A few days ago my neighbor and I went to a large mall to do a project. I had not wanted to go. It would take up time from important school work, and she has a tendency to get easily side tracked. But I had promised her, and so, I went. Well, after the prize giving, which was the project for her paper, we went to the food court. While there a very handsome and well built Indian guy came up to look at the pastry menu at the spot we chose. He was wearing one of those school tee shirts with the trademark and khaki shorts, very relaxed. I looked at him and chided him, half asking, half telling him that I hoped that he really went to Warton's.
We got into a lovely conversation right off the bat, and it felt completely easy with him. However, we were both dragged back to earth by the people around me and those around him. I did not even get to ask his name or to give him mine.
This is the second time in months that I have met a man who attracts me in such a way. So much so that last night I decided to actually fantasize about him. It was completely sinfully decadent and satisfying.
I could actually see the scenario unfold to perfection and I was quite impressed with how far and how detailed my mind can be. What I liked about doing what I did, fantasizing about someone I only spoke to for a short time, was that it showed me how far I have come. I can think about a possibility without restriction. So I want to write what I thought about here.
............
I was out, somewhere, perhaps the bank and I had just completed my business and as I went to turn to leave, securing my money in my purse, I literally bounced right into him again.
I started to say, oh, I'm so sorry, my hand had gone out to steady myself as I was turning and I felt his hard thigh against my hip. I looked up a bit flustered and came away smiling, as he instantly recognized me, as I did him.
What are you doing here? He asks me, and his infectious smile has me smiling back like a drooling school girl. I say, what one does at a bank, how are you? Your still here?
yes, he says, I don' t want to leave I told you.
You did tell me.
We look at each other for a moment, and I blush and look down at my bag and shove my ourselves at last into my bag.
Hey, he asks, as we clearly both have been to the bank, how about lunch?
I look at him and smile and I say, sure. That would be fine.
He puts out his hand to have me walk ahead of him, and we exit the bank. He has a rental car and I get into it. I am completely comfortable with him, and I am very beautifully dressed. He also looks as gorgeous as ever in another tight tee shirt and jeans that fit him very well and sandals.
As we drive off, I ask him where he would like to go, at the same time he asks me. We both laugh nervously and he looks at me again, with a deeply penetrating gaze. I suggest one thing and he suggests another. We drive down the Woodbrook strip and then he says, very impulsively, do you mind if I say something to you?
I give him a look of, I suppose?!
Can we just skip the formality for now. I would just like to make love to you.
I burst into a short giggle before I look him dead in the eyes and tell him that I was hoping that he would indeed move past formality.
He smiles back at me and as he heads towards The Marriote, he reassures me that he is never this forward, and I let him know that neither am I, but that somehow, this does not seem to me to be wrong or too soon.
He gives me a wistful look, his eyes smiling along with his lovely lips.
He finds a parking space, and we go into the hotel. He holds my hand, our first physical contact, and I feel no concern about anything.
We get into the elevator and we are still holding hands. We do not need to say anything, and as the doors open, he leads me down the corridor. He has the key to swipe the door and we have a moment of giggles as it gives him a moment or two to hear the click.
As the door opens, the room is perfectly warm and sophisticated. But I barely register this, because he takes me into his arms and kisses me so perfectly that my head spins.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Now
Feeling flu...eeee tonight and able to spend some time not thinking about school work or projects...although I did, I had a moment to get a gist of a future project that I would like to do. I had collected a number of images of women last carnival and tonight I saw them done on voille and other filmy materials, in plain white frames. Sometimes I would add a bit of color to define what they were wearing. From seeing these pieces on a white wall in my mind, I formed an idea for the work that I was supposed to do for Jouvert. I will also include a Performance for the show. I have not worked on my own stuff for quite some time, and I got very excited about what I imagined. I may even be able to start as soon as I feel better. I think that I have some netting already.
This is how I shall combat my dirty little demons. I will shore up my highest good. I shall be my cheering squad. I will be my lover and believer and muse and friend.I always have been anyway.
I will talk to myself when I am tired and want to believe that I am stupid and unable to stand on my own two feet, and I shall say....is that all you got? And plow through and do what makes me so damn amazing, because I know that I am amazing.
Before I met him, I was very self contained, but there was this little cancer growing in me telling me that who was I kidding, I could not make such a living with what I believed I wanted to be doing. For a very long time that even seemed to be true.
But guess what?I do not believe that bullshit for a minute anymore.
I am exactly the right person that I am meant to be AT&T is very time,and I will succeed.
