existential thoughts

What I was feeling while my two friends talked shop was the feeling of being close to where I would like to go and better. The last time this was the case I was in Glasgow. In my field there are millions of people hoping and for successes of all kind. One of the conversations I had with my friend was the fact that the Arts in our country is not affixed to activism and should be, This has resonated with me because a lot of my work is hinged in it. It is sort of strange to be in such an orbit...I want my work to be seen. I want to make more work and of course I want it to sell well and to create a legacy. I had that usual wobbly feeling of where am I in the context of this experience where it seems that the two parties are successful and uber aware of where they are going, and I am a bystander to it all, so I feel weird. I was talking with a friend the day before about women in our profession...where are the exceptional ones in terms of powerful work.

So much was learned today.It began with a very different and good experience with the hairdresser who did a home visit. Her perspective on a variety of subject matter was refreshing and informative. Then I decided to go for a new look, I have not done that in ages! I went out later with two friends and at first I began to feel a bit intimidated as they were talking a lot of shop. But then I decided that I was not part of the conversation by chance.One of the things being spoken about was the challenges associated with getting work sold. We then left his shop and went to a restaurant that I have always liked, but had not been to in years. We had very invigorating conversation. I ended up telling my friend that yet again we needed to do what we were discussing as a podcast.Now written it doesn't sound remarkable...but I know that my mind felt massaged and illuminated today.

post, post

I am back. I am refocused. Thank you.

Different day

Unlike the last few days, I am fresh faced and bushy tailed. I am smelling the roses and seeing the horizon as past the hurricane. I got here through patience and that old optimism. As Dane Cook the Comedian said in one of his acts, after crying your eyes out you have to get better again. This is so true. Today I can write that I am now focused as I was doing before the crisis and triggering.

A word came to me as I was about to go to bed last night. That word was dissatisfaction. I feel that most of the time. I believe that that was one of the things that connected my ex husband and I as a mentor of ours had said to me decades ago. He said we were tied by misary. When he had made that statement, I was naturally offended.At the time he was my boyfriend, and I listened to his story with an ear of wonder and wanting to comfort him. But now, I see that connector. I see it because I am always at odds with myself. I cannot recall a time where I was satisfied with myself fully. I am also so conscious about everything to do with me. The way that I look. What I say. How I feel. I worry constantly about putting the right foot forward in a conversation. What happened last week really set an example for me to be more mindful of and challenged everything that I think that I am. This year I have also had a moment where I questioned whether I should just quit my field! I was just overwhelmed and devastated by the constant juggling to make ends meet. Even as I write right now, I know that I shall not ultimately achieve what I set out to in my psycho-analysis because I am writing from within a framework of so much bias and hurt that the most I can expect is to observe this and to do my best to do better. Does dissatisfaction help propel me forward? Perhaps? It has its advantages. Without it I may become so set in my ways, so comfortable that I might not strive to do better.

one more thing

after all of that griping, there is a sense of resiliance. There are no guarantees. I am proof of that. But also, there are no endings as long as you decide to change the story, the game, the thinking...whatever you want to call it. At my age, I can look back and remember what I was thinking when I was starting out. I can see how I put my footing. How I dealt with failure aplenty. I cannot then say that that is all that I am if I am truthful. I am way more than a one act. I feel down today and I will feel down again. But guess what, even within the down the up is always somewhere close.

...and so...

As I take care of myself, I take a moment to mull over the statement...TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I sometimes find myself quite moved by someone saying 'I' or 'Me.' It sounds so poignant to me. I marvel at the self possession of those pronouns. It tells me that there is a nurtured side to all of 'us'. Here we are, in this world at this time and 'we' believe that we are who we identify ourselves to be and we use a simple monacher to make it clear. I almost want to walk alongside a person and say 'we' and 'I' to their 'we' and 'I'. As 'I' too. It is delightful. It is an assurance in an unassured world. But, going back to what started this very longpost...in my trauma and my reaction to my friend/colleague...I had a flash back as well as a gradual coming forward, and in coming forward I was a bystander to myself. I saw how I react to certain things. I saw how I was wrong, or oblivious at times. It all felt as though my naivity was only a few years old instead of decades of my existance. Young, yet old...knowledgeable yet absolutely clueless. I can always cut others some slack...myself...not at all. I do this because I want slack cut for myself. Today I even felt weary about putting yet another desire into the world. I find that I ask for a hundred and I get like one percent. It is said that you must shoot for the moon to get that one hundred. So I wondered about whether my mindset is the cause of my one percent? It has to be? When I see so much success coming from everyone else around me, it has to be me who never got the rule book or memo or hints. ...but again...I am going down another road that I cannot navigate today. So I shall leave the footnotes here for another time. This may most likely read like a seesaw. I am up and then I am down, and this is what I am trying to come to terms with, this war with myself. These 'people' who are having all of their wild successes...I think that they just set their intentions and things work. I don't think that I cannot do that too. I just have to not be so splintered...too much of my resources are being used. I am heamorriging as it were. I must conserve my energy for the things that can benefit me. I am too drained...I cannot be of my best when I am doing so many things trying to make ends meet and none of the ends are catching....that's it for now...I wrote a lot, and I have much more to consider...but for now...this is what I have to type here.