In Reading Over
I thought that I should look at some of the things that occupied my thoughts this year, and realised that I have not written about the latest with my ex huband.
The councellor we had gone to had annoyed me, because she ' to my mind' seemed to be asking me to compromise to move forward. However, at the end of the day, I came to the conclusion that if I were to really progress, I would have to let many things that urk me, go. I just had to forgive and move on.
During this time, he decided that he would go to Canada. He has been there since the end of September and he has decided that he is not willing to look for some low paying, blue collar job. He decided this last month, and ever since, he has not even tried to look for anything at all. He has also not applied for our daughters' PR card or seen to renewing his own.
His about face about Canada is much more staggering in nature than I could have expected. When I was married to him, I thought that his going would help him to see how important what he was doing here in his own country is for him. Yet, I did not expect that he would fold so quickly and so easily. I have to do my best to not compare his attitude to my going and his attitude to his going.
He did write me an email apology for having believed that when I had gone that I was not trying hard enough. I appreciate that, because I did try hard and clearly, I tried harder than he did.
To look back and compare, and to know that so much of our lives has been spent in the futile attempt to argue who is right or who is smart.
What was it all for?
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
more thinking...
What an interesting thing it is to experience a tumult of feelings back to back that encourage you to think several things on one topic over a forty-eight hour period.
After our talk, I felt comfortable and even happy that we had reached what I thought was a consensus.
Then, I began to feel a sense of loss and even a bit of pique when I mulled over some of what was said.
Even later, I chose to conclude that I had something to learn from the whole thing. Then after I felt that I had closed that page, it started up all over again.
What I got from all of this, is to take a look at what I want and how I affect myself. This time, I come prepared with the knowing that I am standing strong. It does not mean that my ego is completely behaving...because I cannot deny that a small part of me is saying that I know that this is how it will always go down.
What I am getting this time is that I am in a control of the situation that has nothing to do with ego but with looking above what should happen to what can be better in the end, even if I might slip again...and slip because I am not going to lie, I feel him.
What an interesting thing it is to experience a tumult of feelings back to back that encourage you to think several things on one topic over a forty-eight hour period.
After our talk, I felt comfortable and even happy that we had reached what I thought was a consensus.
Then, I began to feel a sense of loss and even a bit of pique when I mulled over some of what was said.
Even later, I chose to conclude that I had something to learn from the whole thing. Then after I felt that I had closed that page, it started up all over again.
What I got from all of this, is to take a look at what I want and how I affect myself. This time, I come prepared with the knowing that I am standing strong. It does not mean that my ego is completely behaving...because I cannot deny that a small part of me is saying that I know that this is how it will always go down.
What I am getting this time is that I am in a control of the situation that has nothing to do with ego but with looking above what should happen to what can be better in the end, even if I might slip again...and slip because I am not going to lie, I feel him.
Monday, December 20, 2010
The feeling sorries really kicked my ass earlier today. I felt and thought some really low things. I was really marvelling at the degree to which I felt it necessary to torture myself.
What brought me back to myself? As my friend Stephen said, start thinking of better and also of what you have done in the past, that straightened me out.
What brought me back to myself? As my friend Stephen said, start thinking of better and also of what you have done in the past, that straightened me out.
It has been awhile since I last put my thoughts down here. I find myself here today because I am feeling emotionally out of sorts. This year I had a moment where I acted in a certain way, although I knew that I was better off not pursuing the whole thing.
I did it because I wanted to feel and to be in the situation. The person was there to make me feel that I was receiving certain attention and love, and I had missed this so much in my life.
Last week we finally had a serious talk and decided that it could not go any further. I always knew this, but I still took it on. Why? I shudder to think that loneliness could be the answer. In fact the answer is more than that I am sure. For I know that we mirror each other, and if I am going through this mental anguish that I am causing myself, I know the other person enough to know that I am not alone.
I just wanted to know that this
Christmas there was someone in my life who wants the same things that I do. All of this sounds hokey and I feel embarressed to admit that I need someone in my life, and that I miss love and I miss sex and I miss intimacy. I am at such wits end with myself that I just had to get to this diary to write because of how emotional I feel I am.
These feelings come also because I am feeling as though everyone else is doing something and enjoying their lives, and I miss my closest friend, and now this littel dalliance has just left me disappointed.
I did it because I wanted to feel and to be in the situation. The person was there to make me feel that I was receiving certain attention and love, and I had missed this so much in my life.
Last week we finally had a serious talk and decided that it could not go any further. I always knew this, but I still took it on. Why? I shudder to think that loneliness could be the answer. In fact the answer is more than that I am sure. For I know that we mirror each other, and if I am going through this mental anguish that I am causing myself, I know the other person enough to know that I am not alone.
I just wanted to know that this
Christmas there was someone in my life who wants the same things that I do. All of this sounds hokey and I feel embarressed to admit that I need someone in my life, and that I miss love and I miss sex and I miss intimacy. I am at such wits end with myself that I just had to get to this diary to write because of how emotional I feel I am.
