Congratulations

Tonight I don't want to fight with or about my husband. Instead I want to boast and to preen and to feel very happy about him and the fact that he's finally finished with his studies and feels very good about himself.
I am very proud of him and I wish that I could hug and kiss him. but instead I sent him a short note of congratulations.

I prefer this feeling.

Much Ado about much

Last night the phone wrang and it was my husband, sounding very pleasant on the other side of the line. The pleasantness did not last very long however when he began to harang me again about how long I would be back for.
After many hanging up moments on my side, I eventually told him that the conversation could not continue and that it would be best for us to discuss the matter some other time.
He emailed me a few hours after that with a much more sober, caring response.

I have discussed this so much that I have blunted the meaning of everything, and even worse, I react emotionally all the time to what he says to me.

I am writing all about everything that goes on here, so that I can somehow get a handle on what to do and how to do it.

I feel so embarrassed to be so weak! Today when I spoke to my friend Stephen, he told me that he thinks that my husband and I sound more like two people trying to one up the other in some childish contest. That is not my intention at all. I have heard that I have to put my foot down and this has been my own conclusion as well.

Why can't I see clearly for myself? Why does this thing make me feel so incompetent and scared?

The answer is simple, your husband knows how to manipulate you. he is using scare tactics and they work on you very well.

If this were not happening to me, but to someone else, I think that I would be so annoyed and bored by now with the person's behavior. I would possibly have told them to make a decision and stick to it, that they couldn't sit on the fence indefinately, and that if they wanted this whole shitty matter to work at all, they would have to develop some fucking backbone!

I am tired of this!

I keep waffling, saying that I want certain things and then reacting whenever my husband says something that makes rubs me the wrong way.

As my cousin reminded me last night, because he called right after I hung up with my husband, this is up to me. Not up to him, and that has been something that I just keep not getting. I keep giving up my power to him because I somehow feel that I am somehow not responsible or not capable. I use language like, this is his dream, he want's to do this. I divorce myself form the responsibility of the thing emotionally.

I really must make a concerted effort to be not only mindful of when and how I willingly give my power away, but also to the fact that I will not die or be disrespected if I stand up for myself.

Am I usually such a wimp normally? No.
So why here?
This man has known me my whole adult life. he knows my weaknesses,and yes, I know his as well.

I have to return home and stand my ground about what we need to do next. We have to move together as a family if we want things to work.

Urgent views

This afternoon my uncle told me that I needed to call my husband's relatives. When I did, I was very surprised to hear the urgency in the voice of his cousin. She is completely against my coming back to Canada empty handed. Her views are very explicit and passionate. I am sure that my husband shall be quite shocked by her attitude if she lets him stay with them! It is actually that serious! She does not support his views at all.
I have gotten many opinions about what is going on in my life. In some way, I am very grateful for the information. I believe that I cannot have not suffered for it. However, as the time draws close to going back, the decision is mine.
Here is how I see it as opposed to what it is to the other party ie. My husband.
I am going to discuss the plans as they stand. Even as I write that, I feel his resistance already.
We have not been speaking, so have I already made a tactically negative move?
I have been told even in my dreams that this man will not change. If that is the case, the problem is one of planning for our child's future separately.It also means that I owe him nothing, and do not have to go anywhere without her again!
It is that simple.
The only way that I would even consider coming back to Canada without her, would be in the instance that I am doing so for our family. That is the only reason to do it. Nothing else.
I have to admit, his cousin's words and the energy of the no calling and the arguing when we do speak, takes its toll and right now I feel like backing down from writing another word about this whole situation!
I am trying to do alot of things with my return. Can I do them all? I do not know. I have never had this experience? I do not know what to expect and to me that is helpful because it gives me hope.
I cannot set out with a defeatest attitude. I have to keep my energy high, my plans clear, my heart open, and my eye on the prize.

Discouraged (courage)

In my musings about what I shall do when I return home, I have built up several scenarios. The first being that I must do all that I do from a position of positive courage and strength. I have heard so much of what I am likely to be told before, so I have the element of familiarity and that is an advantage.
I am dealing with pig headed people, people used to their own way. What they all do not expect is for me to be strong and to stand my ground. That is the wild card.
This week it seems that my husband and I have the same view of the other. I have not written to him and he has not written to me either. He is very good at negativity. In fact his Ph'D should be in that.
I am amazed at how much negative energy he puts into his day and his life! This is not the man whom I met so long ago. He was always a bit negative, but he was also so smart and optimistic. It is true that he must feel a bit beaten down by life, but life is a maliable thing and is dependent on what you put into it.
He has been positive when I have felt hopelessly negative as recently as a year ago. Because of what I plan to do when i return, i can see him very differently now. Instead of focusing on the person of the moment, if I cast my mind back to all that I see that is good, it makes it easier to deal with him, because I know that he is really a good person under all of that rough exterior. unfortunately he is very familiar with anger and being unkind.
One might ask, then why go into the belly of the beast?
Well right now, I feel like David to his Goliath.
I have seen his strength and his moves and it is now time to make my own.

On a minor note.....

I went to the library yesterday and I got the first two Alexander Mc Call Smith, Sunday Philosopher's Club books. SO I stopped reading the last one and have plowed into reading the first one instead.


ahhhh, little pleasures, how they make one smile.

Hesitation

This morning and yesterday my mind has been racing with a number of what if scenarios. It would be funny in another matter. I keep having to remind myself that I do not know how I shall proceed when I get home. What I do know is that I shall not be working from a place of observation and smallness anymore. Here is my opportunity to literally lay down the law and to stand my ground.I shall be doing so from a place of positivity, with no expectations, but the genuine one in my heart.
That is all that can be expected from me.
I have opinions, I have views, and I have to say what is on my mind instead of going along and hoping for the best.

the obligations of life

I am reading the Alexander Mc Call Smith, Isabel Dalhousie Series, and I am sorry that after reading the first one, I now have the third one with two that I should have read before, because now that I know what happened, I shall have to read them backwards. But I am glad to read this one. I didn't like the first book at all. But I loved the images of Scotland. I could see Smith trying to bring the same sort of sensibility and sensitivity from the No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency Series, to this group of books.

I started this entry, not to review the series, but to comment of cause on something that the writer talks about, that is happening between two of his characters. The older woman and the younger man. She is a philosopher and a writer, and she is mindful of her young lover's feelings when he asks her to marry him. She gives him an out because she knows that his wanting to marry her has to come from a place where he really wants to do so, and not from a place of obligation.

This is such a big part of our relationships. Here I am, feeling all sorts of emotions about my own life.
As I have tried to take a rest from my issues, and so to it seems has my husband (he has not contacted me at all) I have been toying with ways to poke at it from a distance. Sort of like literally with a long stick, looking at it's underside.

It sort of helps me look at it anew in a way. I can almost look at it without ego and raw emotions.
I see myself just standing up and confronting everyone who comes into my path with my needs clearly stated.
I certainly have nothing to lose. I have heard every type of criticism there is.
For too long, I have felt that I have no power, no say. Then I thought of myself as having some economic power, but I knew that that was besides the point. It didn't seem to make a dent on the matter, and the person standing with that perceived power and not having it acknowledged or feeling it as true, really has none, because all the power in the world with no love is not really rewarding is it?

I also recalled today the past when I was just so tired and my feelings were waning. I now wish that I had known that they could return with gusto. But are they here for a swan song? I am so aware of waiting time! My concern is that I should spend this time wisely. But there is the ego again.
I will not know anything until I go boldly into the night.