Happenstance

I was out the other day a few days before carnival. coming back from dropping my daughter off to school and i was not thinking of anything in particular when I just got a sort of message telling me about confidence. I saw how much it matters. now, one would say simply, of course it matters. We all know this. But the revelation for me is a combination of knowing and acting on what is known. I find that it takes time to get to a place where you know. But sometimes, as I had done many times as a child, I just knew. Not only did I know, I acted on the knowing. What excilleration whenever it befalls me. That day when the word came to me, I had one of many of those moments where I wished that I could just send the thoughts to this diary right away. If I were able to do so, much of the nuance that meant so much would not be lost only to be replaced with this writing. It shall have to do. I also thought that I would also follow other people in my family. Follow their perceived stories based on their past choices. It sounds so clinical...I wondered about where we begin...as my ex-husband and I did. Those early days that if I had been allowed to speak to myself in the guise of someone else to tell me the outcome, would I have changed a thing/ Probably not, as the outcome would not completely bother me if everyone turned out ok in the end. I might have asked whether we would remain friends. I think that it has been the deaths that have devastated. Those have torn me assunder. Those I did not see coming. Yet, I am grateful for the time that was given and used as we used it. So, i was looking at other people's lives and wondering about their trajectory/ Did they think that they got everything wrong/ Did they consider that they made a wrong step or went down the wrong path/ It is highly likely. But, consider all that was also gained by not taking the constantly trodden roads.Consider too the wealth of learning befalling the change in perspective that you would never have saught if you got all that you wanted.

encounter

My ex-husband's plans for everything to go smoothly when he left the country and arranged for my daughter and I to stay at his home....is (as expected) full of holes. Being in his home has taken an adjustment. I have not had to communicate with him much. But yesterday was an exception in terms of back and forth writing.This has brought me here today because I have a predicament. This four month stay would be best handled as many men consider with women...ie: silence. I do not want to communicate with him because he doesn't know how to do it. He now wants to adjust the arrangement, which I knew he would do. In fact, it is all of his usual stupid moves that irk me so, so I have to do something about that. One of the moves is his trying to show me that he is in some kind of control over the situation. That can be simply dealt with as I did recently with the first presentation made by him . I aquiesced. It was nothing to allow. But his need to control me is maddening! I want to scream!!!

Eureka

I just pushed that whole mindset to the side and had a beautiful revelation of myself stepping past the doorway of negativity....everything I have ever held to about unworthiness , disappointment, failure or whatever else I want to call it. It was glorious! So glorious. I actually saw to the other side....instantly I was free. thank you.

A friend of mine called to let me know that she is house sitting for a month. She said that she had really wished that she could get away from all of the drama going on at her own place. So when suddenly she got the call to look after the person's dog, she took it. I like the way that my friend manifests her needs and wants. She is a very focused person. Her work consists of environmental, mystical and emotional content, so this is just an extension of who she is and I dig the optimism.

My other side

Being in this house as I wrote before is like living with a ghost. I have moments when I feel as though I have gone bac in time. It isn't anything specific. It is a hovering sensation. I feel like all I can do is hold still and pretend that it isn't there and it will pass by like a cloud. Then there is also an awareness that my reaction is clearly a remnant of something I thought I had expunged. That is a but annoying. But then, I also see that it factors into a place that I never wanted it to reside in and that is insecurity. I know this because right after I stop playing that song on repeat, the next one is a litany of views that I battle with about myself that come up in rapid fire. Seeing what I am doing, the way that I am behaving, I centre myself and let it pass over me and I replace those feelings with what I am doing now.

On the other side

It has been five days since moving to my ex husband's house to take care of our daughter. It has caused she and I a slew of emotions beginning with being quite thrown by the way he chose to handle the matter. I also have found nostalgia kicking my ass until I was summerily kicked elsewhere this afternoon. He has not written to me to tell me that he has arrived. He is moving true to form. But before he left both he and my daughter got covid. In the last two days she has been complaining about shortness of breath. I have been monitoring her and doing everything that should be done for such a maledy. This afternoon she had a meeting with the Psychologist she has been seeing for a few years and I finally met her. She called my ex husband about my daughter's breathing and he then wrote to our daughter asking how she was. I have been so burned by that man that I am writing in a paranoid way about the entire thing. However, it triggered me because it seemed that he is planning to behave as though our daughter is living on her own, and the Psychologist didn't tell me anything but called him. I spent a few minutes feeling some kinda way about all of this. I really observed myself doing my best not to spiral into a place of serious doubt about simply everything. Was he going to spend the next four months pretending that I do not exist while doing what he wants? I felt trapped, tricked and angry. Then, fortunately I got a grip. Lately I have found a strategy for triggers....I say to myself how far are you wondering from your target? Why am I being distracted? That has helped tremendously and I used it and was so much better after for it.

new path

In a few days I shall be writing from a different house. I have been doing my best to not think about it too much, as it shall be a change that is twelve to thirteen weeks long. However, the same way that I can fill my time with a certain anxiety, I also fill my mind with all of the things that I want to experience with my daughter. For the first time in five years and really...ever....I shall have her on my own for the longest stretch of time. When I had her more, he still managed to take up her weekends. I see us doing a lot of walking and talking. The weather has been very wet, but there is the opportunity to do that nonetheless. We can plan our weekends together. There is the proximity to both the zoo and to the botanical gardens, lots of food places and other types of entertainment. There is the opportunity to teach her how to do all of the things that a young girl soon to be an adult must know to do, and there is a chance to just give her all the hugs and kisses and proper attention that she so deserves way more than she's had. But also, for me, it is an opportunity to go in a brand new direction with my other work and that too is exciting for me.