just sometimes

I have been waiting for an influx of cash to come my way after a guaranteed project that I signed contractually occured several weeks ago. However, the clients form of payment is not accessible from their country to mine, so it has been a challenge on both sides. While I wait, of course life is going on, and I have had to dip into savings accounts that I try to ignore. I am fully aware of the privilege of that ability even though the accounts are not to my mind anything really substantial. Yet, I am grateful that I can have those choices. What has been interesting to me over the course of this situation is the way that I have had to come up with a variety of options to get the things I have needed while waiting. The bulk of the issue has actually not really been about me, but about just seeing to expenses that naturally come up now that I am in a new place (but not for much longer) I am also uber conscious that over the last twelve days I have been loathe to do what my ex-husband suggests...ie: contacting his lawyer regarding asking for money. For me this has really lashed my ego. I would prefer to chew off my foot than ask...and I know that I am being stubborn and dragging my feet about it. But my attitude does not come from nowhere. I am so familiar with thinking (in parenthathese) that I am dealing with a reasonable person. But not taking into account that I am actually in a bear trap. So even if he is being sincere, I just do not trust it. It is a sad indightment of our divorce. Yet I think that the fact that I can call it as I see it on my part os a big step in being real about my less than admirable traits that deserve airing too. I have learned a lot during the past four months and I know that it serves me in good stead.