These feelings come also because I am feeling as though everyone else is doing something and enjoying their lives, and I miss my closest friend, and now this littel dalliance has just left me disappointed.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
10.10.10
What a lovely date. It is simply so empowering. My day went well, and I am in very good spirits. I planned on writing something quite different, but on reflection, I had to conclude that there is much more to write in a positive way than there is to worry about. one of my former students has gotten into retailing art supplies, so I've asked her to check on the Fellissimo pencils for me. Five hundred color pencils, hand crafted...completely Artgasmic!
Faber Castel also has some new promotion, but their pencils come to a much higher price...yet, can one ever have too many colored pencils?
I just hand painted a chiffon dress for my mother, so I am on a painting and color binge, and I am not stopping there. I have so much to do artistically, and I love it.
Faber Castel also has some new promotion, but their pencils come to a much higher price...yet, can one ever have too many colored pencils?
I just hand painted a chiffon dress for my mother, so I am on a painting and color binge, and I am not stopping there. I have so much to do artistically, and I love it.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
a realisation
The other night I was musing on the amount of growth I know I still need. This came about when I thought back to a few things that I have experienced lately, the loss of my closest friend. Working on big projects without him, feeling so sad some days that I wondered about whether I can actually do my work constructively? Then there is the ex-husband and all that I have been doing to develop a better relationship with him, and other emotional issues.
Today though, I was part of a symposium and I felt that it had gone very well. My ex has done tones of them, and he had given me some constructive criticism on it, being my first. I was feeling quite good about our communications on the subject, and even found growth in my approach with him.
Then tonight, after feeling positive about the way things went, I tempted fate and asked him what his friend who was there thought of the whole thing? This person is like himself, very self satisfied and sees only his approach as relevant.Needless to say, he was quite forthcoming with some harsh criticism.
I am writing about it because although I made my own snide retort, I noticed something about myself tonight with this exchange.
I was disappointed. Not upset.
I know the dynamic between he and his friend, and I even compared it to what he probably felt for years when he believed that I was influenced or taken over by my parents.
I know...I take a long time to learn things sometime. But this was interesting.
after we spoke and I asked myself what it was that I was really feeling? I concluded that sometimes you are just so different, and just cannot bond in a neutral place. I cannot be what I am not, and neither can he. Whatever he thinks is his right, and I feel good about what I did and that's my right.
Today though, I was part of a symposium and I felt that it had gone very well. My ex has done tones of them, and he had given me some constructive criticism on it, being my first. I was feeling quite good about our communications on the subject, and even found growth in my approach with him.
Then tonight, after feeling positive about the way things went, I tempted fate and asked him what his friend who was there thought of the whole thing? This person is like himself, very self satisfied and sees only his approach as relevant.Needless to say, he was quite forthcoming with some harsh criticism.
I am writing about it because although I made my own snide retort, I noticed something about myself tonight with this exchange.
I was disappointed. Not upset.
I know the dynamic between he and his friend, and I even compared it to what he probably felt for years when he believed that I was influenced or taken over by my parents.
I know...I take a long time to learn things sometime. But this was interesting.
after we spoke and I asked myself what it was that I was really feeling? I concluded that sometimes you are just so different, and just cannot bond in a neutral place. I cannot be what I am not, and neither can he. Whatever he thinks is his right, and I feel good about what I did and that's my right.
Monday, October 4, 2010
only sometimes...
Today, an exchange between my parents and myself led me to see how much living with a domineering person and then in this instance, multiplied by two, can be so exhausting. I used to think that I could manage this and it not affect me too much. But sometimes it gets to be too much.
The attitude is to talk at you and to hammer home their opinion and completely ignore, downplay or insult your point of view.
This behavior always gets me to a place where I ask again, what the hell am I doing here? Why am I still here?
I am still with them because of the decision that I have made towards years end.
Although I can say already that it is a closely cut decision that may not go as I expect.
What is this decision? I have an obligation abroad and I have to be in the country by a certain time.
The challenge of being away then is twofold, first of all having to leave my little one behind is not something that I want to consider and the other part has to do with hitting the ground running.
Yet,I also feel that doing something different is important for me now, because the present circumstances are such that they have now painted me into a corner where not moving is not an option.
The attitude is to talk at you and to hammer home their opinion and completely ignore, downplay or insult your point of view.
This behavior always gets me to a place where I ask again, what the hell am I doing here? Why am I still here?
I am still with them because of the decision that I have made towards years end.
Although I can say already that it is a closely cut decision that may not go as I expect.
What is this decision? I have an obligation abroad and I have to be in the country by a certain time.
The challenge of being away then is twofold, first of all having to leave my little one behind is not something that I want to consider and the other part has to do with hitting the ground running.
Yet,I also feel that doing something different is important for me now, because the present circumstances are such that they have now painted me into a corner where not moving is not an option.
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