applying clarity

So how do I keep on this plain? How do I continue to acknowledge that I am God? I saw also tonight that I had to journey to the core of what hurts. I saw that it is an illusion. It feels very, very real, but I could actually see myself observing what I named as the hurt. I could see that it is just a construct. if I could literally make it as an object I would see it as a sort of vehicle that has a steel frame, wheels, an engine and lots of glass that reflects all manner of iridescent light that can appear dark and obscure from the outside, but from the inside I could see the outside world clearly. The ego has a lot to play in all of that. One must observe how one feels at such a moment. Is the breath normal? Am I anxious? Am I demanding something more from my experiences? What is it too me? This moment that I am embodying? As I sit and ponder, I can see myself inside the language of the hold of the past and the expectations of the future. But I can also see beyond even my limited understanding of my existence...to things that I have no language for, and i am actually enthralled and relieved to have no language...to go beyond my limited self...the person needing to be anchored by language. For just one precious moment...I have no expectations. ....... I have my breath ...... I have nothing to forgive I have nothing to forget I have nothing to do I have no one to please ..... I am just embodying the breath ..... I don't want anything I don't need anything ..... I am at peace I am at rest ......

exceptional moments of clarity

I am presently having one of those existential moments that I am extremely happy about as I feel it and anxious to get everything here on paper before the mood passes.A rush has come over me like a huge cumulus cloud. It is an awareness that feels almost physical of the power of love as the source of everything that I do. I was speaking to my daughter because I sent a message via her to her father about her education and his response was as usual, nasty and mean spirited...and I have been for some time just dismissing his actions because I do not engage him anymore, so I am able to ignore and dismiss what he does. So tonight, she tells me what he said and I reply that I want her to tell him thank you and have a good night. What that did interestingly enough was literally open my heart. i felt tangibly the fact that as challenging as it may appear at first,it is imperative that I do the very opposite of what I used to be inclined to do...which is to react in equal measure to him. I cannot react like him. i am not him. I am not going through what he is going through and I cannot and should not meet him at his worst. By sending out the very best 'vibe' or emotion with greatest sincerity to him, I literally drink from the well of my own "well'being. When I see that all is genuine in my heart, I cannot be hurt and distressed by what someone wants me to share because they are unhappy. I have the opportunity to instead bring them along with me to a beter place, if even it is only in my own imagination. I used to wonder how I could be feeling so much conflicting feelings for someone and consider that they are probably not even considering me as I focus on what they (made) me feel. It is a hell of a thing that might make you just feel defeated. But if you look at it from a slightly different perspective then the message is deeply valuable. It really does not matter whether the other person has you in mind or not. What is clear is that it is always you in your mind. It is you either saying that you believe in yourself or reject yourself. it is never about the other person. So you can sit and believe that this person or that person has it out for you, wished you ill...it really doesn't matter.....and that word, matter is such a powerful one. The matter...what's the matter? I kinda want to laugh now that I see it. I am always creating 'matter'. If only I could stick to the love. Love is the matter that 'matters' most. ................... To actually surrender to L O V E is so much more than the literal belief system. It is a surrender to self and all of the pollution of thought that keeps me from moving forward in the moment. Every time that I am willing to embrace the things that distract me from my highest thoughts, I am stepping back into the illusion that I cannot be amazing. I cannot actually reach for the very best in me. ................... I saw it so beautifully tonight. If I acted as I used to do in the past I would have missed the gossemer yet steel induced power of dismissing the illusion out of hand and acknowledging the clouds that say to me that everything is perfect, simple and perfect and I don't have to be stressing and forcing anything in my life EVER again. .................... The attempt to even hold onto the thought cannot happen...and I have come here and to my diary hundreds of times trying to express this very thought, many times before. It is not to be captured. It is innate.No person or thing is to be coralled. No issue or circumstances is to be worried over and get into your system and create anxiety and fear. All of the tools are within. It isn;t something to rush out and convince anyone of either. Be still and KNOW that You are God as a dear friend says all of the time. Everything is happening in the right time without any effort from you. You can pluck from that vast storehouse or you can go on worrying about every moment. ..................... The funny thing is that the mind would say, that's all fine and dandy but it doesn't pay the bills.What's funny though is that if you really look at it...you should ask yourself, can you imagine yourself moving in a mindset of everything resolved in perfect order? Can you imagine yourself sans challenges that twist you up in knots? Wouldn't you like to be able to free yourself of such toxic experiences? of course you would and you would find the money to do it too. So how come it is so difficult to seperate yourself from those negative beliefs that keep giving you more of the same results? .................... Tonight, that simple act with my daughter, i saw it plainly. I could go down his rabbit hole and join the familiar poison or I could resonate at a higher frequency where shaking off the familiarly negative could only bring me peace and that is way better forever!.

