new leaf

My ex husband wrote me a very touching letter recently. I read it and just sat contemplating it. I was so surprised that I did not know what to think. It felt a bit like my interpretation of the way that Russia and the United States must have felt after they both looked at the other post arms race. It is presumptuous of me to compare, but it felt like a huge shift had taken place, and finally I could replace certain thoughts that had become outmoded with new ones. To me that is no small thing. I have waited for the day for a very, very long time, and now that it is finally here, It is bitter sweet. Finally I can make plans without the wretched thought of reprisal upon me. There is much to be said for someone making certain that they make your life unbearable. Yet, I have had to forgive him at the same time in order to move forward. I feel also that I can finally, finally make plans related to myself for a change.Almost a decade in a quagmire of sorts. Now, I can remove the gossamer view that seemed to separate me from what i desire to do. I took a long time and I am not going back. I learned so much and I am armed with new knowledge. .......... I am setting a course. It consists of moving along as quickly as I can to keep my debts down and my savings on a steady course. The world has been so crazy. The latest issue with Great Britain leaving the European Union would attest. There is so much uncertainty. What do I know for sure? I can certainly say that although money is very important, so is the need to create legacies...It is important for me to build my own value system...create the paths that interest me and can help not only myself but others as well. I have had a few great projects come into my life and I have pursued them and I continue to do so. I no longer feel that my dreams are pie in the sky ones. I am not afraid to be unsure. I am no longer focused on thinking that I cannot accomplish certain things because I do not have the or that to do so. Today the girl I met at the market called me. She had some disparaging things to say about two people I know, and as she spoke I saw that her perspective comes from a place of ignorance. She is interested in getting ahead with some work f hers, and she has made efforts to help herself at any means necessary, including walking into the offices of business people and staying until she can get some sort of support. I say, if you can do it and it works, then by all means. However, she does not seem to realize or care that for certain things, there is a process. She does not take advice at all. I got her to think about doing more work, so that was good, but it had to be said in a manner that made her receptive. But to be fair to her, she dead with chronic pain and lots of financial uncertainty, and she reminds me of my own issues in the past, so I have a soft spot for her abrasive character. I write about her tonight because we all take different routes to getting where we need to be.I remember years ago complaining about my salary only to find out that it was way higher than some people I know. I felt so badly afterwards. But the truth as I now know it, is that you can always do better when you know better. To me, educating yourself, having a plan and following that plan through works for me. Whatever works for her, she clearly knows what it is. Who am I to stall her progress, even when i think that she is like a bull in a China shop? ............. We all want to do well. We want our money to be a security blanket. We want to be able to have a few things of our own. We all want love and friendship and laughter and vacations. I am so mindful now of living now and not getting bogged down in complaining and missing the present..and the present is named that for a reason. ............ My child was talking to me about college, and I thought about my expenses over the next few years and how old I will be. I believe that it is important to gift my child with the knowledge that although the world may seem a scary place, there is no need to be fearful within it. My role as the parent is to bring confidence, ability to think critically and on your feet...having a sense of fairness and regard...being yourself and thinking for yourself. All of this matters to me as a parent to my child. The things I want to gift, are things that I believe and hope shall serve in the best way for a future I have no knowledge of. ............ I have spent an awfully long time worrying about what money I do have, and about the things that I do not have. Now, I have worried them out of favor with my plans.

As things heat up with my personal work, I have one or two new projects on the horizon to begin to prepare for. In so doing, I realize that I now need a bigger space to be in. I am going to also spend some time again on a very old project that I have started and stopped at least seven or eight times over the years. It is such a strange thing, I have longed to see it completed, but that very fact that I don't is caused by wanting it to look very specific. At the talk that I did two nights ago with some other colleagues, I was asked twice to start writing more publicly. That was nice to hear, but I also realize that I gave the host an ok on what she read about me, and I left out so much of what I do, it was silly. But at the time, I felt that because of the forum,I didn't need to toot my own horn. I feel that finally I am coming into my own. I am seeing my direction. What's funny is that, it may not look like much on the outside. But because I know what I want to do, I am no longer thinking the way I used to. I have worked very hard to shift my way of thinking, and I have seen it pay off. For so long, I had a certain mindset. I knew that I had my beliefs that mattered to me, and then, I had the beliefs of my family, my supposed superiors and then the world at large that comes at you as popular culture. I have fortunately always felt a twinge of discomfort to things that fit too well. I am also distrustful of information that people parrot as though it were fact. When I encounter such things, my breathing slows down and I instantly find myself filling the information away to research just how true the conversation is. Without that, I think that the world would be completely unbearable for me. That, and of course choosing a creative career. I have also begun to just feel grateful for where I am and what I am doing. I have always said that I regret that I did not enjoy the moment more when I see old pictures of myself. Now, after facing the losses I have, I know that it is time to find my way again. Or at least to better. I spent a great deal of time saying that I cannot do certain things because I needed the money to do them. That was not untrue, but there were also so many things that I could do that do not take up a lot of money or any money at all. I need to focus more on doing and less on limitations, and I have been doing that. It's a good day, and I have good thoughts about everything now.

