sponge

When I got up this morning I stayed in bed a few minutes longer to just think about my day. I do that every so often. Today I started a bit down. The day before one or two things just felt so heavy for me. From the usual feeling that my weekend is spent alone, to getting email from a colleague who wants me to do some project for free. It was just enough to make me want to cry and scream at the same time. But as I have been writing, when I get like this, I no longer wallow in the emotion. I instead see it, feel it and assess what it can actually do to propel me out of its depths. However, some residue lingered. So I was in bed and I said to myself that with all of the things that yet again tell me that I should just take a walk to the cemetery and wait....as my mom says when she hears someone being hopeless....I can assess my circumstances and see what I should do next. It was interesting the way that my plans presented themselves to me. If I could film it, my perminant list of projects and goals popped into my head and spun around in their little spaces....lol. I saw how much I have wanted to get many of my plans off the ground and all the stalls and stumbles I have made over the years. I saw how much support and money seemed to completely derail anything I desired to do. Then to add to everything, I saw the way money just challenged my very ability to survive. The compromises to my very health because I was in court for years. Why get out of bed? I saw how even the one or two chances for love in my life mocked me too. It was so easy to fall back into the den of hopelessness. So very easy.Everything was so palpable that of course, they were all old friends. This was how it is. How to transcend these experiences? What to do? I have been here over and over and over again! I waited. Slowly, painfully slowly, my mind turned over. Look differently, I heard myself think. It is because you are at rock bottom again that you can see the horizon....and I nearly cried. I am not down for the count. I am still breathing. There is HOPE. There is HOPE.

Last night I was speaking with the Spartan. His views on women he has met in my country are disparaging. So much so that I have asked him to tone down or stop telling me about it altogether. meanwhile, I also had to tell him to stop talking about my physical attributes. This is typical of a certain kind of man who has been through a rough time. But equally, as a woman, I would say that I too have found dating post divorce to be extremely weird to say the least and mostly disappointing. I have concluded that at my age, I am going to meet damaged, challenged men walking right off the battlefield, all bloodied and PTSD(ed). Lol. I notice that the women I speak to complain about the same thing that men I know complain about. But somehow, they are not meeting each other. With all of the online dating sites out there, this is a surprise. I know many wonderful, beautiful women. I also know some very nice, kind and loving men. So what gives? Yet, the Spartan's words grate against my nerves. Somehow when he delivers some of his comments, I observe that he cannot gain my regard as juliemangoman had absolutely no problem with doing. It is amazing! I have come across this before. The Towers said something to me that made me storm out of his million dollar apartment that Frequent Flyer would say completely differently and get me wrapped up emotionally. It is so funny the way delivery, meaning, elegance, chemistry all play into how one person succeeds and another does not. However, I am writing about The Spartan from the perspective of his victimhood on the one hand and his arrogance on the other. He admits that when he was a younger man he was wild. But now that he has met a younger woman by at least twenty years, he wants to bad talk her in the worst way, saying she mislead him. I am getting the story in dribbles, but it is coming out. He was in such a lather about what she did to him. But when I tried to ask him about his part in the whole thing, he is less inclined to consider his responsibility to himself. We are all looking for love, for companionship. We all want someone to understand us, talk with, share things about ourselves, our day to day issues. Someone to have a laugh with. To empathize when we are crying, hurt or angry. Companionship is a powerful thing. I know that when juliemangoman touched me, I realized I was in serious trouble because I had not been embraced for real in so long that the very nature of being held by a man, far less one smelling as he was and how tall he was, I was lost in his arms and I wanted to hold on. The idea that I was reacting that way, could come across as desperate sad to say. I was instantly aware of it and scared to death that I could be "one of THOSE women..it is natural to feel and to react,but in our world right now, its seen as too much from a woman, so despite what you want to do. the truth is that a woman still should play games with men. There is no equality there. I wish I could say otherwise. But it seems that it is still hinged in game playing. I resist, you pursue. But the funny thing is that when most women resist when they are older, it is because they really are not interested in the man at all. It is a fine balance. I see nothing wrong with showing your feelings and putting your truth out in the open. Answer questions, say what you want...be confident. Do not play on a man's playing field, play on your own is a saying I have. I adhere to it still. But I would say that despite my confidence, this last time, I was met with more than I could intellectualize. Damn! I was a blubbering mess! Lol and damn!!Sometimes it is just how it is. Its kinda great to know that with all you feel you know, there is always something that turns what you know on its ear.

