There are times when I have definitely felt as though life was going by without my input, and I must state here that I have also spent a great deal of time thinking that that was a bad thing. It's funny, but being indifferent and allowing life to unfold is a very spiritual choice. Yet, I have felt that somehow, it means that I have been failing in some way. I certainly felt that way when it came to my ex husband a few days ago, where I started to have a conversation with him about our child's future learning opportunities, and all he did was remind me of the court orders. I was so crestfallen! I felt as though nothing I have tried to do has made even a slight dent in his mind. I am also very, very tired of having to go through his mother to get to him. i thought when he was ill last week-end, it would give both of us the opportunity to see how fragile life is. But truthfully, he has not ever had that sensitivity. I was so hurt that I decided yet again to have nothing to do with him, and to focus only on the time that I have access to our child. I have always felt that he wastes time, and time is such a valuable thing. I think that I need to just give myself a moment to lament that and move on.

When I do not write for some time,it is always because I have some issue getting into my blog. It can be frustrating. But tonight, I have been able to, and it is a cold, wet night, perfect for curling up in your bed under your quilt. My ex is under his with a bad cold, and I am concerned about him. It is crappy when you feel something for someone, and in my instance concern, regard...they have never gone away, even if I thought that I had buried them. I was at his home last week, and he was as unsociable as he has always been. I was in a very different state of mind then. It seemed to me that my very presence irked him and I had to express my annoyance about it to him. We are in such a delicate place, he and I. We have been through a great deal, and I am still chafing from it. Yet, we are now at a place where the focus is on our darling child. But it is still not actually there yet. We have much to do. I come to my blog tonight because of my mixed feelings. I need to know what I want and what challenges my ability to achieve what I ultimately want. For many years I would say that I wanted civility from him. In a way, i have finally gotten that. But in other ways, I have not gotten that from him, because it is quite superficial sometimes. One moment he seems like he can be cordial, and the next, he's being a complete ass. i have to accept that, and I have, but so often, I just want to throw i the towel, becauseI feel as though all of my effort accounts to nothing. But now that he is not feeling well, I feel really sorry for him. he needs some tender loving care, and I can see that despite how he comes across, he is someone still keeping a lot in. This is not my problem, and he does not imbue in me the ability or desire to want to reach out, because when i do, I am rejected....that it simply frustrates. Tonight though, I would say that I can separate my feelings a bit and state that I will talk to him about some of my concerns. ...... Why is it so hard for me to let my feelings follow a certain pathway sometimes? I am going to try to do it now. ...... Everyone getting along...how nice that would be. Calling on the phone without an attitude...easy conversations between rivals...visits, very comfortable meetings...Then, between he and I, the same. Conversations and meetings are easy for both of us. Awkwardness is gone. I actually feel that we are achieving something good. It does not have to be romantic. It has to be mutual. Just writing that make me feel lighter. Imagine I do not dare write something so simple because of the experiences I have had over three decades. How good it would feel to be able to catch his eye, smile and laugh from a genuine place. To be friends. What a relief it would be to me. ....... What's wrong with putting that out there? Imagine holding back from something that would bring so much joy. I am glad that I took the time to do it.

watch yourself

A friend of mine contacted me with a job that I can't do because I am almost at the end of a deadline that I cannot break for the task in question. So i put him on to three different people. Only one came up to scratch. The other two, who happen to be female, completely flaked. I was disappointed in both of them, because I chose them ahead of the guy who showed the most enthusiasm. More and more, I am seeing that there are people I come into contact with who complain, and complain bitterly about the way life has treated them. They say, if only I had this, or, everyone is so unprofessional...and then, when I spend more time knowing them, I can see as plain as day that the very thing that they complain about, they embody. Right now, I take that as an opportunity to check my own temperature. It is very easy to complain. A few years ago I read in Science of Mind that complaining is a form of learned helplessness. The worst thing about it is that it is easy and it prevents you from solving whatever the issue is. Instead, the goal at hand is to vent, and to vent to anyone who would listen. Once vented, it is cast aside. It is actually a highly selfish act. Instead, I am interested in action...in purpose. There are a number of things that I am very keen to see happen, and I no longer need to share it with others. If and when I do share it, it is with those who can assist in making the thing happen. There is no time like the present to act. Act now, act from where you are. Just know that the point is to DO. This is paraphrased from the great Tennis star, Arther Ashe. ...... I recently caught myself nearly complaining about my personal space or lack of...and I am very pleased to record that I caught myself and placed in my thinking instead, the pleasure of a small act of joy that I could share where I am now, with my child. That put everything in perspective for me and got me right out of what in another instance would have been some self pity party. Adjust my thinking...improve my world.