This is how I shall combat my dirty little demons. I will shore up my highest good. I shall be my cheering squad. I will be my lover and believer and muse and friend.I always have been anyway.
I will talk to myself when I am tired and want to believe that I am stupid and unable to stand on my own two feet, and I shall say....is that all you got? And plow through and do what makes me so damn amazing, because I know that I am amazing.
Before I met him, I was very self contained, but there was this little cancer growing in me telling me that who was I kidding, I could not make such a living with what I believed I wanted to be doing. For a very long time that even seemed to be true.
But guess what?I do not believe that bullshit for a minute anymore.
I am exactly the right person that I am meant to be AT&T is very time,and I will succeed.
Finding out about myself
So often I think that I have taken way too long to get it.dealing with my ex husband today and hearing by the way about one of his brothers doing well, I felt a pang of sadness.when I bothered to probe my thoughts I realized that anything that bugs me is always about myself and about things that I secretly want for myself but have not accomplished as yet.
I felt as though my life was on standstill.
Now this is not true. But something in the comment that my ex said allegedly to our child about me, although I dealt with it at the time, it did carry a sting. He said that I was stupid.
Now this is simply his being very nasty. But it hurt my feelings anyway. There is still and possibly will always be some small part of me that has an insecurity about being liked.
As I looked at him today and felt all of the heaviness of hurt and regret, another side of me was being defiant, telling me, come on, can you really see yourself back with this person just because your daughter would like it to be so? But not only that, how can I even consider going back as a better place to be?I would be creating an extremely delicate illusion that would crumble at the first argument and painful insults hurled at me. No, I know that at was not it.
But then my red side stirred up and asked me whether I have been. Reluctant with my other ex because somehow I think that not giving completely to intimacy would somehow keep me in a place where I may harbor hope of some kind.
I flushed all of those dirty bastards out of my mind finally and confronted what I was really feeling......damn normal.
I was with this person for my entire adult life. It takes time to get through the loss of a living person who shared so much with you, not sharing this anymore. What do I expect?
And as far as not living my life, I have had these issues before I even met him. I have so,e serious fears that I have worked through in my life and I shall work through more and conquer them.
Letting cliches catch hold of me, when the right thing to do is to push through and get beyond the typical poor me feelings is what I will do.
It does not matter that he looks and acts successful and has all of the outward proof of it, and I am making small steps. They army steps! I own them. I am proud of myself and I have many things that I want to do for myself and for my daughter and the world at large.
That has always been how I got caught, thinking that someone else seems stronger and righter than me.
It helped to stay safe.....or so I thought.
Well no more.
I felt as though my life was on standstill.
Now this is not true. But something in the comment that my ex said allegedly to our child about me, although I dealt with it at the time, it did carry a sting. He said that I was stupid.
Now this is simply his being very nasty. But it hurt my feelings anyway. There is still and possibly will always be some small part of me that has an insecurity about being liked.
As I looked at him today and felt all of the heaviness of hurt and regret, another side of me was being defiant, telling me, come on, can you really see yourself back with this person just because your daughter would like it to be so? But not only that, how can I even consider going back as a better place to be?I would be creating an extremely delicate illusion that would crumble at the first argument and painful insults hurled at me. No, I know that at was not it.
But then my red side stirred up and asked me whether I have been. Reluctant with my other ex because somehow I think that not giving completely to intimacy would somehow keep me in a place where I may harbor hope of some kind.
I flushed all of those dirty bastards out of my mind finally and confronted what I was really feeling......damn normal.
I was with this person for my entire adult life. It takes time to get through the loss of a living person who shared so much with you, not sharing this anymore. What do I expect?
And as far as not living my life, I have had these issues before I even met him. I have so,e serious fears that I have worked through in my life and I shall work through more and conquer them.
Letting cliches catch hold of me, when the right thing to do is to push through and get beyond the typical poor me feelings is what I will do.
It does not matter that he looks and acts successful and has all of the outward proof of it, and I am making small steps. They army steps! I own them. I am proud of myself and I have many things that I want to do for myself and for my daughter and the world at large.
That has always been how I got caught, thinking that someone else seems stronger and righter than me.
It helped to stay safe.....or so I thought.
Well no more.
Musings 2
The business I am creating is based on all of the work that was done last year with the band. I am now looking at ways to continue that, and at ways to make it happen.
The work shall require the creation of a warehouse space eventually. I also want to have a small staff. What I need to do as well, it to look at other business models and compare and contrast myself against them. I know that there are some places here that are like my idea. One or two of them work all year long.
The second thing I must do is to know what I may need to learn. I certainly will over time have to buy materials and machinery. I would also like to train and put people to work.
