the obligations of life

I am reading the Alexander Mc Call Smith, Isabel Dalhousie Series, and I am sorry that after reading the first one, I now have the third one with two that I should have read before, because now that I know what happened, I shall have to read them backwards. But I am glad to read this one. I didn't like the first book at all. But I loved the images of Scotland. I could see Smith trying to bring the same sort of sensibility and sensitivity from the No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency Series, to this group of books.

I started this entry, not to review the series, but to comment of cause on something that the writer talks about, that is happening between two of his characters. The older woman and the younger man. She is a philosopher and a writer, and she is mindful of her young lover's feelings when he asks her to marry him. She gives him an out because she knows that his wanting to marry her has to come from a place where he really wants to do so, and not from a place of obligation.

This is such a big part of our relationships. Here I am, feeling all sorts of emotions about my own life.
As I have tried to take a rest from my issues, and so to it seems has my husband (he has not contacted me at all) I have been toying with ways to poke at it from a distance. Sort of like literally with a long stick, looking at it's underside.

It sort of helps me look at it anew in a way. I can almost look at it without ego and raw emotions.
I see myself just standing up and confronting everyone who comes into my path with my needs clearly stated.
I certainly have nothing to lose. I have heard every type of criticism there is.
For too long, I have felt that I have no power, no say. Then I thought of myself as having some economic power, but I knew that that was besides the point. It didn't seem to make a dent on the matter, and the person standing with that perceived power and not having it acknowledged or feeling it as true, really has none, because all the power in the world with no love is not really rewarding is it?

I also recalled today the past when I was just so tired and my feelings were waning. I now wish that I had known that they could return with gusto. But are they here for a swan song? I am so aware of waiting time! My concern is that I should spend this time wisely. But there is the ego again.
I will not know anything until I go boldly into the night.