I have gone through a few things yesterday that I want to sort out here.I know that I have had to adjust my behavior suddenly. I have decided to not fight my feelings or tamp them down. So far I find that it has worked well. What I started with yesterday, was a resolute sense of things. But it was much more. I was actually able to see my moods in a detached way. Gone was some of the angst and the type of thoughts that would hold me captive in a way that would be like an undercurrent of emotion that followed me around like background noise. Then I was online and he was also and I posted something to poke at him and he read it. What became clear to me was that despite how much I am moving on and more stoic, I was suddenly faced with a rush of emotions that I cannot keep from escaping like water from a dam. I have to just let everything happen, and that is a challenge to me. All of my experience with juliemangoman has been to me, about losing my tight grip on logic and control. It is a truly vulnerable thing for me to experience, and also an amazing feeling...because with it has come so much learning that I have appreciated. That is partly why I find difficulty with carving him up and being nasty about his character. I genuinely felt at my core a calmness amidst all of the tumult of emotion swirling around me. It was as though I experienced him on a chemical level, which is most likely the case. So, I was resolute about what I feel and the fact that I cannot sit and mope.But also,there is an awareness that every experience is not the same. I may be dealing with every stereotype in our characters, but equally, at every moment one has the opportunity to see ones actions from an adjusted perspective and thus, survive the slings and arrows if you are stealthy enough. Who is to say who is right and who is wrong? So much time is spent naming and shaming. What about feeling and being? It isn't easy, not by a long shot to shift perspective, but it is very do-able. I come to my space today because the minute I decided to be naughty, and my thoughts were all in place, my old feelings were also still very much there. That is only to be expected, but still, I was conflicted. I tested myself. If we were to speak now, what would I do and how would I feel? It is there that I saw my biggest growth at least in theory. I have repeatedly said that we need to talk, and then become tongue tied and completely forgetful of my intentions. But now, if that were to happen,that is what I would want to do.

How I survived

By remembering what I love to do anyway. Remembering that this is but a moment and the show isn't over By respecting that I have many wonderful and helpful memories By still being excited about my future By being grateful By helping others with their issues By being able to enjoy simple things By letting go

the ironies of life

I have met someone who has been contacting me every day, sometimes two and three times. I appreciate the interest, but I have made it very clear that I am not interested in them romantically. I shall call him the Spartan. I feel odd about the whole thing, but I can tell that this person is in for the long haul. Part of me is a bit angry about it. I want to complain that I don't need someone coming around me trying to be friendly and friends, when I know that they are not going to wear me down for romance. I am not attracted to him, even remotely. I do appreciate his mind, his professional experience at his work and he is a very nice person. No doubt about it. But to me, I cannot fake chemistry. I didn't feel it with The Towers and tried to intellectualize a possible relationship to disasterous effect....But,at the time I did think that he met all of my intellectual ideas of the right person for me. So if the Spartan thinks that he can stick around and I will eventually give in he is going to be damn disappointed. But then I am punched in the gut by the fact that it was the one thing that juliemangoman did not do, and now this person is more than doing it. It is as though you can't find one person to make you happy! It is mind blowing to be faced with so much fragmentation. I feel as though I should not dear wish for anything ever again, if the fates choose to have a good laugh at my expense.Which they seem to be falling over on the floor crying with mirth about my downfalls. You want to meet someone to love for life. Fate decides that that sentence is flawed, so it gives you a rougeish looking drug addict wearing a tee shirt with the word LIFE on it for example. You want to meet the love of your life. He's looking at you with deep intense passion while holding the hand of his pregnant wife. Shit like that! As a child I always imagined that there are superior beings watching us individually and collectively like reality tv. Every being on their planet watches us as a sort of entertainment and betting factor. We really have no ultimate say. But, whether this is true or not, venture one must. I see way too many happy, content couples to believe that it isn't possible to find the person right for you. There is still hope.

I know nothing

The older I get the only guarantee I have is that I know nothing. However, I also have to write tonight that more and more I am getting with the understanding that everything that happens, everything that one can name and point at as a behavior or an issue in your life...when you listen to others with their challenges, I find that everything evens out to just life happening. You could be troubled. You could be content. Who is to say that anything is working? Who is to say that a negative thing isn't for the very best for you? It is all about perspective and the ability to rally in the face of both success and failure. Sure you can beat yourself bloody about what went wrong and how short sighted, misguided you were. That is a natural reaction. It is about what you can manage ultimately in your life. I really believe that you get what you can envision. Also, I think that everything we see in the media and hear from friends and family are only guides. Your life is yours and it is ultimately up to you to make the conclusions for yourself in this life.

green eyes

The most unusual thing is happening. I am expecting a promotion at work, but it requires some patience. While I wait, I have been noticing that my co-workers are sending me some snide remarks doing some fishing about me. The moment things shift in the workplace, everyone closes ranks and literally sees how they can manoeuvre themselves for advantage. Now, before it is even announced, people are trying to kiss my ass and its weird! I feel embarrassed by the obvious pandering and I am doing everything I can to deflect from little things that show that I am one wrung up from them. These are people who yesterday were basically vanilla with me,now pouring chocolate all over me. Lol. What I have to do is to look at what's next on the totem pole because those at the top don't trust each other either and are always snipping about what their colleagues aren't doing. So I shall study the role anyway.At the end of the day it really does not matter who or what the characters are all about...what matters is doing work well and efficiently. That's what counts in the end...and enjoying your job.