The work shall require the creation of a warehouse space eventually. I also want to have a small staff. What I need to do as well, it to look at other business models and compare and contrast myself against them. I know that there are some places here that are like my idea. One or two of them work all year long.
The second thing I must do is to know what I may need to learn. I certainly will over time have to buy materials and machinery. I would also like to train and put people to work.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Musings
My class today was very good with Charan. It brought back an old memory to me. I asked myself the question, what do I think my life was supposed to look like today? I certainly never saw myself as a divorced mother of one living at home with my parents.
I realize now that I needed someone to tell me some things back then that I am only hearing now. One of these things was that i should not allow anyone to tell me what is best for me. I had to tell a student that just yesterday when she began to cry when something that she heard, she believed to be negative.
I did have this belief that I was passionate enough about what I wanted to do, but I had too many doubts. I think that I needed to have people around me who understood my ideas and visions. But then, I did believe enough in myself, it was just that I never seemed to feel that I had enough money or some other issue. I suppose everything in it's own good time.
That what it's are pointless. But I did think that I would have had the stability of a lovely home, ability ton travel and a husband with whom I was still very much in love, who supported my ideas and vision and had his own successes to boot. Someone I really liked and who made me feel very comfortable and secure within the union.
We would go on family vacations. I would have had one or perhaps two children much, much sooner, and they would be nearly grown themselves. I think that that was what was supposed to happen. He would have been liked by my whole family and we would have spent vacations at the relatives in Canada and New York, but we would also have enough money to travel with hotel accommodations made.
That was probably the life that I was supposed to have made for myself. I should have had some business where my name was relatively known, I keep to a slightly pretentious , upper middle class attitude of privilege, and had only friends like myself, further securing that attitude.
I would be getting out of my Land Rover, going to my home in the best part of the country, considering what else I could do to keep myself well toned. I'd be happy, but wonder what life would be like if I had taken some risks.
......... It was interesting to do that exercise, somehow do not feel a particular attachment to that what if, as though I would have liked to have had it. Even though much of my present goals may be inside there somewhere.
I am here in the present. I have the chance to make the life I want to make now. I am not interested in a what if?
It's the where am I going now that interests me. Can I get an amen!
I realize now that I needed someone to tell me some things back then that I am only hearing now. One of these things was that i should not allow anyone to tell me what is best for me. I had to tell a student that just yesterday when she began to cry when something that she heard, she believed to be negative.
I did have this belief that I was passionate enough about what I wanted to do, but I had too many doubts. I think that I needed to have people around me who understood my ideas and visions. But then, I did believe enough in myself, it was just that I never seemed to feel that I had enough money or some other issue. I suppose everything in it's own good time.
That what it's are pointless. But I did think that I would have had the stability of a lovely home, ability ton travel and a husband with whom I was still very much in love, who supported my ideas and vision and had his own successes to boot. Someone I really liked and who made me feel very comfortable and secure within the union.
We would go on family vacations. I would have had one or perhaps two children much, much sooner, and they would be nearly grown themselves. I think that that was what was supposed to happen. He would have been liked by my whole family and we would have spent vacations at the relatives in Canada and New York, but we would also have enough money to travel with hotel accommodations made.
That was probably the life that I was supposed to have made for myself. I should have had some business where my name was relatively known, I keep to a slightly pretentious , upper middle class attitude of privilege, and had only friends like myself, further securing that attitude.
I would be getting out of my Land Rover, going to my home in the best part of the country, considering what else I could do to keep myself well toned. I'd be happy, but wonder what life would be like if I had taken some risks.
......... It was interesting to do that exercise, somehow do not feel a particular attachment to that what if, as though I would have liked to have had it. Even though much of my present goals may be inside there somewhere.
I am here in the present. I have the chance to make the life I want to make now. I am not interested in a what if?
It's the where am I going now that interests me. Can I get an amen!
Friday, February 10, 2012
Sensual two
One of the things I had to ask myself about feeling so sensual today, was whether I was re ing these things authentically? Was I getting blocked on my ex husband again? Part of the exercise in the car was of me imagining him taking me to a hotel that he had taken me to once many years ago. The whole scenario for me was of him acting in the present. So we looked as we do now and we were wearing what we both had on today. I watched the whole scene unfold in my mind, and I realized that what I was actually doing was observing a cleansing.
In our last two years together I felt completely rejected, the toughest part was the feeling of sexual rejection. It truly played with my feelings. I had to work very hard to not take it personally. But I did not always succeed. I internalized it. I know it. And this is why I seem to pull back with any man who shows interest, and there are four men who have shown interest. They are all living abroad except for my other ex, who is married. So, I have chosen what may be seen as safe men. Men who really cannot commit to me or me to them.
