Introspection

Some things can only be learned in the moment. At court yesterday I realized that I was focusing on so many small details over the years, and that the law really does not care about any of that.i have never really been given any sound representation from my lawyers. It has taken looking at television court shows that have provided me with real guidance. I know that all of that sounds pretty strange. So, what have they been doing all of these years? I have been in reaction mode. He has always sent me an affidavit. Ill ways have been reacting to what he has written. When you know more, you can act accordingly.

Now it's said, let me now reach for what is mine. First of all, I must know that I am just as deserving as everyone else I convince deserve the best. My list has been written a long time ago, and I know that it is reasonable, do-able and non evasive to others and no less than what all people want as a matter of course. Yadda,yadda,yadda. Now, to get out of my own way. ..................... First of all, confront fear. It isn't real when you want to move forward and break down walls that always freeze you. The point is to go forward...press forward, know that mistakes will be made.

I have been so focused on things outside my own abilities as somehow superior, that until I started reading the first line of a short story, I remembered that I can look at things according to my own history. I have had so many business plans. Some never get further than paper. But all of them get mental vetting. So, at the beginning of this story, I thought about my dear friend, the one who started his own business and has a staff of five in a lovely area. He also has a wonderful boyfriend whose job is equally fabulous. That reminded me of my own love.It now seems like I have to think way, way back to recall all of that, but I definitely had that. All of that is so lovely and so wonderful. I have had challenges with what I want. I am so pesky with myself, I can only imagine how much I frustrate others. So,anyway,I have gone back and forth about what I can do...always feeling great doubt about my abilities. But yet, equally, I have done things. But my criticism has always been, choose, come on, choose and stick to it. I have stuck to many things, but I have also kept asking, what do I want? What do I believe in? I am all over the place...but I understand why. I am just all,over the place because I do that when I really want to write about the things that made me feel wonderful,but I am nervous about it. The very thing that will make me happy, I fear because it always has felt to me like shoe dropping.So,I have to stop being so anxious of my own life. .........there is so much in the mutual attraction and decision to be together. Then, you enjoy the future plans you make. It is just a great feeling...you feel good about your choices and it feels like an investment well chosen. So ...guess what, you do not realize it, but things are always for sale, and the ego, well, it has been in circulation from the moment you negotiate your first gratification.............. So here it is now. I say to myself and sometimes, not even to myself, I just acknowledge it with my eyes over magazine layouts. Perhaps, I hesitate as well,because it runs into responsibility that I have no idea about and worry that it shall still be a shoe drop. But I would just have to get over that. How silly is that? When I think about it, why fear joy because like life, things change when you least expect it? The point is that when life hurts, you need those good times to hold onto. Constant bad times is so very Catholic guilt! Lol. How is denying yourself joy helping one way or the other? This point must be flushed from the system at all cost! Wherever or whenever it was learned, it must be un-learned.

...and by the way...

The silly name I was trying to remember before was The Towers.mi had not written about him in ages! Then, tonight, after so long, Frequent Flyer and I had a long Skype chat. I took the opportunity to tell him point blank that I have deliberately avoided him for my own self preservation. He chose not to touch that, but he did eat up for what he sees as our friendship. What was good tonight was that I was speaking from my place of comfort for me, and what I think is best for myself as my priority. He may want to think whatever he is going to, including nothing at all. That is not my business.

