some thoughts on decisions

The issue that happened last week with my daughter has led me to consider something that I am about to discuss. You make decisions in life every moment of the day. Some are so unconsequential to you that they are quickly forgotten once you act. Others are life changing. I realised last week that the continued issues that I have with my ex-husband is a product of our decisions, all small, medium and large ones made over the shawl of time. Naturally I still react to the responses of the past. What I gather now is the reaction NOW to my future. Our daughter is getting older, and neither she nor I shall be tetherred to her father in any way. The only relationship is one of discomfort that passes as quickly as it begins. I do not have to live in misery. What I want to do from now on is write about my plans for myself and for her from now on.

some navel gazing

...is it possible that those strong hunches you get are the moments where your life can converge and fracture into a multiverse of possibilities?... ...we invented the present from the past...so we have already lived our future. Isn't it strange the way Hollywood keeps portraying that future and how we are fitting right into it right now?... ...no matter how much we believe it, we have no different feelings from those who have been alive a thousand years ago... ...knowing yourself is a constant thing... ...you never know anyone really.... ...you live to aquire only to leave all of it to others... ...you spend time but make money... ...our emotions define us all the time... ...listening to your inner voice was once thought of as insanity and maybe it is still true... ...why is a woman's body still policed by men?... ...we are told to love our neighbour...yet we are so focused on their sexuality? Why.... ...we believe that everyone else is doing better than us, yet we don't want to help those doing worse... ...we help those doing worse, but not enough for them to do better than us... ...we trade with people who keep us poor and buy things that make us sick... ...the world is being destroyed but we are still making more than we will ever need... ...more choices.less joy... ...more free time,less sense of freedom... ...we love with conditions.... ...we teach virtues and practice dishonesty... ...money isn't everything until you don't have any... ...life is black and white until you walk into the grays... ...even the spiritual are petty.... ...thinking for yourself IS NOT common... ...true love is not a gender or an agenda... ...friendship is not about entertainment... ...moderation is greatly misunderstood... ...you should be kept from what you want every so often... ...observe more and speak only from certainty if you speak at all... ...you are not obligated to like your family members... ...people can say no and so can you... ...what you think now can change now... ...gifted does not mean weakthy...

Drama

My ex husband was able to trigger me a few days ago when he got our daughter to call me about renewing her passport. His lawyer had already written and alerted me to his plan, and I decided that I would reply by asking for a return to the amount of time I get with her and her schooling. We went to court a few years ago and the judge had agreed that his case that she was closer to his home than to mine for school, gave him the greater access to her. We renewed her passport together in the past, so this time, to have his lawyer write me was absolutely over the top and unnecessary. Anyway, I wrote what I did and then she replied in the nastiest way. She was an absolute bully! So our dauhter called me to let me know about the letter sent to me and he was in the background saying that I was being difficult, and that led me to say that his lawyer was a bully. In the middle of all of this, I suddenly realised that I had unwittingly put her between us. I was mortified! It was as though I was watching the entire situation in slow motion. I could do nothing about it. The words had come out and the noise on her side of the phone was just noise. It didn't matter that I was (to me) explaining a situation. All that she was hearing was her father and I making her uncomfortable and being loud and obnoxious and she was in the middle feeling torn in half. I feel so badly about that. Naturally she got very upset with me and I had to give her some space. She took three days before we spoke again. It was terrible. You never want to look at yourself as an asshole or the person causing problems. I was really in a pickle about the whole thing. When she called me she let me know that she was still upset with me, and she let me know it. She also insisted that we not discuss it again. She was really placing her bounderies down, and I had to respect that. Amidst everything, our daughter has so much to teach me. I had to literally check my ego and also my tendency to want to fix things. I have had to do the tale between my legs situation and know that I will get the opportunity if I am lucky, to slowly but surely learn from what happened and to do better.

