I am finding out more and more that for some things I feel socially awkward. I am not too different from my mother who is always busy doing so many things, and I criticize this way of being because it means that some things just do not get done. Yet, I am falling into that pattern again, trying to burn my candle from every end. In my instance it is because so many things interest me, and I want to get them done. But this is about my feeling unusual or finicky with some aspects f my life. Enough time has passed for me to be able to say that I would really like to be able to go at my own pace and not feel that I have to do this or that because it is what I should be doing according to some unseen dictate. I do not think that I come across as though I do, but still, I feel that way at times. Then there is the matter of feeling tired, missing the people in my life whom I felt closest to, and finding that there is just no substitute for them. I have made new friends, but I have not felt that I can be completely myself with them. Everyone who hs come into my life in the last decade are acquaintances, colleagues...not real, real friends. PerhapsI have been stand-offish? I am out of sorts tonight. Some sleep till be my tonic, I know. Yet, amidst all of my belly aching, I have promised myself something much more important and that is to nurture my best thoughts and that is what I will and must do.

I have come a long way. When I think back to the amount of energy I dispelled toward men,I cringe. I feel as though I made my life revolve around them. As I have deliberately worked on a few things this year, leading me here, I am so satisfied with myself now that I can see with confidence that I have put all of those dead thoughts behind me. I did it by doing much soul searching and real hard mental work. I started by understanding that I had a tendency to get into a lot of negative self talk that would go on and on. I knew that my ego was the culprit. I began filling my thoughts with new experiences and new information. The more vivid, the better. Then I began being more open to what I was listening to and picking up on the unsaid with greater awareness of what it meant. I also began to notice that my desires changed. I began to remember mown needs and my own goals as something to put first. Those small adjustments have gone a long way to helping me move forward in a way that I should. I presently have been going to bed and waking up with my mind ONLY on what I would like to experience in my life, particularly where my next steps need to be regarding my career. I am now planning on following that up with more allowances for 'new' sensations about seeing myself achieving the things I want to achieve. ....................................... I am thinking of getting married this year on my birthday.It shall be a very important experience for me, because my thought is to marry myself. I shall be looking for a ring, and I have decided to write myself some vows-: I promise to love myself and be kinder and gentler to myself. I promise to take care of my mind, heart and spirit with good things...so within so without. I promise to listen to my body and my minds needs and to take my temperature at all times, not to be dogmatic, but to hold myself to account for my actions, as I endeavor to respond to things in my life from a place of balance. I promise to forgive myself for my transgressions without hateful, negative self talk. Above all, I love myself because I am. ..................................... A mountain top shall do, or any space that is wide and pristine would suit me. I would make myself something simple, yet special. I would invite those closest to me to share in my marriage. I would have a small, intimate reception where I would encourage my guests to embrace love and loving themselves as well. I would have a Nun at my ceremony. ..................................... I am considering this very seriously, particularly because, after all that I have been through, it seems that that is what has been missing in my life. I believe that my symbolic act shall bring me great personal satisfaction and alignment. By doing this for myself and no one else, I would be declaring myself as independent and free to really be me. .....................................

Pure

There was a point where I had a hard time reconciling whether my life would mean anything without certain things that I saw as symbols of success and happiness. But lately,with patience and a greater awareness of other ways of seeing, I know that i was boxing myself in. Also, part of my brief system had a lot to do with my experiences and the environment. I now have a completely different view on what was once a conundrum. Now I see the opportunity to make of my life whatever I choose to make of it. I do not have to fit in...hell, I never fit in anyway, so to have had this stump me is truly odd of me. I recall several years ago when a favorite tree in Ellerslie was cut down, I felt bereft. It has also happened with a few historical landmarked houses as well. One day they are here, and like no bodies business, gone the next. That helped put into perspective my nostalgia. Last week, The Towers invited me to his second home in the hight of The Valley. It was an amazing experience. For the first time I chose to suspend any expectations and enjoy being in the moment. He seemed to feel the same way because everything was easy going with o pressure whatsoever. I was so grateful for that. But more importantly, because for once it felt like two friends enjoying the environment, I felt completely liberated and more so,mentally free. It got me to thinking that that is a big part of being successful in life...letting go of expectations and allowing things to unfold naturally. Of course their are times when only a hustle or determination can move things to their expected progress. The opportunity to shake the cobwebs out of my head and to enjoy pure air and spring water did me a world of good.

