My friends who were here for nine months because they got stuck when covid-19 happened. left day before yesterday for their home in New York. She has been writing me some delightful observations of her experiences now that she is back. She and her husband got in around the time that the presidential debates started. But they could not see it because their television cable was obviously off. The house felt damp and dusty at the same time. Getting back to their old life after leaving it to go on holiday with no plans to have been gone as long as they have had to be, has been the weirdest feeling. Getting right into cleaning became the obvious first step to an attempt at normalcy. She has a list of thirty five things she wants now that she is back home and I think that three=quarters of the list is food related. Lol. My friends have never been away anywhere for the length of time, and they have never been in my country for such a long period. Their being here was interesting for me to see my country through their eyes as well. If they could have stayed longer they would have. But they had to confront going home and dealing with their real lives.

This weekend my daughter and I spent time together and as always we had a lovely time.With her I take on every moment. It was also good because of two meetings, one in person and the other online. Can you imagine remembering what what you do really means to you from two simple experiences? That was my weekend. What it did was remind me of the curiosity, the joy of creativity...the hunches and the hopes. I looked around the large garage space that we have, A spae that I have been given to do my work, but I have hesitated because of how much what I do is more about a comfy cushioned seat. where I spread things out in an intimately orchestrated way. But I looked at it on Saturday and thought about it again. Then, a friend had a sympsium and listening to her work. I was inspired all over again. The excitment of the audacity to go out on a limb and work instinctively and through compulsion. Somehow the doubt goes, the process and the outcome instead are writ large. Being part of it....I remember.

and finally

The scariest thing about all that I am writing is the conclusion I have come to that I make everything happen. I make it by what I do and what I do not do. Sure I can dig into my history and all that. But what about how my mind works? Is it that I cause every single emotion to come out of me the way that it does? I set up every situation to achieve some bigger outcome so that I can have something to worry my mind about. As though I am distracting myself so I miss the bigger picture? The bigger picture being that slow road to inevitable death? WHy am I not filling my thoughts with roses and cash? Why?Lol? But seriously! I remember a friend of my ex-husband saying to him, don't make any sudden hand gestures...referring to a conference that he had to go to. The person was speaking about race and stereotyping at the time. Should I not make any sudden gestures that draw attention to my bigger, better, more hope filled self? Is it that I dont feel confident to be in my world? I have been given this body and live in this part of the world, and I have been given every advantage that I could have been given. So what is my issue? Is it that I am dissatisfied with what I have made? Have I really made anything of note? I could go on all day. I see that I have made the best decisions for my circumstances at every step. I have seen the countless times that a decision seemed like that hardest, toughest thing in the world to do. I have seen the way a decision seemed to be stacked against me. I have also seen a few times where a decision has opened up doors as if by magic. I am in this life and I think that it is a keeper. There is more curiosity, challenge and unknown ahead, and I shall read over this entry again in that future and I will add what I know then. I don't think that anyone is any different from me. We are all going through this unwinable struggle. We are all beautiful, tiny creatures. There is no Santa Claus.

more from before

It is a mind bender to consider that all that is happening is an illusion, even writing this. I saw how I look at the world for right and wrong when nothing actually IS. I used to get caught up with that by asking, but what about those who murder? The answer to that is that people will do things and their are consequences regardless. There are always a million varying choices being made every single day by every one of us. Some produce the lives that we dream about. But no one is exempt from facing challenges. You cannot run from challenges.Life is about living until you die. Why is it that so much of it is spent in such a ball of intensity? I am not doing life'wrong' I am doing life in the vein of my belief systems, expectations, memories and habits. I am as programmed as Photoshop. Lol. As an allegedly highly complex brain, I am made as we have made computers, a product of habit and pattern. I was actually thinking about writing a script about someone who has a death experience and goes through all of the lovely afterlife hase and then after awhile, after they see that they have chosen death and have been dead, they come to a realisation that death is not what they imagined it to be, it is another life and that life is filled with the complexities of dreaming, and it feels like something you can never get out of.no matter how conscious you try to be. In other words, it is a nightmare. I think that I shall explore that concept a bit when I have some time. So I get up this morning. I have had a crazy dream. But I know that it happened because of yesterday and also I am anxious about my next class although I should not be. That was my lesson for the day. Just stop trying to be this person trying to right everything. Just stop,

The centipede was happy quite...

