the Y

A bit more on the "Y". Tonight, I decided that I shall write a script for myself. The project that I mentioned here a few weeks ago, I got a glimpse of how it can be achieved. I was taking a taxi into town and I saw a very smartly dressed young man with an insulated cooler shaped box on a folded table . He had a bag with metal tongs inside it, and another bag filled with paper bags. he also had a large red umbrella. But it was his tee-shirt that struck me. It said something about entrepreneurs. He was simple, yet striking, and seeing him, and then when I got into town I saw two other people, a man and a woman in the same get up. I thought, ok, this is great! This is a group of people making work for themselves. I loved it. But, I don't want to get offtrack. This is about my plans. I used to cringe when I did this. I would write so many things I wanted to do, and when I could not achieve it, I would be so downcast, to the point where I felt that I should stop making plans. I am so glad that I do not feel that way anymore, plans are an opportunity to stretch yourself. They come freely and that's a great thing. I give myself a year to change my present situation to one of prosperity. I will no longer find myself stalled by my present job. I will achieve the things that I set out to do. I expect to be able to feel freer, happier, relieved that I am seeing myself able to really make decisions because I can do so. I am not waiting for this or that shoe to drop. I embrace my decision to call forth what I see for myself now. Change for the better can happen in a blink of an eye. My focus is now outward and upward. Amen.

A wonderful day

Indeed. Such a great day! My "Y' husband sent me his usual aggressive text yesterday. and then today he went off on a bender. What changed today was the way I responded to him. It was as though as the saying goes, something snapped in me. It was me saying, I am not going to read, or read into the trash that comes out of his mind and onto the screen of my phone. That is HIS belief. His limitation, it is where he chooses to be. What I will not do is entertain it as something that I shall take on or ingest.It was tangible to me as I stated this fact to myself. But something else also happened. I said aloud what I would prefer before I could even vet it. I learned so much this week, I don't even know where to begin. I observed so much. I saw the way people with the perfect tools to succeed, sabotage themselves. i saw the way someone with very little skill could take their naked desire to achieve what they want grab it and succeed. Although nothing that they are doing is properly structured or competently established. I saw the way my colleague uses me and others around him to prop himself up against. We all like to feel whatever it is we need to build our image..in his instance, it is a need to look strong and powerful. In a way, typically male behavior, and so, I watched that , quite aware of what he was doing for his ego's sake. It was interesting, because in the past, I might have felt that I needed to challenge him by counter acting his statements. But as my "Y" did what he did, it was as though what I experienced with my colleague would give me the hint to know that I also did not have to jump at what my "Y" always does. I usually respond, I get riled up, because he is riled up. But this time, I could see his moves. i also imagined that his angry energy was wafting through the phone and i replied to myself aloud, I love you, I wish you well. All is well. I also had to deal with a hustler this week. The person has the traits although they are setting themselves up as an intellectual. I got to see them in full mode. But what happened this week was that, I decided to sit and stay still and give myself a moment to think on my approach to them. I had discussed them enough to draw a belief system around them...which may or may not be 100% true. However, I reminded myself that there is my observation and beliefs. the other persons observations and beliefs and the thing itself. I decided to look at the actual "concern" around what the person was doing as a thing with air around it. pretty much the way Eckhart Tolle says that you are the person observing the person thinking. When I did that, it became easy to be detached. i saw it similarly to the way one would see a bowl with something inside it inside of a larger container filled with water. Seeing that I could isolate the "thing" as separate from my notions or the other persons notions that I had deduced...I then focused on what I wanted to achieve, and no longer on the moves that would be made by the person and by myself. If this is said, then I should say that and so on. This was remarkable for me. I slowed down the chatter in my mind and the only way I can write it, is to say that I got into the flow, and it was from there that i could move forward and cut through whatever it was that it might be or really was...and seek and achieve a different outcome...and this shall help me with the "Y"

