Saturday, May 27, 2023

just sometimes

I have been waiting for an influx of cash to come my way after a guaranteed project that I signed contractually occured several weeks ago. However, the clients form of payment is not accessible from their country to mine, so it has been a challenge on both sides. While I wait, of course life is going on, and I have had to dip into savings accounts that I try to ignore. I am fully aware of the privilege of that ability even though the accounts are not to my mind anything really substantial. Yet, I am grateful that I can have those choices. What has been interesting to me over the course of this situation is the way that I have had to come up with a variety of options to get the things I have needed while waiting. The bulk of the issue has actually not really been about me, but about just seeing to expenses that naturally come up now that I am in a new place (but not for much longer) I am also uber conscious that over the last twelve days I have been loathe to do what my ex-husband suggests...ie: contacting his lawyer regarding asking for money. For me this has really lashed my ego. I would prefer to chew off my foot than ask...and I know that I am being stubborn and dragging my feet about it. But my attitude does not come from nowhere. I am so familiar with thinking (in parenthathese) that I am dealing with a reasonable person. But not taking into account that I am actually in a bear trap. So even if he is being sincere, I just do not trust it. It is a sad indightment of our divorce. Yet I think that the fact that I can call it as I see it on my part os a big step in being real about my less than admirable traits that deserve airing too. I have learned a lot during the past four months and I know that it serves me in good stead.

Tuesday, May 16, 2023

Eh?

On that last note...my consciousness is giving me something to play with while it does its thing...takes me to Kinetic Symphony on U-Tube where the narrator does his best to bring some sort of meaning to the random things many of us cannot explain away. My consciousness is something I think I never have really delved into. Apart from when things have gone so weirdly that I put out an off handed questioning of what the hell is going on? Or why did I say or do whatever it was? Or why am I having to experience this...or some variation that goes counter to me minding my own business. If my consciousness is what I think it is, then it is huge. It may be bigger than the planet and even this solar system btw. So what does it get up to? Well for sure it isn't interested in my hurt toe. It isn't into minutia. It has seen it all. Everything. it has already seen ALL, ALL. So how do I deal with this immensely powerful thing? It isn't a thing for starters. It has no form so that means no ending. It isn't catering to me. Yet it is loving, kind and NOT a gender and has no agenda. Lol Consciousness is like sky with clouds moving about but never raining, never producing anything of discomfort. It is being...of which my being is also being. ................................................................................................................................................................................................................ his reminds me of my daughter telling me when she was younger that we are not 'here' to do 'anything.' There is something really interesting about that statement. I sit with it sometimes. WE ARE NOT HERE TO DO ANYTHING. It can mean so many things including exactly what it says. Hmmmm. .......................................................consciousness sees me like we see a tree's leaves blowing in the wind. Is it the wind or is it the leaves? I give it meaning, Consciousness gives both the tree and the air the right.....................................................................................................................................

