The Joy of sex

One of the things that I am coming to terms with is my sexual self. I do not know in what other way to confront myself.
Here I was, a virile, handsome man wanting me, and I decline.
I do so because it is the right thing to do.
.........................
I find myself occasionally conflicted about my desires...I have gone back and forth about who I desire.
I have had to separate the 'feelings' from the person. I am aware of a burgeoning sexuality within me that I want to express and to explore in full with a man who understands it and is a willing, capable partner.
I do not believe that this shall be difficult to attain.

.............
I find that I fragment myself sexually. I find myself hiding a bit from my intentions.
Why am I doing this?
.............
I think that I want to know myself more. I want to take whatever it is, slowly, really develop something beautiful.
I think that my needs now are more evolved than they were at twenty-six or even thirty-six.
...............
I think that in getting to know myself now, I want to enjoy the process.
I feel that it makes me, 'me.' This is just how I will do things.
...............
Punto finale

This week I told my potential hot squeeze goodbye. I found the whole thing untenable. I just decided it was time. I would only prolong the whole thing, when I knew fully well that I would not take it where he wanted to. What it did, was bring up a number of questions about myself that I must confront.
Why am I saying no?
Is it risk avoidance? Am I secretly interested in someone else? Do I want to get my own way? Is it that I cannot move on?
All of these things flooded into my thoughts.
The man has offered himself to me.
But it is simply not the right time, and it is all on him.
So, although my questions for myself may be legitimate, they in a way do not matter.

This person has been in my life off and on for decades. I care about him. But when he put forward his request to me,I knew very well that it could only go so far.

The scenario was as follows-: Act 6, Boy meets back up with old flame.
He proposes a relationship of sorts. He gives a plausible explanation.
She is curious. They proceed slowly to feel the other out.
Things come home to her that he is rooted elsewhere despite his complaints.
She says goodbye, this cannot happen until you change your circumstances.
The End.

Clear cut and simple.
I am not a home wrecker. I would not like anyone to do that to me.
I now realise from the whole thing that I have also let go of some other fine fantasies that I have had.

My darling almost relationship on another island......goodbye.
~
My almost hot and heavy, wonderful fantasy in another country....goodbye darling.
~
My crush in China....it was lovely.

All of these things are dead weight. They provide only foggy notions of a moment. No more, no less. I appreciate what they were. But they are in the past.

I have met amazing men, and I shall continue to do so.
I open myself now to the right person in the right time.
............
PS: I am who I am. I am contradictory. I have certain feelings about who I am, what I want. I see that I may want to explore certain things within myself....and that is why the entrance of the old flame was interesting and I chose to see what it is, further. But I have brought it around to what it was the last time...we always seem to get to a certain place and then no further.
............
I think that at this point in my life, I am discovering myself in ways that I am looking at, as I go through things, a woman with needs, desires, dreams, hopes for herself - mapping her space - coming into her own.
It is actually an exciting time.

Third lock down day

My island is in a 'State of Emergency'. I have never really been in this type of experience before, and I find it extremely odd. I feel a bit off balance by it all. It may be in part because of the strange information disseminated by our prime minister and members of her cabinet. They are getting important parts of their reasoning's confused and making many people very confused and uncomfortable.
This government has seemed quite wearisome. One of the reasons for such is the fact that there is way more media than ever before, so things are reported as they happen, and very little is allowed to settle.

Then my ex returned from his trip today. He decided to come to see our little one and asked me whether he could have her for the next few days. I miss her already, of course. She was so overactive today. She got up to all sorts of naughtiness, but, I appreciated everything although sometimes she truly tested my patience. She really did.

I wanted to write so much more, and so differently, but I am tired....nighty night.

What am I feeling?