new leaf

My ex husband wrote me a very touching letter recently. I read it and just sat contemplating it. I was so surprised that I did not know what to think. It felt a bit like my interpretation of the way that Russia and the United States must have felt after they both looked at the other post arms race. It is presumptuous of me to compare, but it felt like a huge shift had taken place, and finally I could replace certain thoughts that had become outmoded with new ones. To me that is no small thing. I have waited for the day for a very, very long time, and now that it is finally here, It is bitter sweet. Finally I can make plans without the wretched thought of reprisal upon me. There is much to be said for someone making certain that they make your life unbearable. Yet, I have had to forgive him at the same time in order to move forward. I feel also that I can finally, finally make plans related to myself for a change.Almost a decade in a quagmire of sorts. Now, I can remove the gossamer view that seemed to separate me from what i desire to do. I took a long time and I am not going back. I learned so much and I am armed with new knowledge. .......... I am setting a course. It consists of moving along as quickly as I can to keep my debts down and my savings on a steady course. The world has been so crazy. The latest issue with Great Britain leaving the European Union would attest. There is so much uncertainty. What do I know for sure? I can certainly say that although money is very important, so is the need to create legacies...It is important for me to build my own value system...create the paths that interest me and can help not only myself but others as well. I have had a few great projects come into my life and I have pursued them and I continue to do so. I no longer feel that my dreams are pie in the sky ones. I am not afraid to be unsure. I am no longer focused on thinking that I cannot accomplish certain things because I do not have the or that to do so. Today the girl I met at the market called me. She had some disparaging things to say about two people I know, and as she spoke I saw that her perspective comes from a place of ignorance. She is interested in getting ahead with some work f hers, and she has made efforts to help herself at any means necessary, including walking into the offices of business people and staying until she can get some sort of support. I say, if you can do it and it works, then by all means. However, she does not seem to realize or care that for certain things, there is a process. She does not take advice at all. I got her to think about doing more work, so that was good, but it had to be said in a manner that made her receptive. But to be fair to her, she dead with chronic pain and lots of financial uncertainty, and she reminds me of my own issues in the past, so I have a soft spot for her abrasive character. I write about her tonight because we all take different routes to getting where we need to be.I remember years ago complaining about my salary only to find out that it was way higher than some people I know. I felt so badly afterwards. But the truth as I now know it, is that you can always do better when you know better. To me, educating yourself, having a plan and following that plan through works for me. Whatever works for her, she clearly knows what it is. Who am I to stall her progress, even when i think that she is like a bull in a China shop? ............. We all want to do well. We want our money to be a security blanket. We want to be able to have a few things of our own. We all want love and friendship and laughter and vacations. I am so mindful now of living now and not getting bogged down in complaining and missing the present..and the present is named that for a reason. ............ My child was talking to me about college, and I thought about my expenses over the next few years and how old I will be. I believe that it is important to gift my child with the knowledge that although the world may seem a scary place, there is no need to be fearful within it. My role as the parent is to bring confidence, ability to think critically and on your feet...having a sense of fairness and regard...being yourself and thinking for yourself. All of this matters to me as a parent to my child. The things I want to gift, are things that I believe and hope shall serve in the best way for a future I have no knowledge of. ............ I have spent an awfully long time worrying about what money I do have, and about the things that I do not have. Now, I have worried them out of favor with my plans.

As things heat up with my personal work, I have one or two new projects on the horizon to begin to prepare for. In so doing, I realize that I now need a bigger space to be in. I am going to also spend some time again on a very old project that I have started and stopped at least seven or eight times over the years. It is such a strange thing, I have longed to see it completed, but that very fact that I don't is caused by wanting it to look very specific. At the talk that I did two nights ago with some other colleagues, I was asked twice to start writing more publicly. That was nice to hear, but I also realize that I gave the host an ok on what she read about me, and I left out so much of what I do, it was silly. But at the time, I felt that because of the forum,I didn't need to toot my own horn. I feel that finally I am coming into my own. I am seeing my direction. What's funny is that, it may not look like much on the outside. But because I know what I want to do, I am no longer thinking the way I used to. I have worked very hard to shift my way of thinking, and I have seen it pay off. For so long, I had a certain mindset. I knew that I had my beliefs that mattered to me, and then, I had the beliefs of my family, my supposed superiors and then the world at large that comes at you as popular culture. I have fortunately always felt a twinge of discomfort to things that fit too well. I am also distrustful of information that people parrot as though it were fact. When I encounter such things, my breathing slows down and I instantly find myself filling the information away to research just how true the conversation is. Without that, I think that the world would be completely unbearable for me. That, and of course choosing a creative career. I have also begun to just feel grateful for where I am and what I am doing. I have always said that I regret that I did not enjoy the moment more when I see old pictures of myself. Now, after facing the losses I have, I know that it is time to find my way again. Or at least to better. I spent a great deal of time saying that I cannot do certain things because I needed the money to do them. That was not untrue, but there were also so many things that I could do that do not take up a lot of money or any money at all. I need to focus more on doing and less on limitations, and I have been doing that. It's a good day, and I have good thoughts about everything now.

