So what?!

My ex-husband and I went to a councillor yesterday. Yep, we did everything backward, got divorced and sought the councillor afterwards. It was an experience. I found that she leaned towards his way of thinking and although she got across some of mine, I didn't feel that she did it enough for him to truly 'get it'. The bottom line though is that no councillor can help you with your life.

Only you can choose to let the things that hurt,go. Only you can decide to overlook things that you held to, hoping that the other person would conform to what you need. To me, my needs seem simple,I need an apology,I need to feel some sense of respect or regard. To me it isn't something difficult to do.
However, it continues to feel and seem as though I am asking for something super human from him, because although he may say something from time to time that suggests growth,to me it comes after giving miles and miles of myself for a crumb. So,I concluded recently that none of this was worth this anymore and that I had had it.I wanted nothing to do with him. In fact last night, when he explained to me where things unravelled in our relationship, I was so beyond disappointed that I told him that the fact that he could ruin our marriage for something so minor,meant to me that we didn't have much of anything to begin with,if it could break apart so easily.

LET THE HURT GO.In fact, I will go a step further, I dare my life to take a turn for the dramatically better,so much so that this hurt (the only hurt that shall feel this devastating) shall trickle away and be of no significance in my future, to the point where I will wonder what was the whole fuss about.

what does this mean?

The death of my closest friend is bringing into perspective things about my life that I knew would be coming up because of the fact that we were so close and we were also business partners. So, I knew that this would throw me into a tailspin about what I want to do now. But, tonight, I am also finding myself thinking about this whole sadness and coming to terms with his loss.
I have been here before, losing someone very close. The last time, in my twenties,it was new to me. Now, knowing what to expect makes it a bit more unusual. On the one hand I have an idea of what I will be going through, but on the other hand, I have no idea where this shall all lead me.
I am also aware of something that I was observing before he died, and that was my shift in mood. The fact that when I felt confident it was so thorough and when I felt the opposite, I also felt it as complete. I was beginning to feel that I had many more positive, productive days than not. But now, I wonder whether that shall become harder for me?
It is early yet, so I am experiencing ups and downs in one day. I am feeling very up and then very, very down and I am trying to deal with it as it comes.It is just hard to take, knowing that just weeks ago we did things together and now he's gone.
Should I look at everything that has felt like a loss, as a new beginning? It might be the wisest thing to do.

and then...

I do believe that I must be careful to not make self-fulfilling prophecies, in the already posted letter. I do want to see something better happen to me in my life where the father of my child and my emotional life, generally, gets better by leaps and bounds. I decided to push my writing tonight because I have a problem with giving up and giving in.
Although I know that sometimes that is the only choice.
What this is really about is the ego. What this is really about is rejection, and I must discuss it now if I am going to have any peace with myself. The divorce felt like a complete rejection. I felt blind-sided,and I still feel hurt, and more so, I am surprised at the fact that moving on, even with someone else,is taking so long for me.
Maybe it is indeed time to seek some professional help, as the ego just cannot let go.
I had to let go of certain hopes and expectations when my dear friend died, so why am I unable or unwilling to do this for someone who clearly has let go at least three years ago?
Perhaps it is partially because I held him up to a ridiculously high regard and feel a deep sense of not measuring up to that regard as a dynamic of our co-dependence? Because I am aware that his insistence that we continue with a past plan,despite having no interest in me,is co-dependent on his part....so we both have to watch it! We clearly have some major crap to solve (if it can ever really be solved)
If it is that,then the former post is necessary and a good start.
I know that this is the ego because I cannot shift my thinking, too much is connected to feeling hurt and bringing up these hurts at every turn when this topic comes up. So, how do I change this? How do I work on this?
I think I need to make plans for my emotional life. Perhaps one option is making myself more visible. I don't go out. Maybe I should start doing that,be more sociable? That may help me? The alternative certainly is not yielding anything but much of the same?
So the last post stays.
As I always say, the issues are always about YOU if you take the time to do the work, you WILL find the answers you seek.

Outcomes and incomes

Today I knew that I would be a little unsteady emotionally, and what I mean by that, is that today would have been the day, last week that my dearest friend was dying. The whole week has been challenging. From his family descending on me and all wanting answers and re-assurance that they were good to him, to my ex-husband deciding to throw me the cold shoulder when I chose supporting the family of my friend over some pre-scheduled thing with him.
In fact that brings me here tonight. I had a long and unexpectedly frank talk with his mother. My friends death has made me see some things that have gone on, a bit differently now. I suspect that his death marks a true turning point in my life.
I have finally given up my attempts to make right my post marriage status with my ex-husband. The way he behaved when I chose my friends' funeral over his issue was just the last straw,and I have had many last straws I have felt,but this time,I think that that one did the trick.
I have come to terms with the fact that he is just a selfish,thoughtless person.I have hoped that he could mature and get past certain behaviour that he now shows me, but this will just not be the case. In fact,I do not know what convinced me that I could have a civil or any relationship with him for that matter?
The way of most people seems to be the best idea....to go our separate ways and not speak, maybe ever again, apart from discussing our child.
I know that what I am writing sounds a bit harsh,but I can see no alternative.I really have had enough. I have tried and tried,and tried. When my friend was alive, he used to say, god knows you've tried. Now I ask myself, why? To what avail have I even bothered? Every time I reached out, I gave ten miles for a fraction of a centimetre in response.
This is just not worth it. I throw down my hands,I give up. I can do no more.I do not see the point.

Last night I automatically started to write Richard an email, and last night I thought I heard someone say Hold on Richard, I'll get her for you.
This was not an, oh, I do not feel well, and let's go to the doctor. This was ill and then death. I had been nagging him to have a check-up. I know that I cannot assume anything until the autopsy results come back. But today, I feel more wild eyed than yesterday.
I was able to sleep, I made sure of that by really pushing myself yesterday.
But today, I had to push myself out of bed with the knowledge that I cannot call my best friend on the phone to find out how he is feeling.
I can never do this, ever again...


I have to get up and go on with my life.
I have to spend some time today to put my thoughts in place about how I am going to move forward.
If I do not do this, I think that I shall never recover from this.

My oldest and dearest friend has died. I love you Richard, and I shall miss you until we meet again. Thank you for being in my life.

the peace of wild things
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

— Wendell Berry