who knew

After what to me was a hurricane of emotions this year, I have had ample time to consider what it all meant to me. I have truly burned mental calories on a variety of views, and this time, I am now at a place where I will say that there is acceptance in the circumstances. I no longer feel a knee jerk reaction to respond. I no longer am trying to be right, or to find a way to manipulate circumstances, even though they have only been hypothetical. This evening, I'm not writing one thing and holding back in my heart that another that I would like to experience can actually happen. I have been able to get past all of this through concerted efforts. I have worked extremely hard to move forward when all that I have wanted to do is to change the outcome. Particularly as I have never had this sort of experience good and bad, before. In choosing what matters most to me...my present and my future...and my knowing, always that what I do not receive is not for me to receive...I have come around. What has helped has actually been remembering Frequent Flyer, of all people! That sobered me up after so many false starts and stops. But, ultimately what I gathered from everything most, is my resolve, and my ego made me laugh today, because it kicked in, and wanted me to explain how could I have had such a tumult of feelings and bam, shut them off so fast, as though I were shutting off a pipe? My answer is pretty simple. I still feel something. I still care. I still would really love a great outcome. However, it is not the be all and end all of everything I stand for or want for myself. I think I learned that with my ex husband and Frequent Flyer. I do dig my heels in when I think that something is for me. I commit. Despite the way I have appeared, I am a very faithful, committed sort of person. I persevere. I don't give up on people I love. But what I learned with this experience is that I don't have to feel that I am falling apart just because things did not go as I hoped. I am grateful for the experience. I would have to say that I met a soulmate. My life changed dramatically. I questioned things that I probably have never given a second thought to. I acknowledged sides of myself that I suppress. I heard myself actually want to want someone because I felt that they were worth fighting for on a romantic level, something that I am still stunned I would contemplate!When I fought with my ex, it was because I knew we were both invested. In this instance, there is no such guarantee, and I have not chosen to act on my impulses to act. But I have thought about it. I really have. The fact that I have has shown me a side to myself that I am still coming to terms with. I see that that vulnerability actually makes clear that I have taken the biggest step of all, and that is that I am ready for a new relationship wth a man for real. It scares the fucking hell out of me! But I am willing to take the steps. I am amused that all of this has happened to me and I know that the catalyst behind it all is none the wiser.None the wiser. I glimpsed myself in a way that I gather now, nothing else could have drawn those things out of me. No way! I had to be off-balanced. I had to risk. I had to change me. My set ways of doing and being to get here, in this way.

There comes a time when you have to close a door. I may not feel ready,but today, when I ran over certain thoughts that still march through my mind, the combination of experiences just called for a decision on my part. Sometimes, when I have decided to end something that has felt so familiar, I know it is for the best. But although it is the right move, it feels sad and upsetting, even when you know it. It isn't any longer about some sort of lightening bolt, reward sort of thing. You make a choice with all of the same feelings before the decision, in place. I have to look ahead. I have to look at my strengths, and they come at unexpected moments, where I hear myself saying things that help me go on. When I have to make what feels like a hard choice, I remind myself that I have faced things and persevered. I know that I have no idea what to expect, but sometimes it matters to just be open. To not have any fear in the unknown. Also, to trust that I can focus on better.

two

I'd like a trust fund. I'd like to work because I choose to and not because I have to. I would like to see all of my projects happen. I'd like to have a team of staff working for and with me. I'd like to have a space that I created from scratch. I'd like to go to countries I have never gone to before. I'd like a lover who suits me perfectly. I'd like the rest of my life to be about joy and beauty and fun, adventures and great memories. I'd like it to start now and to never look back at what hurt so much.

contemplation.