Fear,fear,fear

Confronting what frightens me is so important to do.I have had some issues that have stumped me in ways that have made me feel incapable of acting. In the end, a decision was always called for. Sometimes the issue turned into slow going. But they eventually came to an end. Going through the whole thing felt like agony. But there was no giggle room towards the solution. Now, I feel differently about the unknown. The unknown is out there...it is always a series of variables that have to be looked at. My poison has seemed to be about money. I have felt so many times an impotence brought upon by situations beyond my control and recently, someone wanting to make my life difficult, quite deliberately to advance themselves. I do not want to feel dazzled by this issue anymore. I choose to think my way out of this illusion once and for all. A fear, any fear can be paralyzing. Mine certainly felt that way. I would put effort into solving the dilemna I was facing. I would give it the good old try, and then bam, I would feel like someone or a whole universe seemed to be conspiring to make certain that my one step forward would be preceded by eleven steps back. Many times, I took it on the chin, or shrugged off the situation. I didn't want to believe that what was happening was possible. Surely, a bit of positive thinking, a good nights sleep...a new strategy...a knocking down and a new plan would help me? Surely?!? The conclusion that I come to now is based on looking at the way other people I know handle their poison. I have observed what we have in common. A big thing we have is the mythologizing of the problem. It is almost romantic, stating the issue in bold parentheses.We speak about the poison enough to have the answer inside the problem, laying nakedly out in the open...yet, somehow, we are completely blind to the answer? Why? Sometimes the answer is something we just do not want to hear or to do. The answer may be to leave the situation. But we are unwilling to start all over again. Sometimes the answer is to start afresh with no hindrance from the people who assisted in the creation of the problem to begin with. But, again, that sounds impossible...we are too old, too set in our ways...we see no way for this to work without pain. The known is safer than the unknown. Sometimes, the point is t yank off the plaster, set yourself a task, take one tentative step, then take another and plan for the next step and don't look back. Keep taking the steps. yes, your cold sweating. Yes, you feel faint and nauseous. Yes, you want to scream. Take the step anyway. That is how I see things now. Take the step...the alternative is not worth the risk.

Confidence

There is nothing like having the right information at your disposal to make decisions. There is nothing like turning around old ways of thinking when you can think critically on a matter and realize that the only thing you got wrong was that your thoughts were outmoded. There is nothing like seeing that whatever it is you can dream is more than just possible. It is a wonderful thing when you come to the realization that you don't have to listen to anyone with their tales of woe and fear as the only way. I spend a great deal of time establishing a sense of confidence in others. Sometimes when I am speaking, I would like to hear myself saying it back to me, so that I can go out into the world feeling as stoked as I know I have just made others feel. I have been a product of my own mis-conceptions about life and about people. I have had to accept my own past ways of seeing and thinking for what they are.Once you stop asking permission and start following your own dreams and yearnings...when you start knowing that there is nothing wrong in taking your own temperature, and going with your hunches and speaking out when you don't feel that that something serves you....the power behind that is amazing! When finally you can say without flinching or fawning that you know what...I want to experience this, this and this. I don't want to experience that. Also, when you can say to yourself, you know what...this is how I want to do this...and some of it may work and you may make a slip up on the way, but you still make a decision and press on...now that is golden. Every step I make where I am making it for my good, is a great step forward.

delight, delovely

Some friends I know are on the radio now, speaking about business and Art. This ends a week of so many yummy talks and lots and lots of looking at work of all types. Some of the work has been my own. I was tempted to go buy some materials this afternoon. But I held back, because I have real, serious stuff to complete for a deadline. But, what I shall do shall be quick sketches. In the past I have been dismayed when Friday comes around and I have not achieved anything creative . But only this week, I realized that I am always thinking of making and doing, and I am now giving myself the opportunity to start things...no matter what, start my things. I am eyeing the dining room table or this table that I use like its my home. I spend a great deal of time at it. Instead of being concerned, I am very excited that everything shall happen in time.