The house is presently quiet and I have some lovely time to myself where I hear my thoughts over everything else.
I have been working a great deal, but when I stop for air, I realise that I am also feeling more so than ever, the missing of companionship. I know that I have mentioned this a great deal. I look my own company. I always have. But I am genuinely having a hard time (I find) with missing a man in my life. I suppose that when my best friend was alive, he provided much of that companionship.
So why do I feel so embarrassed to admit that this is how I feel? Is it that I do not want to admit that I want to rely on another person?
This may also have to do with still raw feelings of hurt where my ex-husband is concerned perhaps?
He was in my life steadily for over twenty years as well!

If this is what I have been given, no longer a marriage, no longer a long lasting friendship, then surely, it is this way for a reason?
Yet, I have spent great swaths of time alone and not thought on this topic for any stretch of time, but now, I am doing so?
So I notice the change.

However, I came to my diary tonight to think on something else. i was wondering about a curious musing....what have I been developing around me that is showing and growing because I have set them in place?
 In other words, I say that I want this and that....what do I feel from my instinct shall be the outcome of this and that?

How have I worked to put in actual place the wants and desires? Have I done enough to see that they actually happen?

I will not answer my question now. I just want to mull a bit.

what would Hermione do?

...so I am flirting with someone I shouldn't flirt with. He's committed, but on the way out...he says. Of course the right thing is to say see you later.

But I flirt nonetheless, I flirt because it is fun. I flirt because the feelings are mutual and just the right combination of no but yes.

I feel slightly guilty, but I want to fully embrace his back story. That sort of makes it ok.

But who am I kidding?

I know and I have said and he has even said, that this thing is something that makes his will weak.

I would not admit o that, but I now wonder about this here?

Akrasia?

Weakness of the will?

Akrasia?

I have my limits, my boundaries.

I know that there are so many women because I was one, who would actually be gald to know that they could skip the whole obligation. We go through such periods.

However, I also think that if he is honest, he should be completely open with her.

But then what?

Do I really want something more?



It has been very easy so far, because it has just been so very flirty.



But I must confront myself.

Calling myself names, playing Catholic guilt? Get off the neither here nor there cross.

I know all that.

But I still flirt?

Gad, am I addicted?
......until..

the latest

I have been wanting to write, but my computer is being fixed. I do not like using the larger machine in the library for correspondense where I want to get personal. But I just had to come here this afternoon. I need some me time.
My neice's behavior is such that I really need a breather from her. She is truely too much. If I even begin to write it all here, it shall become a long list of complaining and concerns that can stretch out and out for miles. So, I shall resist.
However, it now colors despite my intention, what else I wanted to write. So I shall stop for now and create a new entry.

Sometimes I wonder about the nature of my thoughts. I feel lately, from time to time a missing piece of my life. I would like to be in a relationship with someone, but I wonder when this shall actually happen? It is not as though I go out much. Not only that, I wonder too, how does someone who does not go out socially find someone who would meet her needs and desires?
It has been five years, and I admit that I am feeling a bit sad about wanting companionship. It is also odd, but I feel a bit embarrassed to admit this to myself. I am not sure why? Acting as though I do not need such a thing is equally absurd. I suppose that it is a failing in my personality. it may also be a large part of why I am not approached. I possibly may seem un-approachable?
To be starting all over again, I wonder what could be in store for me? Do I want the whole looking cute, anticipating what he may do and say? Getting to know the man and then slowly or not so slowly plunging in to something and someone new? I feel that doing so shall help me move forward  and away from anything that can make me look back,
I have not really moved forward with someone new. I have not had a relationship since my divorce.
I thought that I should make sense of my feelings here so that I could at least see it in black and white.
 Now that I am at my age and stage, I want to meet someone who is clear about what he is about, an evolved person, who meets me at a place where he wants happiness, fun and joy in his life.
My mother has a friend who met her present husband when she was divorced with two little children. He also had a child, and they are still together, thirty years on. He is a wonderful person. I know a few people like that. I think that that is beautiful. I feel that it is time for me to acknowledge that this is what I want for my child and I, a person who comes into my world, whole and lovely, optimistic, loving and just a great person. A man with whom I feel even better about life, love and the world because together we make so much sense. I am probably babbling now, but I just wanted to start a ball rolling on this. To sort of state what is in my heart.