time

Being on a steady diet of optimism has always felt challenging. The mind slips back effortlessly into doubt. However, when you use a muscle over and over again, it becomes stronger and more resiliant. One must just keep the faith and the constancy. Today I was doing what I love at about a quarter to twelve. I thought about the freedom to do what I am doing. I am not beholden to the 'work' clock of my other profession at this time. My time now is more flexible and although much longer, it is also done on my own terms, and it prickled my skin for a nanosecond. I marvelled at it. It is not to say that I am doing anything new. I am just actually calling out and noticing anew things that I took for granted and that is remarkable in its simplicity to me.

much more

When I visited my friend a few days ago, one of the things that I mentioned was the fact that I have always read about the lives of creative people I have admired. I never really gave any thought to the fact that people in the future may read about my life. I know that my daughter shall definitely be doing it, as I have diaries of my life from the age of eleven to the present. That realisation made me think more about the reality of living inside the creation that is me. If you are not careful you will miss your life, you will miss the wonder and the heartbreak and the value that it brings.But moreso, settling into my friends creative space really impacted me because I feel the energy of her space. I do not view my space in the same way. I think it is because it is not set up. However,I want to focus my thoughts on how I view the rest of my life. Of course there is some flexibility. But I do believe that it is essential for me now to have more structure in the space in which I find myself working. This means inventorying my cache of materials which to me is daunting. I always say that I need to hire two students to sort out all the things that I have. I have been alright with just starting the projects that I have to do. But right now it has already begun because I have stuff stacked up in a few corners. So as I am writing this, I think that here I go again, I am writing about something that I am presently in the middle of and not acknowledging it as what it is. OMG! This means that I have an image in my head of " what I want" and I don't think that I am "in" what I want. Perhaps I think what I want has a particular look and if I don't feel that I am in that look, then I don't have the look. This is silly. I am now seeing it.

visit day

I decided to visit a friend today and it was a really wonderful experience. She cooked for me, and for the first time I truly enjoyed a complete vegan meal. We have discussed before collecting her recipes, but now I am going to insist that she and I work on that. She also mentioned a project that she wants us to do, and I love the idea. I cannot commit to it right now, but it shall definitely be on my list of things that must happen. We have so many things in common, but the things that we do not, we are discovering that we can learn from the others experience. She was telling me that her sister and herself nearly came to a physical fight. There mom has dementia and she has been taking the bulk of the care of her, so now that she has secured a residency for two months her sister is extremely angry about it. So I was telling her that perhaps her sister is used to feeling some element of control in her life and to see a major parent ill and unable to see her get better is very hard.I know because I just dealt with my own experience. Speaking with her and going over a number of issues that we shared, I heard myself saying certain things aloud that I believe in, but also I saw where I am now in regard to some of the things that I have gone through. She mentioned her latest relationship and how she had to end it, and got me to say that in my understanding men do not seek out women they do not consider, no matter how fleeting. However, women will compromise, will consider whether they are attractive enough, or just enough.It is not fair at all, but some perceptions do seem to be weighted toward male or female relationships.But ultimately,it was easy to see where there are opinions based on expectations and societal views, cultural views, family etc, and how you can shift your perspective where it meeds to be ie: what is genuinely best for you. Thus, the statement about her sister and about the necessity to do the work she has to do despite the circumstances she is facing. Her studio is in walking distance of her home, so she is not neglecting her parent in any way, she is simply asking her sister for her part of the responsibility to be shared for a few more weeks. Truthfully I would like my friend to be able to extend her work as she is doing such wonderful stuff and she is coming into her stride. Not having the opportunity to speak on certain topics and then listening to myself, I was taking my own emotional temperature. I could also see how far I have come with many things and the things that I still have to work on, like my grief over deaths that have happened, specifically my dad.Mentioning that I felt was huge to say aloud.It was just good to be candid and that was a breath of fresh air.

The year has met me working on commissions and a solo show. I could not ask for anything more. I am loving what is going on. Having this happen has automatically given me the structure I have been wanting. It is not that I have not had it, it is just that without clear results for things, I have been working on everything I want to make, yet feeling untethered because they have not provided income. So when things began to shift last year, it was such a relief for me.

head space

There is a lot to be said for letting go and trusting in the process of living ones life. Of course things feel miles better when money stress is not at the forefront of my thoughts. One of the things that I have encountered is anchoring myself in the present and I hope to pass that on to my darling child. Yesterday I got a Whats App message showing me that she made her own breakfast. It was such a lovely message. One of the things that I have encouraged her to do is to find a space in her room that is just her go to spot. I bought her a gorgeous hanging crystal for Christmas, and wherever she puts it, it should occassionally bathe her in a rainbow of light. Many years ago I was in Scotland on a double decker bus and I spied a large reflection of crystals from the door of a store and loved it. Also in Scotland, I found a bootleg M&M candle that was chocolate scented that I loved. For me there are small things that make me feel comfortable, not a bunch of brick-a-brack however. This year I was looking for something and I sae how many pens. pencils and stuff that I just have laying around. I really want to go through everything and put things into catagories of keep, throw away, give away etc. I got really frustrated that I have so many things and they are just piling up in boxes. It said to me that I have so much and I should not complain about what I think I do not have. I got irritated with myself! So I decided to look at it squarely. Knowing what I have matters. I want to use what I have constructively.

