...and so...

As I take care of myself, I take a moment to mull over the statement...TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I sometimes find myself quite moved by someone saying 'I' or 'Me.' It sounds so poignant to me. I marvel at the self possession of those pronouns. It tells me that there is a nurtured side to all of 'us'. Here we are, in this world at this time and 'we' believe that we are who we identify ourselves to be and we use a simple monacher to make it clear. I almost want to walk alongside a person and say 'we' and 'I' to their 'we' and 'I'. As 'I' too. It is delightful. It is an assurance in an unassured world. But, going back to what started this very longpost...in my trauma and my reaction to my friend/colleague...I had a flash back as well as a gradual coming forward, and in coming forward I was a bystander to myself. I saw how I react to certain things. I saw how I was wrong, or oblivious at times. It all felt as though my naivity was only a few years old instead of decades of my existance. Young, yet old...knowledgeable yet absolutely clueless. I can always cut others some slack...myself...not at all. I do this because I want slack cut for myself. Today I even felt weary about putting yet another desire into the world. I find that I ask for a hundred and I get like one percent. It is said that you must shoot for the moon to get that one hundred. So I wondered about whether my mindset is the cause of my one percent? It has to be? When I see so much success coming from everyone else around me, it has to be me who never got the rule book or memo or hints. ...but again...I am going down another road that I cannot navigate today. So I shall leave the footnotes here for another time. This may most likely read like a seesaw. I am up and then I am down, and this is what I am trying to come to terms with, this war with myself. These 'people' who are having all of their wild successes...I think that they just set their intentions and things work. I don't think that I cannot do that too. I just have to not be so splintered...too much of my resources are being used. I am heamorriging as it were. I must conserve my energy for the things that can benefit me. I am too drained...I cannot be of my best when I am doing so many things trying to make ends meet and none of the ends are catching....that's it for now...I wrote a lot, and I have much more to consider...but for now...this is what I have to type here.