intrigue

I had a lengthy chat with a male friend of mine today about a number of things. We are working on a project together, so we are constantly in close proximity. We have chatted on this subject before, but this time we were able to explore the topic a lot more. Some of the things he mentioned has me curious. We both concluded that the world is such a contradictory place. But what I will also state here, is that as long as a person perceives things a certain way and only looks for the same in others, the likelihood of seeing anything else possibly is dim at best. In this instance, my friend stated that he wished that he could be rid of his sexual desires. I found this a dramatic statement and asked him why he felt that way. It seems that his experiences have not been the best. He attracts women with dependency issues. On a side note, I think I shall tell him to search himself and find out whether he attracts what he fears most or is? That way, if he works at it within himself, he may stop attracting such women. He is presently so far gone that he tells me that he is willing to pay for sex instead of having a relationship. He says that to him, most men need much more sex than they get from their partners. and...here's the shocker, he believes that women see sex as 'degrading'. Waw! That's a lot to take in. Now this is a very nice guy. He isn't even thirty seven yet, and already he is thinking this way! That blows my mind! Then, he went further to say that there is also the issue of incompatibility between men and women. He believes that many men do not even bother to try to have conversations with their girlfriends or wives about their real sexual desires for fear of insult, rejection or indifference. I have heard this from one or two other men I know...there is the whole thing about women wanting romance and men wanting sex, and I brought that up as the compromise. We both were also conscious of starting out with little suggestions and compromises leading to big compromises...would the requests never end? Suppose the desires bordered on the truly bizarre or painful, homo-erotic or truly deviant? What then? I know that this shall not be the last we shall speak of this, but I believe that his views, though relevant to him, are largely the product of both his experiences and his hard wiring by his parents and others closest to him.

strung together

RANDOM thoughts....a friend of mine has been extremely distressed about her children. I have been as all friends should be, a listening ear...but I could not help hearing something different this time...misery loves more and more and more of itself. My friend was so caught up in feeling the very worst, that I practically could not shake her out of it. So tonight I am writing a series of good thoughts as a balance to what I listened to today. ......... Buying myself flowers....having them on the table where I work...listening to soothing music all day long...drinking water with some lemon or mint...having a plate of tomatoes, sweet peppers, olives, dates, cauliflower....a bowl of cranberries...a soft pillow at my back...my book of positive quotes read at any spot...dark blue glass of rum punch...painting my toenails...a long bath...a massage with scented oil...smiling at a memory or two...hugs and kisses...crystals hanging at eye level...feeling contentment...fresh fruit...a green drink...sand underfoot at the beach...breeze...nakedness...touching tentatively...wrapped in a beach towel...running...holding hands...cold water...cup of coffee...unwrapping something that I wanted...Lush soaps...Lavender...Roses...Lemons...Grass...Rain...Chocolate...M&M Chocolate Candle..cinnamon...mint...marshmallows...oranges...great conversation...cashmere...silk...wood grain...Architecture...Eames chairs...Le Corbusier's chaise lounge in pony...handmade objects...leather bags...diaries...Balinese umbrella...small brass elephants...large throw pillows in hot pink...dark blue...dark green...lime green...orange...blue red....paintings...love letters...personalized stationary...ribbon...scented ink and Italian handblown pens...tassles on keys...pearls of every hue...coral earrings...love and laughter...the horizon and puffy clouds...traveling...pressing flowers in a diary...reading an excellent book...a bowl of pomeracs...lazy days...no worries...outdoor eating by the beach...or with friends in a back yard...swimming naked...a great view and complete privacy...sexy text messages...a long scenic walk...salads...fresh juices...LOVE...LOVE...LOVE...eye contact...dimples...jokes...silence...feet in a thick rug...the nights sky...