Over the last few days some things have happened so quickly that I have not really been able to table some time just to focus my thoughts. One of the things is confronting my over sentimentality. I ruminate on things sometimes, it's not a bad thing, but it does keep me in place at times. Now that I am looking at it more critically, I think that I should set some parameters about how long I should stew on something that I am feeling. That sounds a bit odd here, I know, because in some ways, how can logic transcend the need to heal from something? Equally though, how long is it healthy to go over and over certain things in ones mind? I think I spent at least fifteen years with Frequent Flyer somewhere in my heart, holding a torch for him. It is so easy to feel disgust with myself. If I look at it baldly, I can state that part of my reason for doing this was because it felt safe to do so. It did not cost me anything to indulge a bit of flirtation. So it lasted on and on, and as I always write, I thank someone who snapped me out of it about five years ago. But it took what happened last year to drive the message home. Then, yesterday, speaking to The Towers, one moment we were communicating, the next, he sounded eerily like my ex-husband. It scared the shit out of me! I got the creeps! It woke me the fuck up! What the hell am I manifesting? Why is this happening? Questions started pouring into my consciousness at rapid speed. I needed to distance myself as fast as I could. Now, I have written here that I have missed my ex-husband at times. However, there is a great deal that I certainly do not miss...and I know for a fact, that the only way in hell that I would ever consider getting back with him, is if he changed so dramatically that I was changed by it as well. That sort of thing only happens in novels. The first argument we would have would break me. It would be hard to allow any old patterns, even with promises to work on it. I see that that would be the case when I interact with him now, and I hear myself speak. Perhaps one day soon I might write about that specifically, because now that I know that I attracted my ex-husband AGAIN, I am very challenged by that. I assume that "you attract what you are"so, I am...aggressive,power driven,emotionally stunted, socially awkward,selfish and callous?!? Waw! That's a lot of negatives. Those traits loom to the fore that I take issue with. So, according to the law of attraction, I attract what I observe most, and I attract what I am, that is why I am repelled by it. That is hard to swallow, so I shall take these bitter pills one at a time. I have had issues with control. I do want to control my life. I can be passive/aggressive. I don't believe that I am emotionally stunted, I find that I feel empathy acutely for others. But, ok, I may be stunted in the area of giving myself emotionally to any man I have encountered after my divorce. I am closed off. That is true. I do not give of myself, not really. I am selfish in that way. Am I callous? Again, also, perhaps I am. I got involved with my ex boyfriend and arrogance led me down that path. I genuinely felt that it would be harmless...a fatal mistake. I did not invest myself emotionally, but he did. I don't know why I ever thought he would not. On the outside, I would never peg myself as all of those things. I don't look that way. But that does not men that I do not have a hard edge. I have always said that I do not want to show the other side of me, because she is damn cold and can be brutal. I now suppose that, if I did not show her, she would manifest anyway. It sounds like I am Schizophrenic, and perhaps I am? As I write, I see that embracing all facets of myself are necessary for my going forward. Attracting more of something I do not enjoy has never been my intention for myself. Yet, this is reality. Nothing is always 100% one way or another way. Everything is about variety. If I want love, I must love. If I want softness, I must display it and so on. I had to systematically become chaos, go through men...discombobulate myself where I didn't like me. I acted against character in order to grow and it was damn scary. I spent so many decades being just a good straight and narrow girl. it felt fucking awful to go against type. I was most fearful of being disliked! Not being able to fix what I broke. It has been damn hard not to feel constant guilt about what I see myself as now. Yet, I know that it is for my best. I have to shift and risk to grow stronger and to achieve the things that I really do want, and I have to do it because good girl kept me pale, pastel, watery....I couldn't find myself there. I was dying every single day by being everything for everyone else. I have written this now, so I can work with this. No more men to distract me from the essence of why they were repeating themselves in my life. I can down the weapons now. I shall continue to write and update myself on my work on this. But for now, I am damn grateful. i have passed a very serious test and I am very glad that I can see beyond what i thought were possibilities to truly something dynamically better...finding myself.