I have gone through a few things yesterday that I want to sort out here.I know that I have had to adjust my behavior suddenly. I have decided to not fight my feelings or tamp them down. So far I find that it has worked well. What I started with yesterday, was a resolute sense of things. But it was much more. I was actually able to see my moods in a detached way. Gone was some of the angst and the type of thoughts that would hold me captive in a way that would be like an undercurrent of emotion that followed me around like background noise. Then I was online and he was also and I posted something to poke at him and he read it. What became clear to me was that despite how much I am moving on and more stoic, I was suddenly faced with a rush of emotions that I cannot keep from escaping like water from a dam. I have to just let everything happen, and that is a challenge to me. All of my experience with juliemangoman has been to me, about losing my tight grip on logic and control. It is a truly vulnerable thing for me to experience, and also an amazing feeling...because with it has come so much learning that I have appreciated. That is partly why I find difficulty with carving him up and being nasty about his character. I genuinely felt at my core a calmness amidst all of the tumult of emotion swirling around me. It was as though I experienced him on a chemical level, which is most likely the case. So, I was resolute about what I feel and the fact that I cannot sit and mope.But also,there is an awareness that every experience is not the same. I may be dealing with every stereotype in our characters, but equally, at every moment one has the opportunity to see ones actions from an adjusted perspective and thus, survive the slings and arrows if you are stealthy enough. Who is to say who is right and who is wrong? So much time is spent naming and shaming. What about feeling and being? It isn't easy, not by a long shot to shift perspective, but it is very do-able. I come to my space today because the minute I decided to be naughty, and my thoughts were all in place, my old feelings were also still very much there. That is only to be expected, but still, I was conflicted. I tested myself. If we were to speak now, what would I do and how would I feel? It is there that I saw my biggest growth at least in theory. I have repeatedly said that we need to talk, and then become tongue tied and completely forgetful of my intentions. But now, if that were to happen,that is what I would want to do.