I am finding that I am changing in some little ways that tell me that the time I put in to certain things are indeed worth it. From the way I take a dance class with seasoned people, to how I now handle the moments when I feel sad or upset about things not working out that I really want to turn around for the better. It doesn't mean that my life is suddenly all joy and roses. I still struggle. I still hurt about certain things. I still beat myself up sometimes. But now, when I am in the beginning of such moments, I know that I am in it, and I know that it isn't something that controls me. I have a choice. Sometimes I can decide that I should just allow it, in a sort of observing way. At other times, I can say to myself that this is about to feel a certain way and I am projecting or feeling triggered. I may even indulge the feeling and see where it goes. The point is that in the past I used to brood. I used to sulk. I used to feel really put upon. I didn't know any other way to act. My journey has been a long one to finding a way to be in the world and to be happy to be myself. I don't even know myself fully. I surprise myself by some of my actions, thoughts and judgements sometime. Not everything I think or do, is fully realized. I can be prone to act without much thought.Or deeply analytical for the most trivial of issues. I may be moody to others, when to me, I am just being observant. This year, even my liking my own company and spending so much time alone, I challenged that. I finally admit that the two greatest relationships in my life that have ended,really changed my life - and I am still carrying the hurt and pain of those experiences, along with all of the wonderful memories, and I miss both of these people so very much. Have been wanting to find something like that again, and the void has felt so deep that I thought shrugging it off as not possible was enough. But, the laugh is on me. Sure I analyzed that I saw men as inferior. But these two people, I never saw them in that light. I loved them unconditionally, and I will never get over the importance they played in my life. I am not to "get' over it. I am to continue to know that I feel the way that I feel, and I am doing the best that I can. I have met people since, and I am grateful that I have glimpsed other interesting people who have chosen to share their time with me. I have been jolted by my expectations. I think that I have done my best to have an opened mind, and with it has come a better understanding of what I will and will not accept in someone I desire to spend my life with. I know that casual relationships are not for me. I know that someone who is secure in themselves is really important to me. I know that I would love to do fun, spontaneous things, travel, take long drives and walks, talk for hours, send cheeky text messages, Skype, laugh, eat, drink, dance, sing. Live. I have had the experiences I have had, I believe now, because I have been holding myself in and holding myself back, because in a way, I feel so restricted by my space and place. When I was alone when I was last abroad, I loved the time that I gave myself. But, I admit that I desire to share this with someone I love. I love being alone. But I am for the first time admitting (I think) I feel lonely. I feel lonely in that I miss having someone be just for me. It sounds kinda wierd to write it. I suppose it comes with all of the criticism and stress placed on my from without...from my former husband. From those closest to me who challenge me every day by weighing me down without even realizing it. It comes from my job, that I know I do well...but it doesn't pay me well. I cannot be satisfied by it because it doesn't financially do what it should.Nothing is the same as it was before. Suddenly, I can no longer walk this particular path. I feel out of control to ask for what I want. But I have been pushed so far, that now, I must confront what I want. I am actually afraid to say what I want. I thought that I was saying what I want all the time. But to me, I kept getting pieces of what I want. I make lists. I think about this question all the time. I make decisions like anyone else, constantly. Yet somehow, this year...what I want and what I say and feel I want just seemed slightly out of synch, kind of like the registration on a photograph being off. The picture becomes fuzzy and blurry. I ask myself, where is the path to me? I am always present with myself, but am I always aware of how much I desire? Or hurt? or rail against how things are going? I don't mean throwing tantrums like a child. I am trying to get to the crux of what I find I cannot articulate without pushing and prodding myself. I am determined to find my own answers to me. I can be so appropriate for the world. Dress well, sound polished. Be on point. I know that I hide messy behavior...like getting angry publicly, or not caring about whether I may say something thoughtless. That one, that's a big no,no in this world right now. Lol.This is getting quite long. I shall make this a two part thing.

