curioser...is life
A few weeks ago I heard from someone whom I have very strong feelings for. I had thought that it may be the start of something very sweet for me. Then, to my surprise, it just did not go as I had hoped.
Yes, the feelings are there, but the will, is not.
It has left me with something that I knew from the start, yet felt a sort of quixotic sense about...it may even also be within me.
On the one hand, you can feel so deeply about a person...yet hold yourself in because the time is just not right.
Then, because you make the choice to not act, you are forced to look at the thing more seriously, you conclude that it is all about you, and you put those feelings away very carefully.
Then one day you are released, unexpectedly and they find you again. You give yourself the permission to dream, but still, you do not dream too much, for the fact that you concluded the last time that it was always about you. Yet, there is that internal smile. Should you hope?
So the game begins, and somehow you are not ready to show all of your cards until you know for sure. The trouble is, they feel the same.
Stalemate.
You have to push past, and you do and then they tell you what you knew before...they can't. They just can't.
It doesn't matter why not.
Thank god that you know that it isn't about you at all. It is about where they are, and what they just simply cannot seem to see.
~
What did I learn?
We say that we want certain things in our lives, we want them so badly that we can feel and see these things before our eyes. Yet there are also those who see as plainly and are too afraid. They are afraid for whatever reason that may be, and there is nothing that can be done for it.
I saw that the first time, and the irony was that I felt that I was the one with so much more to lose.
But I felt it, I saw how afraid happiness felt had left him so vulnerable.
So I thanked him in my note and quickly got into another type of discussion. One where I offered my friendship instead.
I will always remember what if... I shall smile, and I shall remember what I meant to him and he to me.
He is part of my growth as a person.
I will also say this, this then means that whomever the person shall be...what a thing, I know that I shall look on with justified amazement at the beauty.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
what I have learnt so far
A few days ago I got an epiphany as I looked at the picture of some old friends who are happily married and expecting their first child. Naturally I was struck by the pure joy and pride in their faces. I then found my mind wondering to whether I was ever that happy? It took no time for me to be able to recite the list of things that went wrong in my own relationship.
Then it happened, I saw what it was that I felt, saw and knew to be the answer, and it was the oldest cliche in the book...L O V E
That realization struck me so strongly that it went into the next day. I found that I was able to look at the day from that place, and the day was just better for it.
I do not know whether that can be something that I can sustain, or should sustain every day. But I can certainly try.
A few days ago I got an epiphany as I looked at the picture of some old friends who are happily married and expecting their first child. Naturally I was struck by the pure joy and pride in their faces. I then found my mind wondering to whether I was ever that happy? It took no time for me to be able to recite the list of things that went wrong in my own relationship.
Then it happened, I saw what it was that I felt, saw and knew to be the answer, and it was the oldest cliche in the book...L O V E
That realization struck me so strongly that it went into the next day. I found that I was able to look at the day from that place, and the day was just better for it.
I do not know whether that can be something that I can sustain, or should sustain every day. But I can certainly try.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Grateful
I am grateful for life,
grateful for the hugs of my little one
her smile, her cries, her no! I will not.
I am grateful for my work,
my energy,
my experience.
My plans
my dreams
my future before me...
I am grateful to have known real love
when it felt so strong that I felt that I needed nothing more in my life
I am grateful that I have more feelings of happiness than sad
I am grateful for my family and friends
I am grateful for myself as my first friend
It is so easy to forget just how much more there is to be happy and moreso
thankful for.
thankful
full
fullfilled.
grateful.
and further more.....
Today I also felt very sad about my marriage. I am not the first woman to have this happen to her. I should know that feeling sad about this is not unusual or unexpected. Yet whenever I feel this way, I feel embarressed and upset about it. I cannot seem to get past the fact that from time to time it shall feel as though I have not managed to move past the emotions.
I should take a good look at that. It was traumatic, so what do you expect.
It was traumatic!
There, you said it.
A trauma is a trauma. You will find it difficult to transcend just like that. it takes councelling. it takes time. it takes a conscious observation of what it makes you feel. It isn't something that you get over in a weekend.
Perhaps I need to speak with a professional too?
Today I also felt very sad about my marriage. I am not the first woman to have this happen to her. I should know that feeling sad about this is not unusual or unexpected. Yet whenever I feel this way, I feel embarressed and upset about it. I cannot seem to get past the fact that from time to time it shall feel as though I have not managed to move past the emotions.
I should take a good look at that. It was traumatic, so what do you expect.
It was traumatic!
There, you said it.
A trauma is a trauma. You will find it difficult to transcend just like that. it takes councelling. it takes time. it takes a conscious observation of what it makes you feel. It isn't something that you get over in a weekend.
