world expectations

Where do we all come off thinking that we are somehow owed a perfect world? That was the thought that I had after confessing about my friend, because at the bottom of the surface belief, I just considered that I expect perfection frommyself and from and of others.When you have that vibe going for yourself that plays like a background soundtrack...I did this so I expect that they will then reply by doing that....and when they don't. I am disappointed and proceed to talk shit about them to someone else who I believe would do A when I say B. What a trip.

and just like that...

There are days when I feel as though there is smoke at my fingertips. I have so much to write that it may be better to do so in point form. But the jist is that a friend of mine came home from Georgia two days ago. He made his usual beeline to our house and ended up staying over until after one in the afternoon. The weather today and yesterday has been rainy on and off and at three in the morning we could not have him leave to take a taxi to his home about twenty minutes away. I have not had a night like that in a long time. I have known him for possibly thirty-three years! WAW! The things we talk about just goes on and on.But one of the things that we faced was something that I stepped away from many years ago, and returning to it felt so wierd. I used to think that there was something romantic and actually ego stroking about a male friend telling me how comfortable, right, happy and intellectually stimulating he found me. Ok. That's all good. Thank you. I appreciate it, I think your cool too. But now that I get these comments from my married male friends, that troubles me a bit. Thanks for the complement, but what the fuck is wrong with your own relationship? I can't reconcile it somehow. I am the secret friend they want to have all of this emotional sucker from, and it feels great and its all well and good, but when I do the math, this is the fifth man I know who has moved true to form saying all of those things to me that I can do nothing with! Your wife can't stand me. You are talking about me and comparing her to me to her face! How dare you! How dare you put me into your equation without my knowledge for so damn long. THis justdoes not sit well. I can't put my finger on exactly why? But I am going to try to understand. It all feels so sad and wanting and as I stated, what can I really say? I love my male friends, but perhaps it is true, men and women cannot be friends? I have gone all the way with this spectrum, from never breaking the fourth wall, to deciding to give the relationship a romantic moment and none of it works. You just end up feeling bereft. Someone has to walk away to save the friendship. It all just sucks.

gossip, gossip

So I write in threes a lot. So more on the topic I was presenting...my friend has known me a damn long time....when I think about it it may be for something like...thirty years! Waw! OMG! Not all of it as friends per say, several as getting to know how we would navigate friendship. There was a space between us because it began as a recommendation for me to do some work for she and her husband when I was still in college. They were one of my first jobs. Then it turned into much more, as my ex husband also met them and then the friendship built from there. She was always half listening to your conversation, champing at the bit to contradict you. At one point I was afraid to say anything at all to her as I realised that she came to conclusions whether I spoke or not. Back then she concluded certain things about me and who was I to contradict her. Then when I was seperating from my husband she took his side for a very long time. I just walked away from the friendship. It was painful, but somehow I didn't hold a grudge too deeply. Years later when she was able to confide to me what was happening in her own relationship, she apologised profusely about back then. I appreciated it. But I also understood very well that someone cannot be kind or empathetic when they are blind to certain experiences. It is akin to all of the planet talking into celebrity scandal. We don't know the person and there we go talking about them as though we are invested and know them personally. So I got it. Some of that behaviour is still in effect. I have had to 'school' her sometimes for some of the things that she blurts out about me like she knows them for a fact. She also contradicts me in ways that leave me gasping for air. How can you make such blanket statements when you are doing twelve steps and all the other uber jargon laced practices of California coaches and Doctors of emotional intelligence? How? But I recoil and remind myself that I equally can be judgy and that our friendship will make all of these sticky moments pass. But, boy, while your waiting for the weather to change, it is a damn bumpy ride. Imagine telling me that I heard wrong. Or that it 'didn't happen that way, couldn't happen that way. Are you sure that that was how it went? WHAT!!!!! Am I sure!!!! I am talking about genuine trauma and you are asking me about my recall?!? WTF!!!!So I shouldn't have to justify or explain, but then it gets under my skin so bad that lashing out is the go to reflex. Listen here bitch!What a balm in my mind that makes. Listen here bitch! But instead I calmly interrupt with, do listen to what I am saying. let me go over this slowly and you can interject but hear me out... Well my friend told me yesterday about a friend she has who behaves the same way and that she finds the person rude and boring. Lol. Our conversation was so long that I did not have time to go into the fact that she was experiencing herself...and perhaps our conversation may even be...god forbid...me experiencing myself also? comme c’est horrible!!!!!

