So much to say, so much

It's been a rollercoaster ride of bad services. From a beauty business to the bank for my sister. Meanwhile I just found out that a dear old friend of mine just moved back home. I was so shocked. She did say that she was considering it, but when I think about what my sister is experiencing, I cannot imagine my friend being able to stand it for more than a few weeks! I actually sat for awhile trying to decide how to start this entry when I wanted to be writing for weeks now, but so much has been happening. We had a month of stresses with the Internet. That was annoying in itself. Only yesterday finally someone was able to fix it. however, they had to do it in a roundabout way. I live here, and I know that service sucks. but to have been in new York for three weeks and then return home and see things from having recently travelled is glaring. The things that one puts up with are substantially bad. From people not looking you in the eyes when talking to you. Not knowing anything on their job. Not being helpful. being downright rude. Not caring if you buy something or not. Asking you whether your 'getting true?" when your the only one in the store looking around for your item for ten minutes. They are on their phone, or talking to someone they are working with, and ignoring you the customer. It's awful! I do not bother to ask for any help. I look for an item and I get my money out and get straight to the casher and leave. I spend very little time buying things from department stores, and my sister buys nothing apart from groceries, and sometimes she goes to the grocery, but she now buys almost everything online. I was surprised at how much she does this, but this could serve me so well here. My sister being here has put a spotlight on all that still needs to be done.

L O V E

My nieces are here, and I have been working with the younger one who has been diagnosed with Autism. Instinctively, I have been working with her, and discovering that many of the things I do, are done by professionals trained to deal with children like herself! Waw! Ok. But, the thing is, tonight, I find that what I am teaching her, also has rubbed off a little bit on me. Tonight, I have been doing some work for my mother, and talking to my niece in between, and something remarkable for me happened... I began to focus away from my usual litany of thoughts of why this didn't work out or that seems to be the worst thing...to just allowing a flow...allowing thoughts of what I do want to feel without the analysis. That is a big deal to me. I think it happened because of the fact that my mind was working at two different things almost at once, so the usual banter could not dominate.! Whatever it was, I am damn grateful. Lol.

My neice and I did the High Line Walk today. I have to state that it impacted me completely. It was an absolutely edifying experience for me. I felt the value of Architectural Design and Environmental Design in all of its glory. Every step advanced the feeling of wellbeing, something that I really needed to feel. I can safely say that so far that has been the best part of my trip. I have been having a reasonable time, but I have had moments that clearly remind me that I can go anywhere I want, but the things that challenge me, continue to do so, and I never run away from them, but they can be inconvenient. Today was different. I found that I was actually able to move past those things and really appreciate that time is short, my insecurities are not there to slow me down and I can focus on better and better and better still. What I felt was a relief. I get so tired of feeling down, and it takes some doing to get out of the feeling. However, today was the salve I needed.

gather no moss

This week Fashion Designer Kate Spade and Chef, Anthony Bourdain committed suicide. It was shocking. These two powerhouses in their field obviously seemed to be at the top of their game. One wonders when things like this happens, the belief is that everyone thrives for a fraction of the amazing success of such people. So when those who appear to do so well fall apart, it is mind-boggling. But the reality is that feeling low has nothing to do with money or success. This year I have had my moments when I have felt hopeless. Nothing outwardly proved what was going on inside my mind. For me the only way to combat it,is to know that I can focus my attention away from what pains me. It doesn't always work. From somewhere deep inside , if you push and poke, if you can, you can eventually sense that it is but a moment. the next moment doesn't have to be equally bad, or the next and next...but it takes will and faith and hope that somewhere along the way, better will come. Sometimes the better is tiny. It is incremental. It may even not be what you want. But you hold on to that ray of hope like its oxygen your breathing into your lungs. When suicides like those very famous ones happen,I wonder about the lives. Anthony Bourdain would have heard about Kate Spade. When people are at their lowest, who knows what people are dealing with? It also reminds you to be grateful. There you may be, thinking the worst yourself, but somehow, you don't feel the way those who make the choices do. Today on the train there was an agitated man who was cursing about his relationship gone wrong. It was a reminder to how much we believe the things we experience so completely. It is so easy to get very caught up in your feelings. You want something to be a certain way, but you don't always get what you want...you get what you need 'The Rolling Stones."