Perhaps I need to speak with a professional too?
money,money, money
I had a money moment today that I have to unravel and solve here, once and for all. I have found that I am worried about money in an unhealthy, unrealistic way. On the one hand, my concerns are reasonable, in that, I know how much I spend monthly, and I know where my taste is extravagent...I prefer buying cauliflower from America than the local type because I eat it raw, for example.
I just got a part time job and I am very sensitive about my savings after spending a great deal of it on survival over the last year and a half.
Why I feel this way, has to do with something that I want to buy for myself. The item is something that I have wanted for three years, that the designer has made especially for me. It cost a bit more than I expected. In fact it cost twice what I was expecting and I was surprised. I wondered whether it was too much, and I should nix getting it after all.
I reminded myself that I am working on a number of things that shall bring in money for myself, and that I should not be afraid to buy things.
I suppose that what I am saying is that I am concerned about going below my limit for how much further I want to dip into my savings. I know that I shall be able to go in the other direction in a few months, that of putting money back into my account instead of spending from it.
i can very proudly say that I have not touched my credit card since I decided not to, since May. I have the disciplne. I have never really been ridiculous with money. It is just that this is the first time that I am in this particular position as mother, divorcee, part-time worker and full time artist. So I am mindful of what I want to achieve and what is happening.
This has nothing to do with the world financial crisis, as I know from experiencing recessions, that money can still be made. It is a matter of creative will to see things from a position of abundance no matter what the perceived outcome around you.
I think that I simply needed to write down my concerns. Now that I have, I feel alot better.
My intentions are still sound, as money comes in, as much of that that I can afford to put back towards my savings, I will.
I have also decided that I shall hold off on putting money into a money market account until I can hear a bit more about what is happening with such investments here, and the world stock exchange settles down.
I was feeling as though I am spending, spending, spending and not seeing savings. That was my concern. But I must remind myself that earning and saving is very much in my ability to do. i can do it, and I will do it. So there is nothing to fear.
My ability has helped me to survive through a divorce. My good financial planning has helped me through the last two years. I have alot to be proud of in myself.
I had a money moment today that I have to unravel and solve here, once and for all. I have found that I am worried about money in an unhealthy, unrealistic way. On the one hand, my concerns are reasonable, in that, I know how much I spend monthly, and I know where my taste is extravagent...I prefer buying cauliflower from America than the local type because I eat it raw, for example.
I just got a part time job and I am very sensitive about my savings after spending a great deal of it on survival over the last year and a half.
Why I feel this way, has to do with something that I want to buy for myself. The item is something that I have wanted for three years, that the designer has made especially for me. It cost a bit more than I expected. In fact it cost twice what I was expecting and I was surprised. I wondered whether it was too much, and I should nix getting it after all.
I reminded myself that I am working on a number of things that shall bring in money for myself, and that I should not be afraid to buy things.
I suppose that what I am saying is that I am concerned about going below my limit for how much further I want to dip into my savings. I know that I shall be able to go in the other direction in a few months, that of putting money back into my account instead of spending from it.
i can very proudly say that I have not touched my credit card since I decided not to, since May. I have the disciplne. I have never really been ridiculous with money. It is just that this is the first time that I am in this particular position as mother, divorcee, part-time worker and full time artist. So I am mindful of what I want to achieve and what is happening.
This has nothing to do with the world financial crisis, as I know from experiencing recessions, that money can still be made. It is a matter of creative will to see things from a position of abundance no matter what the perceived outcome around you.
I think that I simply needed to write down my concerns. Now that I have, I feel alot better.
My intentions are still sound, as money comes in, as much of that that I can afford to put back towards my savings, I will.
I have also decided that I shall hold off on putting money into a money market account until I can hear a bit more about what is happening with such investments here, and the world stock exchange settles down.
I was feeling as though I am spending, spending, spending and not seeing savings. That was my concern. But I must remind myself that earning and saving is very much in my ability to do. i can do it, and I will do it. So there is nothing to fear.
My ability has helped me to survive through a divorce. My good financial planning has helped me through the last two years. I have alot to be proud of in myself.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Something I said to a friend of mine today has resonated with me, for me.
Life is an illusion, so you better make your illusion good for you.
Sometimes I think that it takes so long to learn what is necessary, that by the time the information comes, it may be too late. But I also know better. If you really want certain things in your life, you set them out mentally first.
We had a really good talk. We had not had a true heart to heart in some time. We have both been extremely busy, and although we try to talk every few days, sometimes things get the better of us.
Life is an illusion, so you better make your illusion good for you.
Sometimes I think that it takes so long to learn what is necessary, that by the time the information comes, it may be too late. But I also know better. If you really want certain things in your life, you set them out mentally first.