Learning from hopelessness

Last year a project saved my finances. Then it began to get weird. Things that were straightforward started to go wrong, and this year it continues to do so. Part of the issue is this very computer. I need to get a new one, but the tech is unstable. The truth is, I needed to make a hard call this year when the problems began to happen again, and depending upon what the client tells me this afternoon, I will have to deploy my hunch. This to me is the ultimate professional nightmare, getting paid for something and then having that thing work in a way that the cost of all the hard work cannot justify the hours and hours of extended work. What to do? At first the feeling is one of shock and upset. It is then closely followed by doubt and feelings of fraud. This is not supposed to happen. It is a terrible sinking feeling. Now, oddly, after having every negative emotion seep into the problem, comes a moment when you just have to strap on your boots and see what you can do with what has been given to you. I am there today. Having some light come out of hopelessness is damn worth it.

great reading and doing

Goals help us to see a bigger picture, to achieve or maintain balance, to be focused, or to be happier or more successful. We hear and read about goals all the time, but how often are we taught to create our visions and goals in a way that achieves balance in EVERY area of our lives, not just a select few? I have spent a large bulk of my time the last few months learning, training, questioning, and searching within myself to make sure that I am doing what I want with my life and heading in a direction I am truly happy with in each area of my life. I think this is mostly due to my pregnancy- a true incubation period. But as the baby prepares to emerge, new ideas, projects, and goals are surfacing as well. I stumbled upon the goals techniques taught by Jon Butcher. Jon’s company Precious Moments has done $10 billion over the last 30 years with it’s best year at $600 million. He used to have this big notebook with 12 categories in it. Within each category, he had photos, images, ideas, etc. as his personal vision board. His technique was so powerful for himself, that he launched a project called Lifebook that allows all of us to establish our own life vision through these same 12 categories. This is a very powerful technique because it helps us create a vision while in balance in each important areas of our lives. Let’s briefly explore these 12 categories in which to map out our life goals and a couple of prompts to help get your brain juices flowing and help you pinpoint or visualize the balance you want to achieve. 1. Health and fitness– What do you want to weigh? How do you want to feel? When do you want to complete your first marathon? 2. Intellectual life– What or how many books would you like to read this year? What seminars would you like to attend? What skills would you like to attain? What classes would you like to take? 3. Emotional life– Where would you like your energy and happiness levels to be? How would you like to feel throughout your day (including the afternoon time when a lot of us normally feel a “slump”)? 4. Character– What do you want to stand for? What values do you want have? What level of integrity would you like to operate at? 5. Spiritual life– What personal spiritual practices would you like to maintain or begin? How often do you want to pray or meditate? How often do you want to visit church, a meeting, a service, etc.? 6. Love relationships– Who do you want to be with? What kind of partner do you want to be? What type of life do you want to live with your partner? Where do you want to vacation? Where do you want to live? 7. Parenting vision– How do you want to parent your children? What values do you want to instill in them? How much time do you want to spend with your children each day/week? 8. Social life– What types of friendships would you like to establish? What kind of friend would you like to be? What types of activities would you like to experience or enjoy in your social life? 9. Financial life– How much money would you like to make or save? How would you like to see money flow to you? 10. Career- What positions would you like to fill? What skills would you like to elarn or attain? What types of projects would you enjoy working on? Where would you like to work or be employed? 11. Quality of life- Where would you like to live? What would you like your home or car to look like? Where would you like to travel? How does your daily life look? 12. Life vision- What do you see as your grand contribution to yourself, your community, or your planet?

Twenty-two thoughts

I have written many times that the feelings of hope that come with a new year should be bottled.No matter what, a clean slate, starting over from wherever you are is a good feeling. I am making twenty-two comments to start the ball rolling-: 1. Be grateful 2. Be joyous wherever you are, for at least a few minutes 3. Breathe more deeply 4. Listen to the sound of nothing 5. Think about something that makes you smile 6. Smile for no reason 7. Recall a lovely smell and where the memory came from 8. Send yourself a love note written in your handwriting and put it in a pocket and forget about it. Add money to it. Do this with your partner's clothing as well 9. Stand in the reflection of a crystal sending out its light 10. Drink a fragrant tea 11. Massage your body with a scented oil or lotion right after a bath 12. Wear knitted socks in bed 13. Make your bed a haven for calm. Scented candle, knitted socks, soft music, a good book. 14. Have a vase for flowers around you. 15. Sink your toes into a fluffy rug at the foot of your bed 16. Wear something that chimes 17. Get a bathrobe or pajamas 18. Put a favorite picture into a frame and keep it near to your bed 19. Take a nap in the day 20. Fall asleep in a hammock 21. Buy some fairy lights 22. Do something on this list every day.