always contemplating

This morning when I awoke, I remembered a conversation had with someone about the impression I made a decade ago. I was surprised and embarrassed by the way that the person gushed about me. Embarrassed because I couldn't help thinking that if I had known that I made such an impression, I would be so much better off. Today I consider that and use it as I move forward every day. Thinking about myself ten years ago, I run my mind over all of the challenges. I don't run my mind over all of the great moments, to the point where I may find myself saying, what great moments? But of course I had them. I believe that the best thing that I have done in the most recent years is to re-organize the way that I view the negative that has bombarded me. I cannot remember when I did it, but I believe that I wrote about it here online, where I decided that I was going to challenge all of my negative thoughts and get to a place where I would start to consider bigger thoughts, bigger goals. That has been exactly the right attitude to have, and I gain from it all of the time. Now that I am on the threshold of uncharted territory, I am directly looking at one of my biggest challenges to date, and that is the old belief that no matter how much I may be inclined to plan, nothing goes to plan. Usually, that sort of contemplation would just get me upset with myself. But now, I am fascinated by the idea of being propelled forward by my own efforts. My efforts are now buoying me up and I am not so fixated on fear as I have been for forty years. Fear and failure are inevitable. The point is to move past it, see it, confront it and continue to proceed to where you want to go. Now, when I do what I started to do with this post, to contemplate the past and ask whether I have the pluck to take from the best as I go into something new,I feel freer. Everyone pays for their choices. If your married, you may glance at those who are not and believe that they may have more opportunities than you may have. Those who are single may feel the pull to those with families. I have looked at the latter sometimes, thinking that somehow I am untethered and thus broken. It is a funny thing.Such thoughts can really stall you. But I am up for the adventure. If I choose the red pill over the blue pill, I have a good attitude about life, and ultimately that is the greatest success.

Layers

A friend called me today and we had the sort of conversation that is helpful in showing me how much I have grown and how much I have done. The person is now dealing with the fallout of divorce because it is impacting their health. My heart skips a beat at everything that was said, it knows that I have been over that ground and have toiled every step of the way to come to terms with the things that I feel have hurt me to the quick. I let her know that feelings of anger and sadness, hurt and despair are not to be avoided. On the contrary, they are to be encouraged and confronted. Once you make friends with what feels best to avoid, and you engage it, asking its purpose and listening to what it has come to say, you can dissect it and most of all, send it on its way with the tools you need to prepare for the next time.

developments

Some noteworthy things are taking shape in my life right now. They relate to the way I see the world, my world right now. I am very grateful for what is occuring. I would say that I am more mindfilled. I enjoy the conversations I have with myself more as I am now spotting and waiting out those moments when I want to be negative about my decisions or past. I remember years ago wondering when this moment would come. I read many, many books on this part of enlightenment and questioned whether it was possible for me. I was helped by a statement from someone spiritually wise who said that being enlightened does not mean suddenly living a perfect life. You will still have days where you feel dispondent or angry or whatever can pull you in a spiral. However, being enlightened means knowing that these things come and go....in the same way that joy and everything that feels good comes and goes as well. The point is to not hold on to it possessively, but to observe it all with gratitude.

because

There is something about hopelessness. I have held its hand so many times. I have felt that I take too long to change for my best. I have wondered whether I am even ambitious? I have concluded often that I am just floundering through life and that everyone else is doing great and have their lives in order while they laugh behind their hands at me, or worse, they see right through me. Then, to crown it all, just as I find the steps to receive a quarter of what everyone else seems to have effortlessly, even that seems too good for me. Yet I get up every day and find a glimmer of light. Some days the glimmer of light is created in my tears. This is what is meant to be alive, I tell myself, convincing myself that this deep pain inside of me that screams failure is not real. I am inside it perhaps, but light is also inside of me. I keep reminding myself. As long as I can think of something else, something more, something that can lead me out of despair, I am not down for the count.

I have written many times of the strong desire to come to this place to just express my feelings, and then when I get here, I am stalled or stopped. It can be so funny. I have to warm up and gradually get into a groove. Tonight I marvel at how much my husband (juliemangoman) meant to me. I got so galvanized in my feelings.I really didn't need another person to as its said, complete me. I am full enough with the story I wanted to tell myself. I was left alone so much with no one to bounce my thoughts against that it was so clear that no way was I in synchronicity with him. I am fascinated by how much one builds and threads together a perspective. You go on a little hint here and a past experience there and you embroider an entire life and moreso, expectation around little pieces of fluff. No amount of wanting and hoping can make something happen. It was maddening the way one day was good and then the next it was not. It is easy to see mow in hindsight,that any relationship has a degree of tenuousness to it. No guarantees at all, no matter how demure, pretty,sexy, bright or rich you may be.Sometimes you want to force something, your feelings are just out of control.Acting spontaniously has its moments. How do you get someone out of your head who changed the game? How do you balance a situation where it was amazing and also terrible to experience? This is the thing of great creativity. So much is fueled by such an experience. Have I written this much about anyone else? It doesn't seem so. But of course I have, because once things do not go as I expect I become an investigator. I have decided to not stifle this whole thing. I feel really exposed and stupid writing about him, but like I stated before, I feel so many contradictory ways and I just want to understand it.