We had a really good talk. We had not had a true heart to heart in some time. We have both been extremely busy, and although we try to talk every few days, sometimes things get the better of us.
Friday, October 17, 2008
The world is still good
In many ways, since I was a child, I have found that as I got older, many aspects of life seemed to get worse. I remember very, very little crime on my island. I remember feeling very safe to play outside.
The economic downturn has made me look at what has been good about the world, and the sense of entitlement that most of us feel. Thinking differently has met us and we cannot turn back to old ways anymore.
What would have happened if most of us were happy with the first cellphone model, or the first computer? Naturally we all want to do better, look better, get better. No one can put the Genie back in the bottle. But I could not help but wonder about the things that one thinks is needed to have a good life.
When I was in my twenties, I made a list of the things that I would need to have my own home. If I made a list of twenty things, eighteen of them were appliances and high technology. I remember being quite stunned about that.
I remember looking at the list and finding it very unfortunate that after a bed, chairs,stove, everything else looked like things you could not do without...yet once, obviously, we did do without.
I think that it was then that I began to look at all of the consumer things that we all feel we just must have! We must have them, now!
This year I looked at my own money, realising more acutely that you must put a price on how much you spend in a month, months and a year. Then you look at it all over again in another year. You find yourself spending much more than you realise, and you feel bad when you decide not to buy that magazine, but you go ahead and buy the dress.
Also, you can spend your money much faster then you can make it last, if you do not become cognizant that.
But as I stated before, I have been looking at life a bit differently lately. You want certain things, and ultimately you want to be happy.
But you know that being happy isn't necessarily about money. It is giving my little one a piggy back, or walking with her in the garden. That makes me very happy.
Happy is knowing that I can have a lovely house, but filling it with the laughter of friends makes it a home.
So much happiness gets compromised because of all the work to get the time to 'be' happy.
When do we finally get off the treadmill?
What do we really want?
Do we even understand it when we get it?
This was my problem with my ex-husband. I found that he never seemed to exhale and be happy. he was always finding something worthy of delaying satisfaction for. He claimed that he was happy, until that fateful day when he finally looked at me and said that he was unhappy.
I look at people in their cars, and walking with their children or lovers, and what is this world? What is this life? So much of it is routine and what do we really think we feel, or want to feel?
What is happiness when that day lasts and lasts for more than a few hours?
I want to come back to this thought again very soon. I have much more to say, but for now, I shall end here.
In many ways, since I was a child, I have found that as I got older, many aspects of life seemed to get worse. I remember very, very little crime on my island. I remember feeling very safe to play outside.
The economic downturn has made me look at what has been good about the world, and the sense of entitlement that most of us feel. Thinking differently has met us and we cannot turn back to old ways anymore.
What would have happened if most of us were happy with the first cellphone model, or the first computer? Naturally we all want to do better, look better, get better. No one can put the Genie back in the bottle. But I could not help but wonder about the things that one thinks is needed to have a good life.
When I was in my twenties, I made a list of the things that I would need to have my own home. If I made a list of twenty things, eighteen of them were appliances and high technology. I remember being quite stunned about that.
I remember looking at the list and finding it very unfortunate that after a bed, chairs,stove, everything else looked like things you could not do without...yet once, obviously, we did do without.
I think that it was then that I began to look at all of the consumer things that we all feel we just must have! We must have them, now!
This year I looked at my own money, realising more acutely that you must put a price on how much you spend in a month, months and a year. Then you look at it all over again in another year. You find yourself spending much more than you realise, and you feel bad when you decide not to buy that magazine, but you go ahead and buy the dress.
Also, you can spend your money much faster then you can make it last, if you do not become cognizant that.
But as I stated before, I have been looking at life a bit differently lately. You want certain things, and ultimately you want to be happy.
But you know that being happy isn't necessarily about money. It is giving my little one a piggy back, or walking with her in the garden. That makes me very happy.
Happy is knowing that I can have a lovely house, but filling it with the laughter of friends makes it a home.
So much happiness gets compromised because of all the work to get the time to 'be' happy.
When do we finally get off the treadmill?
What do we really want?
Do we even understand it when we get it?
This was my problem with my ex-husband. I found that he never seemed to exhale and be happy. he was always finding something worthy of delaying satisfaction for. He claimed that he was happy, until that fateful day when he finally looked at me and said that he was unhappy.
I look at people in their cars, and walking with their children or lovers, and what is this world? What is this life? So much of it is routine and what do we really think we feel, or want to feel?
What is happiness when that day lasts and lasts for more than a few hours?
I want to come back to this thought again very soon. I have much more to say, but for now, I shall end here.
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