I hope that I can get through this writing without muddling up myself. But something happened yesterday and I learned from it so profoundly that I have to record it. It was a combination of things. My Mother was not in the best of moods. She has always been one of those people, I should say both my parents have been people who never seemed to have problems of issues. The two major things that have happened with them have been solved by them as a couple putting their heads together and supporting the other. I truly admire my parents. So much so that I think that there have been times where I have felt that I could never live up to their exacting standards, but do not belong in a world where less than their standards exist. She was in a mood and she was taking it out on me. Most of the time that is something that I deal with and it doesn't make me feel it too deeply. Yesterday,I did. It had been so long since I had had such a reaction that I had to sit and think about what I was feeling. I had to pass through thoughts of wishing that I could disappear. It was that strong a reaction. Later in the evening, with great trust for myself, I slowly worked through the pain I felt and realised that wanting my parents love, now my mothers approval and love is something that is deeply enmeshed into my very sense of self. She was fretting about her wants versus her needs. As I stated before, this is a woman who never had to worry about money before, ever. Now with my dad's passing, she has to see to a number of policies he left and to his banking and other assets and with covid-19, everything is slow and she's had to go back to places more than twice and it is a mess. She is frustrated, and she will not change her spending habits, not that we are doing badly, it is just that the grief and the change can sometimes be too much, so obviously I sat and thought about all of that, and we are all living together. The house is big enough for us to not have to see each other if we don't want to. We can walk all around the house and feel as though we have travelled somewhere because of the configuration and the expanse of the garden. We are very fortunate indeed. But naturally there will be days when we are not going to have a great moment. My auntie behaved that way just a few days before. I realised that for some reason I internalized all of that as being DONE to me. People just flinging their dirty attitudes my way as though I was the rod to absorb it all. I got very upset very fast with my mother being the last straw. Now I see my part in all of that. I see that I like to solve problems, like to fix bad situations. I feel somehow responsible for making others 'happy' with me. I see that my anxieties, particularly about money may actually also be hinged to my parents and my mother and the expectations I may have mis-diagnozed or anayzed from childhood (remember the stealing Nun and the break ins to our home as a child!) When you have and others do not, you want to help everyone you can. You want to be friends too, and people are skittish with you. They don't know how to take it. Other people who have also behave the same way with you because they are skittish with what they also have. So you grow up in a bubble wondering how to move forward.I instantly focused on my emotions as a child. I felt things so much. I still do. I gave myself the task of bridging gaps, wanting to be useful and likable. That;s not a bad thing in itself. It was just a choice. That choice produces its range of options. If I choose differently, I will have that choices range of options.,,and on and on. No right answer, just an action and reaction.

sunlight can kill covid

My friends visited yesterday. They shall be travelling back to New York where they live in early October. They have been here ever since late January. They usually come every year, so they are basically natives. But this time around, they obviously never expected to have such a long stay. We had a great covid aware time. I discussed my neice yesterday and her situation with dating in these covid-19 times. It certainly is not business as usual. However, it brings up new ways to do things and to do them in a way that everyone is comfortable. I do not think that it slows down everything you do. You just become more aware of yourself and the other person. Every moment is hightened. I like the fact that I do not have to worry about driving, or about what to wear specifically for that day. Although for my classes, I have worn my working clothes from top to bottom, as that level of professionalism is to me, a great incentive to what I do. I am hoping that before the year ends, that I will have at least one or two extra things done in my arsenal of teaching processes. There are things that can be either on U-Tube or modulized in some way to add to how I presently do my work. I have always used PDF's, but now I want to do some sort of animated slideshowing. I like what is happening this month. I am getting somewhere. There is the book, the catalogue and exhibition pieces to do along with teaching. I can make plans! I can make plans!!! O yes!!! I am so happy about that!!!!

My neice is twenty-three and she is going on a date soon. She has had friendships with boys, but she's never actually dated. So she is champing at the bit to finally spend some time with someone she says her stomach dosn't flip over when she talks to him. Now that may sound odd. you want to have your tummy filled with butterflies. In her interpretation, she means chringing feeling. She has waited a very long time for some first experiences. and she felt comfortable enough to talk with me about it, and I am so flattered. I was letting her know that going out with someone at a time like this provides more stress than one would expect. She has to tell him to contact trace before they can meet. When they do meet, the both have to wear masks. They cannot hold hands. If you want to date during covid-19 you really cannot be cavalair about it. I think that it is a way to really seperate the serious from the joker. If they go for a walk, which may be the wisest thing to do, then they cannot really go to a restaurant to sit down, as everywhere is on a curbside system. I'd suggest a sightseeing walk. The next thinh is her mother, my sister. My sister is going to want to meet him, so it is best that she lets her meet him in the sitting room in the lobby. That way he can be comfortable and she can also feel less weird because my sister is going to grill him like a cheese sandwich. Perhaps the date should just happen in the lobby and be marked as the first one. My niece is such a sweety! She has had a remarkable life already, and she is gearing up to make the most of what she has. I love her to death! My daughter loves her too. They are so close. It is absolutely adorable when they get together. They are nine years apart, but that does not seem like a big gap with them. They share music and shows and talk about everything under the sun. As she ventures into new territory. I think that she shall take her time. But even if she doesn't. I know that she will learn a lot from the experience.