energetic energy

So, again, I want to make another investigation into 'energy.' Today as I already mentioned, I was feeling out of sorts. I was going down the garden path of why is everything not working out? What is it that I am not doing? WHy am I so stressed? Then I bumped my right foot. Less than a week after finally getting the all clear to not have to return to hospital regarding the breaking of my left toe. So of course this time I felt like a wild, hysterical woman. What the hell is going on I screamed silently to the heavens as tears poured down my cheeks! What the hell is going on now?!!!! In the middle of that feeling I remembered the wonderful comedian Dane Cook who said that you can be crying, wailing and then suddenly realise that your acting. Lol. Thank you Dane. I interpreted what he meant as, there is only so much crying that the body can absorb, you have to move on,you cannot cry forever,you just can't,there is something that has to be done after that.(No one is coming to save you.) So anyway, it made me so upset and angry and pathetic all over again, and I then decided to use the rage as fuel and I said that I was not going to just wallow in the pain I was feeling...so I wrote all about being my trust fund. But then, after that, I called my mom wanting to not only read that entry to her, but to expound on how amazing 'energy' is...but guess what, she was so distracted that despite meaning well and wanting to listen to me, she kept interrupting me and we ended up hanging up. What I guaged from that was that what I am experiencing today is mostly or absolutely for me. It isn't about rushing out and talking about it. Here is perfect for it though, because it isn't about sunflowers and rainbows. My shitty feeling this morning that got easily fuelled by whatever I lay my gaze on continued to the hurt foot. Now the hurt right foot may not actually be some sort of bad luck omen as I instantly thought. It may even not have any meaning whatsoever. Yet,the situation again gave me a nod to how I use my thoughts. It also is a nod to how much 'in the flow' of energy we are collectively. By favoring or choosing to go on a journey of low energy I found it everywhere and felt it everywhere. The answer it gave to me was to build up my core and to remember or remind myself that it is not only fleeting, but also not something to take to heart too much....the same can be said for feeling elated too... its all well and good, but these extremes are just that....observing in all things is actually the fun part...and sometimes it is easy to forget. So, I may have now sprained and/or broken the right second from my pinky toe. I now know what I need to do. I now am fully present. I am now damn mad and focusing differently and I am most of all, waiting for what comes next with a slightly different mindset. Am I just another human trying to make meaning from the random? Most likely. But guess what, my consciousness also likes this game and shall give me whatever answers will keep its little child quiet while it does what it does. The End.

Trust Fund

Ever so often when I am feeling very overwhelmed or anxious about things just not going according to plan, (so that is a lot...) I sometimes fantacise about having a 'trust fund'. Now I must confess that I had one of sorts in my life. I just chose to cash it all in for the level of education that I wanted for myself. Today,in the kind of funk I found myself in,the thought came up again and it suddenly dawned on me that I am MY TRUST FUND. Right away I had to ask myself,do I TRUST MYSELF? What is a trust fund anyway? To me it is a fixed amount of money (intentionally accrewing in nature)that is held for you to use in a discretionary way. Well, what am I doing with my trust fund? Have I been squandering my creative 'capital?" Have I been leveraging my expectations and 'pivoting' when I find that my investments are not yielding the fruit that they should? Do I play a long game or am I always dipping into it with every intention of putting the capital back and then never doing it? Now that gave me pause, so much so that I think that it would make an exciting little article somewhere where writing about life is called for. Perhaps one of my many projects. What do I hold my 'trust fund' to be? It is the sum of my experiences, my creativity, my culture, my hopes and dreams that have been realised and those that have not, the intention of them yielding great fruit in the future. I am always 'banking' my trust fund. I am always looking over it like a protective parent. However, many times I make swift withdrawals and do not consider the boon that my fund provides me. I do not always honor it with respect. This happens when I am stressed or have expectations that do not provide the hopes that I have, so I treat my trust fund like an account that does nothing for me, and for that,I must atone. My trust fund is my parachute. My trust fund is greater than physical money. My trust fund funds not only my future but those of my future benefactors and beyond. In my trust fund I must vow to build not only a nest egg, but an attitude of gratitiude to all that pouring into myself means. I am not to pour poison. I am not to withdraw all of my savings looking for investments elsewhere and outside of my trust fund. I am to remember that my trust fund was set up from inception with every intention to cushion my life. My trust fund is a support system that is to wear well with all of the ups and downs of life. My trust fund is a life jacket to know I may never have to wear for long or if so, I can keep in great condition for any other need. My trust fund is not out of sight, out of mind. It is a constant living, breathing investment in myself. My trust fund is also NOT only for good times. In fact it is during the worst of times that my trust fund provides me with a reminder of all that has been put into it. It is at those times that looking at the healthy balance matters most. I thank myself for having my trust fund. I promise to deposit more and regularly into my trust fund from now on and not take it so much for granted. Thank you MY trust fund. I am so relieved to know that I have one, and always will.

Thursday, May 4, 2023

what a centre

During the last few months being in a different environment, one thing has stood out considerably. Spending more time with myself, I find that the word confidence comes up a lot. Even today on my way back to the flat, I said to myself, well you certainly have shown that being negative has worked brilliantly for you, so why not positivity for a change. It was a little joke that packed a big punch.