stop the world for a moment

This week I promised myself that I would take a few days off from checking Facebook. But I had something to do for someone, so I had no choice but to check their message.In so doing, I came across some sad news about the death of a colleague. I had no idea that he was battling Cancer. This guy was a really lovely person. He was quite young, not yet thirty. But last year he got married, and he had had a child before getting married, and then had one after he got married. Somehow though, I never saw him as moving too fast in his life. To me he seemed to be one of the smart ones. He knew what he wanted and he was doing it with a smile every day. Tonight, I remember him with great admiration. I cannot imagine the void he has left with his wife, children and family. What I do know is that I shall never forget him. Appreciate what he came to do, however brief he was here. He made some impression on me. Grieving is a process. There is no way to get "over' it. You live with it. Some days are better than others, and eventually the person settles into the back of your mind leaving moments to remember them by. However, for now, the pain is sharpened dull at the same time. I feel so much loss this year. So much personal loss. This shall not be the last time either, as those I love are all getting on in years. It doesn't get any easier, and easy in not going to happen, ever where this is concerned. I know that with my partner, there have been days when I know that it would be so good to dial his number. We spoke every day, sometimes several times a day, coming down to the end of his life. One good thing about this passing, I have to write, is that he had fun down to the last. I am so happy to be able to write that. Nothing has upset me more with the deaths that I have experienced recently, than the fact that so many spent their last weeks and months in conflict and pain. He was in pain as well, but he had established so much love and certainty into the world he created. I could not let today pass and not remember him.

Today someone I just met mentioned her Facebook page being hacked. Her friend then casually said that she has hacked the pages of others.The conversation quickly went to your attitude about your own information. The "Hacker" said that the point was to not be blackmailed by your own property. Feeling ashamed was completely overrated. What I liked about the observations was that it is in many ways akin to what happens with negative self talk. One can get so invested in a belief system that even if a solution is found, hesitation occurs. Tonight I felt the need to literally snap myself out of some negative thinking. I was happy to hear myself get right on all of the crap I was thinking.What generally gets me in the relationship stuff. Work stuff, I don't take as much to heart. I am uptight. Some of my views contradict my behavior and challenge me no end. I am tired. Tired of the results. Tired of everything being topsy turvy. Tired. I am happy with y work. I am not as happy with the renumerations. But that can be worked out. What's happening now is my determination to work on my inner and outer thinking/expectation.

clarity

The Caribbean has gone through a great deal since the hurricanes, Irma, Jose and Marie. Amidst all of that, I have been going through all sorts of things as well. But most of all, I am very pleased to write tonight that anxiety and doubt are not among my thoughts. In fact, in the few moments when I have been able to feel clarity, I have relished the experience. Now is such a time. I had been going over some recurring thoughts...but this time, I knew that I would find breadcrumbs in the things I watched, listened to and allowed my body to react to. I knew that I was still learning from my experience in March. I also knew that it wasn't about 'him' but he was the catalyst. How else would I pay attention? It has been fascinating. It takes discipline to not get sucked and suckered into one way of thinking, particularly when what you feel is chemical in nature, and for centuries, training and nurture makes one think that there is only one way to behave. Powerful emotions cloud the mind. However,one can also observe them. Having powerful emotions does not mean that you have to lose yourself, or that you will lose yourself in another. The ideal experience to me, is meeting someone who recognizes you in the same way that you recognize them.You both arrive at a place where you are responsible for you. The other person is responsible for themself. There is no need for game playing because there is no need to feel vulnerable. For me, it feels like it has been a long road. I have been very good at concealment. It has taken me a long time, a great deal of patience to crack open my feelings. I love making lists, so I have found comfort in my own patterns. I didnt even acknowledge that I could not receive the things I claimed to want, because I didn't really want the responsibilities of them. My experiences were actually such that I could write something on my list like...a partner. But, I am still sad and angry about losing the partner that meant the world to me. So, my list is genuine, but my inner and outer are at odds. I could state that this is damn inconvenient, because I thought that all I had to do is affirm what I want and just go after it. But because what happened in March happened as it did, I cant make the same old pronouncements of the past. I would even go further and say that in 2017, I can state that this experience in March is an anomaly. It went completely counter to all of my patterns. Life really is easier than I have believed. Tonight I can see how much it is. Have a plan that is foremost and make it happen. Love life. See worry as pointless. Be kind, be confident. Be happy. When I feel sad, be sad. Feelings happen, holding to them is the problem. I would say that this year I confronted sides of myself that I do not show often. I have also confronted that my contradictory behavior does not mean that something is very wrong with me. I have to embrace everything. The work that I am doing now is necessary to achieving what I truly desire for myself ultimately.