That aside, I saw my ex husband and I in that lovely hotel room, and we were both awkward for a moment and then got right into the familiar in a way that was heavily erotic to watch in my minds eye.
He apologized and I apologized and we cried and held each other and we definitely fucked over and over again, and I realized that. I have been holding back and burying how much I have had to just give up all of that. We had so much together and I had to literally take an axe to all of my feelings and bury them down deep. I remember the hardest thing was burying my missing intimacy with him. That made me feel like I was going a bit crazy for the missing it.
Confronting it today and then acknowledging to myself that I deserved to play out in my head the sort of possible closure I could get from a fantasy, seemed to me a very healthy thing to do.
In our last two years together I felt completely rejected, the toughest part was the feeling of sexual rejection. It truly played with my feelings. I had to work very hard to not take it personally. But I did not always succeed. I internalized it. I know it. And this is why I seem to pull back with any man who shows interest, and there are four men who have shown interest. They are all living abroad except for my other ex, who is married. So, I have chosen what may be seen as safe men. Men who really cannot commit to me or me to them.
That aside, I saw my ex husband and I in that lovely hotel room, and we were both awkward for a moment and then got right into the familiar in a way that was heavily erotic to watch in my minds eye.
He apologized and I apologized and we cried and held each other and we definitely fucked over and over again, and I realized that. I have been holding back and burying how much I have had to just give up all of that. We had so much together and I had to literally take an axe to all of my feelings and bury them down deep. I remember the hardest thing was burying my missing intimacy with him. That made me feel like I was going a bit crazy for the missing it.
Confronting it today and then acknowledging to myself that I deserved to play out in my head the sort of possible closure I could get from a fantasy, seemed to me a very healthy thing to do.
Sensual times
This morning I got into the car with my ex husband because I had to go to his office and then later in the afternoon he had made an appointment for us to see then psychologist whom we had seen a few years ago. The reason we were going to see her again, was because of the nature in which he has been proceeding of late with information that he gives me.
I got in the car and yet again, as we got away from the house, he cAsually let's slip that the appointment is cancelled. Naturally I got upset with him, and this made our daughter upset. She thought that we were quarreling, and she said so.
After she was dropped to school, he realized that he had go back to his house to get the computer that he forgot, so, on top of everything else we were now running late.
It was at this time that I did something unexpected, I apologized and said to him that it is unfortunately common that I react to his mood, and that I have done so because of how long we were in a relationship. I told him that I would
now promise him that I would become more conscious of this and not loose myself in his mood. His mood is his responsibility.
after I said that, I calmed right down and actually felt much, much better.
On our way back from picking up his MacBook pro, he was playing the usual pleasant music, including adele's Nevermind. I decided to rest my eyes.
Then I began to get very relaxed indeed and some wild thoughts started to jump into my head.
I recalled our life together. Particularly our sex life. I allowed myself to follow wherenthese thoughts were going. I am not dismissive of thesenthings any more, as doing this helped me overcome a sense of intimidation that I once had over someone who is my lecturer now. It was very helpful somehow myself at the time to imagine him sexually. Once I did that, I never felt that intimidation again.
So, I thought of just turning to him and asking him to consider us just leaving the office early and going somewhere to fuck each others brains out. It was almost funny to be feeling these things so close to him with him none the wiser.
I remembered all of the things we used to do and to enjoy together. It got me a tiny bit sad, but it also made me feel a combination of arousal and happiness too.
When we got to the office, we got right down to work and my impulses were goading me to go up to his ear as he bent his head in his work and tell him very breathily that I would always love him.
I almost laughed at the prospect of doing this, because my mind ran ahead to the possible reactions to such an extremely left field decision.
Naturally I ignored my impulse.
These feelings kept me feeling as though I was on a mental and physical high all day. I am not sure what an artificial high is like, never having had one, but I would assume that it might be similar to what I was feeling. I continued to think about him sensually, and this made me act from a place of quiet. So I was very soft spoken and sweet with him all day, and this actually made him polite to me.
So that was rather amusing as well.
Last night I was having a completely different experience, when my other ex made me aware that I could literally have him every day. For the first time I relaxed into his chest as we talked. Although we have a certain routine, I am fully conscious of the fact that I hold something back. But last night, I let something go a bit.
So this morning when I began to think of what I was experiencing with this other ex, I knew that it was a worthy issue for this diary.
