sponge

When I got up this morning I stayed in bed a few minutes longer to just think about my day. I do that every so often. Today I started a bit down. The day before one or two things just felt so heavy for me. From the usual feeling that my weekend is spent alone, to getting email from a colleague who wants me to do some project for free. It was just enough to make me want to cry and scream at the same time. But as I have been writing, when I get like this, I no longer wallow in the emotion. I instead see it, feel it and assess what it can actually do to propel me out of its depths. However, some residue lingered. So I was in bed and I said to myself that with all of the things that yet again tell me that I should just take a walk to the cemetery and wait....as my mom says when she hears someone being hopeless....I can assess my circumstances and see what I should do next. It was interesting the way that my plans presented themselves to me. If I could film it, my perminant list of projects and goals popped into my head and spun around in their little spaces....lol. I saw how much I have wanted to get many of my plans off the ground and all the stalls and stumbles I have made over the years. I saw how much support and money seemed to completely derail anything I desired to do. Then to add to everything, I saw the way money just challenged my very ability to survive. The compromises to my very health because I was in court for years. Why get out of bed? I saw how even the one or two chances for love in my life mocked me too. It was so easy to fall back into the den of hopelessness. So very easy.Everything was so palpable that of course, they were all old friends. This was how it is. How to transcend these experiences? What to do? I have been here over and over and over again! I waited. Slowly, painfully slowly, my mind turned over. Look differently, I heard myself think. It is because you are at rock bottom again that you can see the horizon....and I nearly cried. I am not down for the count. I am still breathing. There is HOPE. There is HOPE.