and just like that...

There are days when I feel as though there is smoke at my fingertips. I have so much to write that it may be better to do so in point form. But the jist is that a friend of mine came home from Georgia two days ago. He made his usual beeline to our house and ended up staying over until after one in the afternoon. The weather today and yesterday has been rainy on and off and at three in the morning we could not have him leave to take a taxi to his home about twenty minutes away. I have not had a night like that in a long time. I have known him for possibly thirty-three years! WAW! The things we talk about just goes on and on.But one of the things that we faced was something that I stepped away from many years ago, and returning to it felt so wierd. I used to think that there was something romantic and actually ego stroking about a male friend telling me how comfortable, right, happy and intellectually stimulating he found me. Ok. That's all good. Thank you. I appreciate it, I think your cool too. But now that I get these comments from my married male friends, that troubles me a bit. Thanks for the complement, but what the fuck is wrong with your own relationship? I can't reconcile it somehow. I am the secret friend they want to have all of this emotional sucker from, and it feels great and its all well and good, but when I do the math, this is the fifth man I know who has moved true to form saying all of those things to me that I can do nothing with! Your wife can't stand me. You are talking about me and comparing her to me to her face! How dare you! How dare you put me into your equation without my knowledge for so damn long. THis justdoes not sit well. I can't put my finger on exactly why? But I am going to try to understand. It all feels so sad and wanting and as I stated, what can I really say? I love my male friends, but perhaps it is true, men and women cannot be friends? I have gone all the way with this spectrum, from never breaking the fourth wall, to deciding to give the relationship a romantic moment and none of it works. You just end up feeling bereft. Someone has to walk away to save the friendship. It all just sucks.