It also reminded me of a conversation with my darling partner. He had asked me about this sexuality of mine, and We both said that I should use it. But at the time, I was afraid of it. Now though, I see that I cannot skirt around it. It is part of who I am. So what is it?
I am naturally sensual, naturally sexy. This is obvious to people who encounter me.
It does not impede me from my work or from having friends and aqua NRA CDs. I do not exploit it. It is just an underpinning to myself. Occasionally, when I am in a sensual mood, I must be guarded, because people who are aware of it, get drawn in whether they p,an to or not, and I mean nothing by it.
The man who is actually ready to engage me would be in for a treat.
Last week at The mall, I had an example of that. A handsome gentleman with very well kept dreadlocks came up to me and stood before me at one of the kiosks. I had seen him earlier at a fast food place. So he said to me,
"so, we went to Wendy's and we went to the mall. Where are we going next?" and without skipping a beat, I casually replied,"the appropriate answer should be, home with you."
fuck me! If I were a man on the prowl, I would feel that directly in my groin. I don't know that he found that forward, but I was surprised at my own reply.
This is going rather long. I think that I should write this in two parts.
I got in the car and yet again, as we got away from the house, he cAsually let's slip that the appointment is cancelled. Naturally I got upset with him, and this made our daughter upset. She thought that we were quarreling, and she said so.
After she was dropped to school, he realized that he had go back to his house to get the computer that he forgot, so, on top of everything else we were now running late.
It was at this time that I did something unexpected, I apologized and said to him that it is unfortunately common that I react to his mood, and that I have done so because of how long we were in a relationship. I told him that I would
now promise him that I would become more conscious of this and not loose myself in his mood. His mood is his responsibility.
after I said that, I calmed right down and actually felt much, much better.
On our way back from picking up his MacBook pro, he was playing the usual pleasant music, including adele's Nevermind. I decided to rest my eyes.
Then I began to get very relaxed indeed and some wild thoughts started to jump into my head.
I recalled our life together. Particularly our sex life. I allowed myself to follow wherenthese thoughts were going. I am not dismissive of thesenthings any more, as doing this helped me overcome a sense of intimidation that I once had over someone who is my lecturer now. It was very helpful somehow myself at the time to imagine him sexually. Once I did that, I never felt that intimidation again.
So, I thought of just turning to him and asking him to consider us just leaving the office early and going somewhere to fuck each others brains out. It was almost funny to be feeling these things so close to him with him none the wiser.
I remembered all of the things we used to do and to enjoy together. It got me a tiny bit sad, but it also made me feel a combination of arousal and happiness too.
When we got to the office, we got right down to work and my impulses were goading me to go up to his ear as he bent his head in his work and tell him very breathily that I would always love him.
I almost laughed at the prospect of doing this, because my mind ran ahead to the possible reactions to such an extremely left field decision.
Naturally I ignored my impulse.
These feelings kept me feeling as though I was on a mental and physical high all day. I am not sure what an artificial high is like, never having had one, but I would assume that it might be similar to what I was feeling. I continued to think about him sensually, and this made me act from a place of quiet. So I was very soft spoken and sweet with him all day, and this actually made him polite to me.
So that was rather amusing as well.
Last night I was having a completely different experience, when my other ex made me aware that I could literally have him every day. For the first time I relaxed into his chest as we talked. Although we have a certain routine, I am fully conscious of the fact that I hold something back. But last night, I let something go a bit.
So this morning when I began to think of what I was experiencing with this other ex, I knew that it was a worthy issue for this diary.
It also reminded me of a conversation with my darling partner. He had asked me about this sexuality of mine, and We both said that I should use it. But at the time, I was afraid of it. Now though, I see that I cannot skirt around it. It is part of who I am. So what is it?
I am naturally sensual, naturally sexy. This is obvious to people who encounter me.
It does not impede me from my work or from having friends and aqua NRA CDs. I do not exploit it. It is just an underpinning to myself. Occasionally, when I am in a sensual mood, I must be guarded, because people who are aware of it, get drawn in whether they p,an to or not, and I mean nothing by it.
The man who is actually ready to engage me would be in for a treat.
Last week at The mall, I had an example of that. A handsome gentleman with very well kept dreadlocks came up to me and stood before me at one of the kiosks. I had seen him earlier at a fast food place. So he said to me,
"so, we went to Wendy's and we went to the mall. Where are we going next?" and without skipping a beat, I casually replied,"the appropriate answer should be, home with you."
fuck me! If I were a man on the prowl, I would feel that directly in my groin. I don't know that he found that forward, but I was surprised at my own reply.
This is going rather long. I think that I should write this in two parts.
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