the cloud

I am on vacation and it feels so weird to not be running around this time. Being here gives me a little perspective. Having the opportunity to step away from the things that concern me, I now remember that although I may want some things to go a certain way,that I may be so fortunate to not have my life tangled up in directions that do not serve me. I have always felt that way, but in the last year I did not feel that way at all. I wanted to push and manipulate something to my will, and not for anything would my efforts pay off. This led me to feel great doubt and to soul search. I wondered privately what was I not doing? Or what was it that I did that was wrong? However, ultimately, my experiences tell me that when things do not work out as I would like, I can look at what IS actually going on that I am controlling in my life now. So, for example, I may feel that I am not having certain financial improvements. I may think that it is preventing me from starting a venture that I hoped to focus on to be able to make decisions to shift from one place to another. But something inexplicable curtails the plan. It may mean that I should push harder? But sometimes it means that I have to re-evaluate my plans. I will never forget the story the Architect Zaha Hadid told about her early work. She won a prestigious contest and expected that it would lead to her first building being built. But then it didn't happen for years. She was devastated. Then she decided to re-structure her company. That decision led to a much better approach when the real jobs she wanted came her way. I have never forgotten about that. It is also clear to me that sometimes you can't see any good in the stall, or in what seems like a perminantly bad situation. I would write that you just have to evaluate how to make the best out of what you are faced with, and that's that.

vibrations raise

One other thing...I felt something else too. it could be best termed as a raising of my vibration. With more confident thought and more work on removing that which no longer served me, I found that there was a vast and immediate improvement. One good, strong feeling begot another and so on and so on. I shall continue to write about this as I work on myself.

thoughts to ponder

Something shifted for me tonight. I have been having moods. They have not been dramatic if I were observing me from a distance, but to me, they were tumultuous. It was the usual reason. I was feeling as though everything was passing me by. But over the last few hours, I have been confronting my feelings. I have decided for example, that I am going to do at least one thing a day that speaks to my confidence. I also am being more confrontational with my negative self talk. I now listen to myself go on and on and I observe what I feel, where I focus my thinking, how often...and can say that already I find that I can break up the illusion with better results. What used to happen is a dis-satisfying pattern of an attempt at positive re-enforcement that would seem to work, but then I would have crashes. This proved that all I was doing was creating a placebo effect. I think that the worst thing one can do is to think that they are doing better when all that is happening is a sort of brainwashing. You think that your getting somewhere, but your actually still very much stuck, and when you realize it, its even harder to get out of the malaise. What i did in this, the wee hours of Monday is place alongside my negative self talk another way to view my life. For example, this evening I brought up with my colleague who told me that I was being paid for all the work I out in to support a large scale project....that she wants to 'talk' to me about 'that." I know what to expect when someone says something like that. It usually means that they suddenly want to change what they told me to get me to work with them in the first place. My initial reaction was anger. I didn't show it. I felt it. My first thought about it was...why does this happen to me? Why do people think that I somehow don't need money? My next thought after that was... I think that I should just quit the fucking job, as it isn't really a job when there is such a hassle to be paid fairly. I let myself rant and then I dismissed everything I thought. Now this situation is not over yet. But already I am working on the outcome that I do want to experience. I replaced what I put into my mind with things that I prefer to focus on... the work that I do want to do. The things that I do want to accomplish...things like that instead. It doesn't mean that the situation will magically change. What it does mean though is that I (at least in this instant) will not go down the path of getting any more worked up about the matter than I can) After all, I am not faced with a way to change it at this time. What I can change is investing any more negative emotions behind it. In the past I found this the hardest thing to do. But last week I observed myself while in my 'mood.' I was lamenting the whole romantic relationship thing and noticed that my focus strayed to couples holding hands and the whole nine yards. Now that is a pleasant thing to observe. But I was looking at it with a kind of longing as though it was beyond my grasp, or that I had never had the experience...and I caught myself within the moment and saw the folly of my thinking. I was actually creating more lamentation...more of exactly what I did not desire. This bothered me, because I wondered how could I change the behavior? Surely this would be how I would always act? It was so subtle and seemed ingrained within me. But then, a tiny voice piped up, you change it because you will no longer tolerate the worst outcome. But not only that, the worst outcome is as much an illusion as the best outcome. Ha. Take that! With that, I felt miles and miles better than when I began.