reading

Listening to the incremental yet huge steps my friend is making in her situation, we chatted about that friend of mine whom I had to walk away from after more than a decade of good friendship. Talking about it again, I found myself being more open to discussing what I perceived I may have done to cause her upset. However, I also saw that simple communication and desire to work on the relationship was in order if either of us really wanted it to be fixed. My friend is a supplier of fixes and suggestions of ways to say things better (after the fact) and it is sweet. I know I definately sound condescending with that statement, and I do have much to write about that as well...but the whole conversation My friend has to find some control somewhere and it manifests as it does, and she has always been like that anyway. It is so funny, you work and work on yourself, but really, you are only coming into the acknowledgement of yourself. You go miles and miles to arrive at the same place to actually see yourself. All of the self help (and I have always done it too, ever since I was conscious of needing to at around sixteen or seventeen) you should work on yourself. But i now find that all of that is ultimately for your own sense of self. It doesn't guarantee any better relationships. My friend talks about ways to frame questions. But I did that with that friend. You learn to manouvre the eggshells. Is that really a friendship? You have to express yourself and you have to be vulnerable and sometimes you also have to walk away and acknowledge that it no longer serves either of you. You have to be ok with the mess and ok with chaos and life. You just have to be ok.

A friend of mine is being faced with the challenge of her life. She has been married for thirty-two years and her stable, brilliant, handsome husband has gone off the deep end over the last seven years by stepping out on her to a life of drugs and sex addiction. She told me that after such a long time of him disappearing for days and gaslighting her and scaring her with their finances being all askew, she told him that perhaps he should decide if he wants to be single. Listening to what she is going through over this long time has been gut wrenching to hear, knowing both of them. What can you say and do to support them in whatever way I can? I do so anyway. Of course I speak way more to her than to him. He is on the surface in complete denial and shows no signs that I can imagine that he has this other life. These people were beautiful to observe and they still can appear that way. Yet, my friend has spent seven long years with three not saying anything to anyone and dealing with it on her own. Now she has gone to the opposite end of the situation where she has signed up for every self improvement class, couples retreat and psychological support she can find. I hear her slowly but surely coming out of the dungeon that is an emotional, psychic trauma. Amidst all of that, the silver lining is that we have promised each other that we shall do some sort of road trip together. We plan to research seperately places and experiences we want to have and hen we shall meet up and plot the whole thing together and just do it. I am looking forward to that.

all you know is that you know nothing

This weekend I had the start of what I am hoping shall be a series of personal talks on the state of one of my professions, with people who want to do something new.Unlike the past, I am not looking for partnership and to start anything with anyone. Instead this is about my existing sites that I write on and about other things that may work out in the future. We live is such interesting times as the Chinese curse goes. Metaverse, Bitcoin, NFT's...Delta, Omicron, mask, unmask, booster...The Queen has Covid! What a world. When nothing is certain, anything is possible has never meant more. There is an opportunity for more equity. There is a sense of clarity amidst all of the uncertainty.There is something about having experienced all of the excess and intensity of constant gratification. The pendulum is always swinging from left to right and up and down, and it is so funny, every generation feels some sort of control about it. When the rules suddenly change it is a funny feeling. You get no prompt. Getting older doesn't help. or the fact that curve balls also are placed where you least expect it. It is a miracle that anything gets done at all. Somehow, somewhere the answer is always confidence. You have to put everything behind believing in yourself.