there are days and then there are daze

The never ending puzzle that is consciousness will get me every time. There is so much to suppose, deduce, put together and analyze and then when you get somewhere, you are actually nowhere. But yet, I persist. Today it was about expecting coincidences to lead to the next one to be able to say to myself de ja vu. But today, the subtle difference was the connection of a number of other things in the mix. It started with the behavior of one or two people for a presentation. Both people in our great big illusion that is our world, felt so put upon about their lot when actually, they were being handled not only fairly, but beyond helpful, yet they could not, would not see it. The second person going so far as to decide to act, not wanting any help. So she ruined one of her pieces because she would not bend and say, can you assist me with this. Later, I spoke to another person, someone who could not be in the presentation, and the people I just spoke about were upset, finding the person who did not succeed very lucky. The logic was so skewed that I had to have a moment. I had to explain how very bazaar the logic was. But this evening was the ultimate of that whole mishmash of thinking. A conversation with our hairdresser...as always she has some tall very real stories. From her own family and her daily experiences. This time was really a new one. I have never even heard of anything like it. She said that she was awake very early in the morning and looked out of her window because she was hearing something. She looked up to see what it was and saw to her great shock, an airplane flying was below radar. In my country today the news is always bad and violent and scary in the violence. That is all that anyone I know talks about with anxiety and dismay. Here I am, in my country, living in it, part of all of the weirdness of place and space. There are enough challenges to be distracted. I have read all that I can about positive thinking and I have been mindful of how words and actions produce certain outcomes...and perhaps that is all it is. But my mind says, no that is the beginning of the best part because I believe that an answer is afoot. So when my hairdresser talks about a plane and we get into all of the things that we are hearing every single day on the news and making deductions from them...and wondering where we are standing amidst all of this insanity...it becomes a Hmmmmm, moment. too much of this leads to that.Why is weighted, negative content what sticks? It seems. Today the rapid fire of things in the im-material seemed to inform and create the material. So I had to listen and observe what was happening particularly. Now, how could I look at a whole country against a few people I interacted with today? Everything is interconnected and everything is related or relative. The answer is actually so right out there in the open...as old as time. Biblical time that is. In the Garden, so much choice leads to full awareness. Awareness brings pain. The people in the presentation...aware...and pained. Somewhere amidst all that used to work, suddenly nothing is right,nothing works anymore and that is that there is too much illusion, we cannot tell the difference anymore and all that is ever really true is the subtle gossamer currents that show all of us a teeny, tiny way forward. But the current is so damn strong that it is easy to mistake the pull for the pure action. So you as Eckhart Tolle has stated, "You are the person or entity observing the person thinking.

I may not have written it in all of this time, but for years I felt as though my anxiety was at the top of my way of thinking, so although I appeared to anyone observing me to be normal, I think I was never really feeling secure. It has taken a lot of work on my part to be here today where I can make a decision, with all of the boxes not ticked, still needing other things to work out...yet, force, I am not adding a sense of dread to my planning. I used to write that I had plans and lists, and I would even write optimistically about an idea, and then, it would just fizzle. Things would get to a certain degree and then...suddenly, nothing. It would seem like I would be putting so much effort out and yet, some insurmountable thing would stall me. I would listen to other people and I would hear other people making plans and seeing them through. Not that every plan I had fell flat, it was just that those I saw as pivotal to getting me from point A to B seemed to crash and burn. Now, a simple move like, plan, consider, think of my ice and know that it takes just small steps, somehow, that is extremely comforting and nurturing to me right now. A number of incremental things had to come into play for me to finally get here. First of all, there is no 'me' and 'them' where expectations are concerned. One set of rules for the world and another for me. I had to confront exactly what negative things I have been telling myself like a mantra for most of my life. I also am so grateful that I am now so fed up that even if I wanted to fall back into old negative habits, I am not only fed up of what they have wrought, but also tired and bored to be going through the same results that lead nowhere. Infusing my mind with at least one thing that I may not have known before, or a topic that can get my mind shifting...not that I have not been doing that for years...and thank goodness. But in this instance, it was a conscious decision to make new memories. It sounds sort of flippant. You make new memories every day. Indeed, but I also think a lot of the same things every day as well. My self talk is filled with the same old record player views. It is so damn easy to for example think of my "Y" husband...someone recently suggested I call him that instead of "x" and that is quite funny. If I focus on him, I can easily find myself recalling something from our past, or focusing on something he said or did recently. The other day,a friend of mine did this with me as she called to ask my opinion about something. I heard her go into he past and use it to predict her future and i was dismayed at how easily she did it. How can I say that I want this or that, and then go back to having a mindset that prevents my own good? Its like someone saying that they want to lose weight, but they would not check what they eat, change the foods in their refrigerator and pantry, exercise or diet. I cannot say that I want to have a certain degree of success if everything that can stall me is allowed to stump me. Put that way, I can easily find a reason to not progress, but thank god that I have pushed through that feeling many times in my life, so I know that I can succeed as long as I don't keep my focus on the thing that may have yet again hurled itself in my vision to laugh at my plans. I can now say, yes, I see you, meddling with me again, but guess what, that's all your doing, meddling. I have an answer for that, and for thenext one and the next one and the next one coming down the pike. That's how you beat it. You just do.