One other grateful thing

My sister asked me about juliemangoman last week, and after not an inkling of him, he showed up in my dm's as the saying goes. When that happened. I remembered what I did that day at the Dentists office when I could have turned left and walked to The Tower's million dollar apartment or go home. I chose to ignore his presence. I chose myself. It has been weird to be single right now. Post divorce I have not put myself out there in the world of the single lady. I know that at my age I am going to meet divorced men. men with children or men with elderly parents they support or whatever, no one is eighteen anymore. I take a look at what I have encountered and I see where I am responsible for the way that I put myself out into the world as well. I think that in some ways I felt that I should try again. I wanted to move on with the knowledge that someone new coming into my life would be good for me. I have been very fortunate that I never have set it as a priority,yet, having had one or two interests has given me an opinion about it. I may not have really been ready to be with someone. I would say that juliemangoman did surprise me, and I was giving thought to tacking back to my ex whern he showed up in my life. I lamented all of the experiences post divorce as well. I felt that my time was absolutely wasted and I was very, very loathe to give anything a try ever again! The very notion of someone wanting to have a fling and bressing themselves up as serious when they only plan to let you down was too much to take. So when I saw juliemangoman in my dm. it was very easy for me to say to myself. hey, you disappeared in mid sentance with me months ago. I cannot say anything about your actions except that you enjoy ghosting me. I can't ay who you are with anyone else. I just know how I have been treated and I deserve better than what you have sent my way. So, no. I am not going to do what I did the last two times, which was, write you a hello and then you take a few days or weeks to reply and then you start replying and calling me and video messaging me and then I look forward to your quirky replies and BAM, nothing. I took it as a personal rejection. Like all victims I blamed myself. Not any more. THe whole thing helps me to see what I do not want! I really fell for him in many ways. I will not lie. What was good was amazing, and I was definitely confused that someone who could make me feel so good could also make me feel so bad. In the end, I chose me, and I am feeling good.

so much more

Every time I have come to my blog over the last few weeks I have found that I stare at the blank page and think about what I want to write, and then, I write nothing. However, I go away with so much to focus on. I am feeling very confident and happy of late. I have peared down my list of daily concerns and chosen instead to focus on the things that I can accomplish. That small act has been a comfort. In this still very active covid-19 period that is still very much with us, I have found delight in the small things. For example...my birthday was last week and my mother made me an Amaretto flavoured cheesecake. That has been a little slice of high calorie heaven. I acompished one or two niggling tasks that I have been putting off for whatever reason, and that has been a great feeling to check off of my list. The sound of the birds around the house are always an inspiration to the beautiful place that I am lucky to call home. Writing right now is another little joy. I am finding more and more that the good things that I focus on pay off in great dividends and I am grateful for that. Particularly as yesterday my ex-husband was at it again with his Lawyer, sending me a threatening letter about a simple thing like a renewal of a passport for our daughter. When those sorts of things crop up, it is very disruptive because he makes something simple into a terrible scene. But yesterday I had an out of body experience because when I did speak with my daughter I came to a realisation about exchanges with him. I saw that even though I open my own mouth and believe that I am being reasonable in the way that I express what I am encountering with him, my poor child is only experiencing it as noise. So despite my best intention, I am also part of the problem. I have the opportunity to be the bigger person, yes, and the opportunity to be the biggest person by playing the long game. and it is a game, no doubt. I have done it in the past, but now it was cemented for me. It is best summed up in a Buddhist saying that I read decades ago, which goes roughly....make yourself like water between the rocks... as I write that, I feel the sense of it. Yesterday produced so much pollution. In my desire to make things better, I also became the problem. I am so aware of it now, and I so want to fix it. But I have to give my child a little space to come back to me and trust my behavior. I felt a bit dispondent as well because of course I got into a little spiral of feeling sorry for my choices. What have I created with this whole messy issue that keeps coming up! But after I put that out there, my mind caught it and I was able to see past the block and know that it does not mean that I am stuck with that position as the only way to see. There is so much more to be happy about. I am not IN a relationship with him anymore. I am not in a situation where I stayed and put her through that scene on a daily basis as her experience with her parents. She and I communicate honestly and consistently, and despite yesterday, we will get the opportunity to talk with each other and I will listen to her needs and do better as her mum. I used to fall apart. I used to feel so grieved and disparing. I USED To. I don't feel that way any more, and that is the miracle of the situation.