Much Ado about much

Last night the phone wrang and it was my husband, sounding very pleasant on the other side of the line. The pleasantness did not last very long however when he began to harang me again about how long I would be back for.
After many hanging up moments on my side, I eventually told him that the conversation could not continue and that it would be best for us to discuss the matter some other time.
He emailed me a few hours after that with a much more sober, caring response.

I have discussed this so much that I have blunted the meaning of everything, and even worse, I react emotionally all the time to what he says to me.

I am writing all about everything that goes on here, so that I can somehow get a handle on what to do and how to do it.

I feel so embarrassed to be so weak! Today when I spoke to my friend Stephen, he told me that he thinks that my husband and I sound more like two people trying to one up the other in some childish contest. That is not my intention at all. I have heard that I have to put my foot down and this has been my own conclusion as well.

Why can't I see clearly for myself? Why does this thing make me feel so incompetent and scared?

The answer is simple, your husband knows how to manipulate you. he is using scare tactics and they work on you very well.

If this were not happening to me, but to someone else, I think that I would be so annoyed and bored by now with the person's behavior. I would possibly have told them to make a decision and stick to it, that they couldn't sit on the fence indefinately, and that if they wanted this whole shitty matter to work at all, they would have to develop some fucking backbone!

I am tired of this!

I keep waffling, saying that I want certain things and then reacting whenever my husband says something that makes rubs me the wrong way.

As my cousin reminded me last night, because he called right after I hung up with my husband, this is up to me. Not up to him, and that has been something that I just keep not getting. I keep giving up my power to him because I somehow feel that I am somehow not responsible or not capable. I use language like, this is his dream, he want's to do this. I divorce myself form the responsibility of the thing emotionally.

I really must make a concerted effort to be not only mindful of when and how I willingly give my power away, but also to the fact that I will not die or be disrespected if I stand up for myself.

Am I usually such a wimp normally? No.
So why here?
This man has known me my whole adult life. he knows my weaknesses,and yes, I know his as well.

I have to return home and stand my ground about what we need to do next. We have to move together as a family if we want things to work.