like this happens, and I am juggling things, I always feel like a failure. I know that I am not alone in mystruggles. But still....they are my issues and I even feel embarressed to write them here. I find that I should not have these issues a t all. On paper I read very, very well. I have found in the last few weeks, so much support for what I do. However, when one cannot pay a bill via platitiudes, I wonder what is all the adulation amounting to? There is a famous man in my country whom I have always seen as exceptional. he is self made. A force of nature. I used to ask mysekf the question of whether one had to have a gimmick in their career to succeed? Now I understand that if history books shall give me a little footnote, I have lived enough to be a character within its pages. So much has happened to make me colourful, so that concern I had is moot. His drama did indeed help propel his value into the stratusphere. I now ask myself. what do I need to be doing to follow along the same path? Guarantees are a thing that I have always looked towards. I need stability. Last night I felt off balanced by my emotions. I can write forever, and be comforted by it all. But again, until there is the opportunity to really set myself aright, I shall continue to be plagued with concerns like I had.