some good things happened today. A big one was the success of a project that I guided someone with. They had moments of considerable doubt, and lots of stops and starts. But they kept at it, and finally today they were able to get to the end and receive the accolades they deserved. I was so happy for her. She inspired me. The other thing was my speaking with a colleague and getting more firm information on my own project. Also, hearing myself sound clear about what is going on in my working life right now was great for me. Having that clarity means that I am no longer just looking at my life through a narrow lense. every day is an opportunity to do better and to start anew. It was also a good day for my relative who is in the hospital. She is slowly improving and has moved to a facility to restore her mobility. Another relative has also had someone give them excellent advice and support toward getting their dream realized. It was just a great thing to see positive outcomes in action.

what a week waw

There were insights this week that came with my willingness to put the work in to change the things that bothered me. i may have stated before that I experienced what can only be described as myself looking upon things in my life from above. A sort of overview. Where I was able to reflect, yet, not be judgmental in my reflection. I was able to see it the way one would see a town or a city. When one looks from above, one does not pick out what is wrong with the individual parts.I could see a few parts a bit closer than others, and I could even see my ex-husband and what he came into our relationship with. It was then that I could look upon his behavior as the product of his very child-like desire to be loved and protected from disappointment.I was able to see how his wrong thinking has carried him all of this time and how much we both have struggled with that level of self doubt. Without believing the same thing within as you feel without- you have no chance of changing anything about yourself. I set about to work on that a few years ago, and I am deeply grateful for having done so. It took awhile to teach myself how to do it. In fact I don't think that I can even explain to anyone else how to make what is within match what is without...apart from stating here that there is no way around going into yourself...asking yourself every time you see something lovely where people are interacting and you are observing and re-acting...what are you feeling when you see love or partnership? Or trust, or friendship? What are you feeling? Isn't that lovely, do you remember when you felt that, or had that? Do you want to experience that again? Or do you want your own version of that sense of joy? For emotional experiences, that's how you have to build up the outer and inner connecting.You have to feel your inner workings. You have to listen to what your inner monologue is constantly telling you. You have to feel what you feel when you are running on adrenaline or fear, doubt , tiredness, pettiness...everything and begin to inwardly change your temperature by getting to know who you are. It really is no different than the scene in The Matrix when Morpheus had to tell Neo that he, Neo had never used his muscles before. Why this is not taught in schools? I have no idea. But I know that I have to teach it to my girl. I know for a fact that although I searched and researched Spirituality from an early age, it still has taken a lifetime to understand that I know nothing. It has challenged me that I have wondered about action and re-action. I have been befuddled by energies. Listened to family and friends around me speak of obeah and miracles,prayer, fasting and rituals. I have chosen to use my positive thinking, logic, compassion,realistic expectations and spontaneity to achieve my beliefs. I've been Athiest, Catholic,Muslim,Jehovah Witness and Hindu. I have listened to Buddhism and New Age. In all that time, life is moving on. The journey is to be had. There is no prize for best. It is about living and that is it. What is the point of life? To live.

In Memorium

The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror and each will smile at the other’s welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life. — Derek Walcott (1930 - 2017)