Tuesday, April 4, 2017

I may not have written it in all of this time, but for years I felt as though my anxiety was at the top of my way of thinking, so although I appeared to anyone observing me to be normal, I think I was never really feeling secure. It has taken a lot of work on my part to be here today where I can make a decision, with all of the boxes not ticked, still needing other things to work out...yet, force, I am not adding a sense of dread to my planning. I used to write that I had plans and lists, and I would even write optimistically about an idea, and then, it would just fizzle. Things would get to a certain degree and then...suddenly, nothing. It would seem like I would be putting so much effort out and yet, some insurmountable thing would stall me. I would listen to other people and I would hear other people making plans and seeing them through. Not that every plan I had fell flat, it was just that those I saw as pivotal to getting me from point A to B seemed to crash and burn. Now, a simple move like, plan, consider, think of my ice and know that it takes just small steps, somehow, that is extremely comforting and nurturing to me right now. A number of incremental things had to come into play for me to finally get here. First of all, there is no 'me' and 'them' where expectations are concerned. One set of rules for the world and another for me. I had to confront exactly what negative things I have been telling myself like a mantra for most of my life. I also am so grateful that I am now so fed up that even if I wanted to fall back into old negative habits, I am not only fed up of what they have wrought, but also tired and bored to be going through the same results that lead nowhere. Infusing my mind with at least one thing that I may not have known before, or a topic that can get my mind shifting...not that I have not been doing that for years...and thank goodness. But in this instance, it was a conscious decision to make new memories. It sounds sort of flippant. You make new memories every day. Indeed, but I also think a lot of the same things every day as well. My self talk is filled with the same old record player views. It is so damn easy to for example think of my "Y" husband...someone recently suggested I call him that instead of "x" and that is quite funny. If I focus on him, I can easily find myself recalling something from our past, or focusing on something he said or did recently. The other day,a friend of mine did this with me as she called to ask my opinion about something. I heard her go into he past and use it to predict her future and i was dismayed at how easily she did it. How can I say that I want this or that, and then go back to having a mindset that prevents my own good? Its like someone saying that they want to lose weight, but they would not check what they eat, change the foods in their refrigerator and pantry, exercise or diet. I cannot say that I want to have a certain degree of success if everything that can stall me is allowed to stump me. Put that way, I can easily find a reason to not progress, but thank god that I have pushed through that feeling many times in my life, so I know that I can succeed as long as I don't keep my focus on the thing that may have yet again hurled itself in my vision to laugh at my plans. I can now say, yes, I see you, meddling with me again, but guess what, that's all your doing, meddling. I have an answer for that, and for thenext one and the next one and the next one coming down the pike. That's how you beat it. You just do.

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