Feelings

Something was challenging me. Again, it was associating with the NGO and trying to make a go of a better relationship with he whose name I cannot remember what I called him...lol. Anyway, I tried to rationalize so many things that I was feeling. He contacted me, he kept up an online relationship with me, and after searching my feelings, I felt that after we met, it might have made sense to see whether I could make a go at a relationship with him. After the first expereince, I found myself already conflicted about what it meant and it did not take me much more time to cut off any romantic beliefs about he and I. But my feelings were unsettled about having so much in common, and yet, having this one thing that was just not right. In my logic, I wanted to salvage something of it, and he wanted business as usual. To me that was easy to ignore, and a chance at friendship seemed fitting. Things were going well, and we even had a bit of fun, with me making it very clear. That real romance would not happen again. Then, one conversation got me to see a side of him that led me to conclude that yet again, I may have wanted to see what I wanted to see, and who he is, I do not really know, and when I state that,I mean yet again, he seems to create in me an awareness of what I refuse to tolerate, and I do not need to experience many things escalating to know what makes me comfortable and what will not work for me. So, I have to be thankful for that. He is a soulmate. To me, he sent mixed signals about an "us." Then, he reached out to me wanting to become a "true friend" I cannot help but look at myself as well. I have to know whether I attract " what I am" am I unable and unwilling to be a friend, a girlfriend, a business partner and now, unable to simply move past apology? All of that may be so, but it is also part of something more important to me. I as I wrote, am feeling many things, and I am taking the time now to get to know myself better, and this means acknowledging that my growth requires seeing sides that I have always kept at bay. To please others. I felt that that was the only way to be. I feel that I need to confront this now. ...................................................................... I claim in all that I write that I want romance, intimacy etc...yet, I have attracted the opposite. So clearly, I have to ask myself what is it that I cannot move past? Hurt is harder to move past than I thought. While life is going on, it is easy to mask hurts. I thought that I was somewhat healing. But acts actually prove whether that is so. I am hurting. Still...which means that I probably expect fairytale outcomes now...things to be over, things to be so much better that I could feel that I have moved past what felt like deep emotional blows. What do you do when you receive bruises? You wait for healing. I thought that by now I would be able to say that I have moved on. But romantically, I have not really been able to. I have punished myself in some way....and this comes from feeling completely rejected by someone I loved so completely. How could they just arbitrarily change their mind like that? How could they just switch off like that? Well, this was not new behavior, you know he used threats as leverage...and as love. This is not about me. This is about being the victim of a bully. That's all it was...and it hurts, STILL? What's bad with a bully as parent or lover, it fucks up your mind. That person is supposed to protect you, not cause you to have to protect yourself. The child in you needs to know that it is not your fault. ............................................................................................ How do you move forward? You just do. You want pretty normal things. You want to have your friendship, your honesty, love, commitment...obvious things, really. So, the bullies victim must build self worthiness. It is way more important to remember who came first for yourself.....TOU. ............................................................................................ Your mind tells you to trust again, and perhaps others let you down. They have their own demons. The petulant child wants a reward. Will I ever find love again? Did I ever even have it? ............................................................................................. I tire of doubt and pretense. I am tired. I have learned that some things are not complicated. They just aren't. So, with that known, getting over this, is one that I have to be consciously knowing I can achieve...and I must clue myself into the fact that I do. It have to expect remoteness to be my future.

I read somewhere once that the biggest cause of grief is comparing yourself to others. I understand that fully tonight. My child tells me, when I am trying all sorts of pep talk to get some sort of compliance from her that I am trying to change or criticize her, and I know that in a way, she is right. On so many levels, I feel that she is doing exactly what she needs to do to be who she is, and that I and so many others like me, stifle who she and her generation shall become by placing labels on what they will come to know as possible. But moreso tonight, the understanding is about me. I caught myself thinking about my ex and got into a monologue as I always do in my mind about a conversation I would like to have with him, if only we could get along. Last week I did very well. I concluded that I have to accept that he would treat anyone else as he treats me and that I am nothing special in the bad treatment department, it is who he is. Now, I can add to that and say that, here I go again, being chained up by the belief that things MUST have some sort of order or pattern to work, and that is simply putting myself into another habit that will lead to frustration. There is nothing wrong with ambition, challenging yourself etc....but this is not about that. This is about wanting to control something that there is no way to do. I have felt soooooooooooo many leagues better since I just finally put down the gigantic weight of feeling that everything my ex did somehow was a stain on me, and my character was somehow impugned. He is really worse than voodoo, because I have let his words determine my progress. I woke up a few days ago resolute in the knowledge that this birthday coming soon,and right now, and every now, is an opportunity to start following the very BEST me, all of the time. Listen to my own plans and dreams, hopes and expectations in the knowledge firm knowledge that I will succeed because there is nothing else but success that I see.

How it goes

Sometimes I think that too much is going on for me to ever see my life from a better place. The more I try, the more things challenge my best intentions. Now written, I feel a bit better for having stated that. It does not feel as challenging. What it is, is the overwhelming sense that I get sometimes that nothing is giving in my life. There sometimes feels like there is no corner for adult joys. There is nothing that I am doing for myself that sets a moment apart where I am induging myself in something just for me. Lately I have been going back and forth on my feelings for my ex- husband. I lament from time to time. It isn't that unusual, after all, I was with him for two decades. I sometimes feel tired, wary, hurt still! Still reeling from how much more effort he seems to put into disliking me than he'd ever put into liking me. But that is a bit of an illusion. He has done this to both of his parents as well,so I am actually in an elite club. I miss him sometimes. And by miss, I mean the person that got me to love them. I miss that guy. Our child does not know that guy, I don't think. He only projects some of that person to her. Again, it makes me feel wary to think about that. I need distance from these feelings....but I wanted to at least not this down.