and then...

I do believe that I must be careful to not make self-fulfilling prophecies, in the already posted letter. I do want to see something better happen to me in my life where the father of my child and my emotional life, generally, gets better by leaps and bounds. I decided to push my writing tonight because I have a problem with giving up and giving in.
Although I know that sometimes that is the only choice.
What this is really about is the ego. What this is really about is rejection, and I must discuss it now if I am going to have any peace with myself. The divorce felt like a complete rejection. I felt blind-sided,and I still feel hurt, and more so, I am surprised at the fact that moving on, even with someone else,is taking so long for me.
Maybe it is indeed time to seek some professional help, as the ego just cannot let go.
I had to let go of certain hopes and expectations when my dear friend died, so why am I unable or unwilling to do this for someone who clearly has let go at least three years ago?
Perhaps it is partially because I held him up to a ridiculously high regard and feel a deep sense of not measuring up to that regard as a dynamic of our co-dependence? Because I am aware that his insistence that we continue with a past plan,despite having no interest in me,is co-dependent on his part....so we both have to watch it! We clearly have some major crap to solve (if it can ever really be solved)
If it is that,then the former post is necessary and a good start.
I know that this is the ego because I cannot shift my thinking, too much is connected to feeling hurt and bringing up these hurts at every turn when this topic comes up. So, how do I change this? How do I work on this?
I think I need to make plans for my emotional life. Perhaps one option is making myself more visible. I don't go out. Maybe I should start doing that,be more sociable? That may help me? The alternative certainly is not yielding anything but much of the same?
So the last post stays.
As I always say, the issues are always about YOU if you take the time to do the work, you WILL find the answers you seek.