because

In a few hours my sister shall be having some serious surgery. Right now I am up doing some work and looking at a local film that I never got to see.She is doing something that she has wanted to do for some time, and although I feel a bit nervous about her decision, but we are all supporting her and will be on the phone with her until she has the proceedure and of course, after that. My sister's actions tell me about my decisions that seem big to me also. She is anxious, and she is making the steps. That is the way to go. One foot in front of the other. My little sister is an inspiration.

It's me, not you

Little things can cause so much illumination to changing big things. While I was talking to that same friend I have been writing about, I brought up to break in friendship with another person, and I walked right into the part I played in the demise of that relationship. I got that person into habit of relying on me to the point where the dependence irritated me beyond measure. I did speak up and tell her at the time and after that time about the impact her actions had on me. But today I see that I also gave her permission to believe that I was always available. I took for granted the type of friendship I shared with my best friend who passed away in 2010. We had a great symbiotic relationship. We did not tire of the other. We gave each other space, we talked often and met often and then had our own lives. I cannot really explain how it worked so very well, except to say that we nurtured what we had. I bring this up today because I believe that I have made the decision to leave well enough alone with some people this year, but of course I think about it. In so doing, I look at my part and what I do on my side. I don't know if I need to change my behaviour? I just have to be more in tuned with myself when I share my life with another person. I have set good boundaries by not continuing toxic behaviour from her. There is no question that I made the right decision. But I did give her bad habits as well.

also...this...

It may be watching the Tokyo 2020 games that causes this train of thought... AMBITION...some people have more or less a clear understanding of what they need to do to get from point A to B to Y. Life is happening along this trajectory and somehow, little by little, the results begin to show.For my profession, I find that my beliefs stemb towards making new pathways. So things like a promotion, or getting a P'hD or courting favors do not appear on my list of moves to get ahead. What are my moves to get ahead? Pretty much what I have been doing for decades, making work, getting work and doing my best to be a good saver. It isn't that I am not ambitious. I have been dealth a card or two that has led me to shrink my expectations and slow my plans. I would say that under the circumstances I am amazed at my attitude to still find myself excited about the works to come and keep me moving forward. I talk about eh Olympics but I think it may be a series that I have been looking at called Mysteries of the Abandoned. It is a fascinating series about structures that have been left to decay and discusses what they were used for and why. Of course a great deal of the architectural structures are from wars won and lost. It is shocking when you get the costs of so many of them. The figures are always in the billions or hundreds of millions of dollars in todays money. Many of them are left because a war has ended, or the technology changed so completely that the reason for the structure is no longer viable and is subsequently too costly to re-purpose or destroy. Seeing what looks like such waste, so much effort, so many people losing their lives to build tunnels into rock. Or to build steel bridges to nowhere, it oddly puts my own desires into perspective. We are all here for a short time. One day you are young and many days after you are very old. We all go in the same direction. I think that what is equally as important as having plans for your own accomplishments is also having accomplishments for your plans that have nothing to do with money. Those moments that are impossible to quantify are so important. I love when I am with my daughter for example and in the middle of a moment I know that I have captured the sublime and I just ride through it. Almost like a scent of lavender, or roses in the air. Or a butterfly floating by.

the pillow

The stalling my own efforts that I felt a few days ago is something that I am paying close attention to. I know that I plan and I focus and I get all that I need to get in gear. Yet, something, sometimes other responsibilities, other plans take my mind and abilities away from the attention needed for that goal. What this means is that I have to tighten my discipline even more. Most of all, make my timelines stricter when I see that other things are throwing me off of my goal. This matters to me so much because I find that every year the things that I would really love to see completed, I always put aside in favor of more pressing projects. Of course that makes sense. But now, I find that I want to make the time for them. I have done so in the last two years and covid-19 has helped. But, I got much further and then stopped again! Other things take prescidense. As I have already stated, I am going to really check myself about this! I want to accomplish much more and I have to break through to the other side.

more on discomfort II

My friend whom I mentioned in the last post contacted me the next day to ask for my help with an issue she was having.Her approach with things is always about results. Yet, this time, it was difficult to explain to her that she has some black and white beliefs that are practically impenetrable. I thin that the only way to have her believe something she does not know is to impress her with knowledge from people she respects.Only then does she not challenge you. It is so interesting to see the differences sometimes between creative thinking and theoretical thinking. I too love to solve puzzles and to amass facts. However, I have also seen many a time the way such ridged thinking does not always pay off. Again, I am finding 2021 fascinating for literally shaking off some old beliefs once and for all. An example I will use is one based on race conscious language that still holds today. So many people just parrot certain beliefs.If you challenge the perception, it is so thin in reality. You can just show by example the way that violence and fear is not about the color of any skin. Poverty is known by every race.Peel back the layers and you find those core issues.When you make that clear, a different conversation can begin.

...more on discomfort...

This year I am finding how much I strive for certain things and do not realise how close I sometimes am, or that I am already in the middle of those accomplishments. Sometimes you are busy thinking that you would be so much better off if and when a certain amount of money presents itself. Then sometimes you realise how much you are contradicting yourself with the very things that you think will make you happy. Also, trying to project ahead to next year and so on, particularly when covid-19 really shifted things so drastically, what now? Just for a moment it is essential to literally step away from yourself if you can. You just shut down all the noise and you allow yourself to put all of your usual constant thoughts on hold. You just ask yourself for this one moment to stop thinking in the supposedly ordered way that you are used to. It is worth listening to what comes through to you then. It is a bit like a video game or Sci-Fi movie. empty space at first and then a bunch of projectiles that are all vying for your attention and a return to what you always do. But you have to be a great Tennis player. Eventually you can latch on to a new or a different thought on your old way of thinking and you can follow that and then that leads you to somewhere new and even possibly a solution to some things that you can never fix with the same thinking. I will even go further...I ask myself, what script am I reading? What have I set up for my particular beliefs on what I deserve or expect and what IS?

Unreasonable Doubt

I am having an introspective moment of moments. A dear friend and I spoke tonight and she was very helpfully making me see how little I have to do to just get ahead with one or two things that I am doing. I have a habit of coming up with what is always some grand idea that I then pursue in my mind for hours, days, weeks and sometimes months and years. I go over and over in my mind all the variables. Sometimes I take action and I write down and sketch and scribble. Other times I go even further, creating prototypes and even testing things with tangible concepts literally in hand, and then .....they go nowhere. So, she is being helpful, and I am hearing myself sounding like I am flailing around trying to sound confident while my mind is reeling about what I did not accomplish. However, I did also listen. I listened to her, I listened to my insecurity and I listened to the silence too. Anything that feels untested and uncharted makes me always feel better to keep on the written page and not fully explored beyond a certain point. She was talking to me in a way that I talk to so many people who want my advice. I appreciated it.There is a block between me and what I want although I do do so many things that do not stall me at all. Some things I just do...yet, some things, I just don't finish. In all of this, I decided that I had to look at my flawed logic, or comfortabe positioning? It is all enough for me to pause for a moment and ask myself the pivotal question of what is my stall? She is telling me "just do it". I have told myself the same thing many a time. So what is it? I got an answer with our conversation. She was able to ask a question that pinpointed why I did not take one of my grand ideas as far as I could, after so much work. It turned out to be a small but very valid reason. Breaking down personal misconceptions is key here. I think it was all very helpful and I shall obviously write more on this as I see how it has assisted me going forward.