Limping from one thing to another, doing a balancing act with sharp objects wearing a clown suit and shoes is how I was feeling. As always, concerns such as mine are hedged in a sameness that has taken hold of me post divorce. But I don't want to observe that right now. I want to focus on something that I find helps bring me to that place, mainly disappointment. When I am in that world. I am usually thinking that everything is a failure. It may begin from without, but before long I am including my very person into the whole pot. What then becomes a stark contrast for me is thoughts of why can't I have at least one area in my life that is working well? I actually agonize about that. I seem to feel that somehow everyone else has their shit together and I am ...the clown balancing on a rope for laughs. This is all about childhood and coping with whatever made me sad back then. it reaks of the bullying faced at school and the sense of being different. Seeing that now, I can bring the necessary strength to put my arms around myself and know that it does not reflect who I am in the least. It is not getting something I need to feel that things are in order...ala....the bill I had to default on...even the word...de...fault....MY FAULT! I am saying that money will make everything better. I equate happiness and success with it. Money will bring comfort, security and love....lack of it is somehow the absence of all of the above? not absolutely...yet, it becomes that so easily. A bright light is also cast on those words...something must be going right....somewhere I must find pleasure amidst all of this artificial. superficial pain? Is it surface pain? Or is it that it is brought to the fore from within? Indeed. So there is the other layer.There it is....a sense of unworthiness because I haven't managed to achieve some sort of standard that everyone else has. I don't have all of the symbols in place that stamps me as successful, I think to myself. What are these things? Ability to make everyone happy with me because i can provide and satisfy. I can think of all of my concerns that cause me so much challenge and know that they shall be handled in good time because I have the resources to do so. I can use money to stabalize what is happening around me. It can be my shield while I wait for the other things that I want to have happen, actually happen. It would certainly make things easier. This war with myself is a HELL of a thing.