intrigue

I had a lengthy chat with a male friend of mine today about a number of things. We are working on a project together, so we are constantly in close proximity. We have chatted on this subject before, but this time we were able to explore the topic a lot more. Some of the things he mentioned has me curious. We both concluded that the world is such a contradictory place. But what I will also state here, is that as long as a person perceives things a certain way and only looks for the same in others, the likelihood of seeing anything else possibly is dim at best. In this instance, my friend stated that he wished that he could be rid of his sexual desires. I found this a dramatic statement and asked him why he felt that way. It seems that his experiences have not been the best. He attracts women with dependency issues. On a side note, I think I shall tell him to search himself and find out whether he attracts what he fears most or is? That way, if he works at it within himself, he may stop attracting such women. He is presently so far gone that he tells me that he is willing to pay for sex instead of having a relationship. He says that to him, most men need much more sex than they get from their partners. and...here's the shocker, he believes that women see sex as 'degrading'. Waw! That's a lot to take in. Now this is a very nice guy. He isn't even thirty seven yet, and already he is thinking this way! That blows my mind! Then, he went further to say that there is also the issue of incompatibility between men and women. He believes that many men do not even bother to try to have conversations with their girlfriends or wives about their real sexual desires for fear of insult, rejection or indifference. I have heard this from one or two other men I know...there is the whole thing about women wanting romance and men wanting sex, and I brought that up as the compromise. We both were also conscious of starting out with little suggestions and compromises leading to big compromises...would the requests never end? Suppose the desires bordered on the truly bizarre or painful, homo-erotic or truly deviant? What then? I know that this shall not be the last we shall speak of this, but I believe that his views, though relevant to him, are largely the product of both his experiences and his hard wiring by his parents and others closest to him.

strung together

RANDOM thoughts....a friend of mine has been extremely distressed about her children. I have been as all friends should be, a listening ear...but I could not help hearing something different this time...misery loves more and more and more of itself. My friend was so caught up in feeling the very worst, that I practically could not shake her out of it. So tonight I am writing a series of good thoughts as a balance to what I listened to today. ......... Buying myself flowers....having them on the table where I work...listening to soothing music all day long...drinking water with some lemon or mint...having a plate of tomatoes, sweet peppers, olives, dates, cauliflower....a bowl of cranberries...a soft pillow at my back...my book of positive quotes read at any spot...dark blue glass of rum punch...painting my toenails...a long bath...a massage with scented oil...smiling at a memory or two...hugs and kisses...crystals hanging at eye level...feeling contentment...fresh fruit...a green drink...sand underfoot at the beach...breeze...nakedness...touching tentatively...wrapped in a beach towel...running...holding hands...cold water...cup of coffee...unwrapping something that I wanted...Lush soaps...Lavender...Roses...Lemons...Grass...Rain...Chocolate...M&M Chocolate Candle..cinnamon...mint...marshmallows...oranges...great conversation...cashmere...silk...wood grain...Architecture...Eames chairs...Le Corbusier's chaise lounge in pony...handmade objects...leather bags...diaries...Balinese umbrella...small brass elephants...large throw pillows in hot pink...dark blue...dark green...lime green...orange...blue red....paintings...love letters...personalized stationary...ribbon...scented ink and Italian handblown pens...tassles on keys...pearls of every hue...coral earrings...love and laughter...the horizon and puffy clouds...traveling...pressing flowers in a diary...reading an excellent book...a bowl of pomeracs...lazy days...no worries...outdoor eating by the beach...or with friends in a back yard...swimming naked...a great view and complete privacy...sexy text messages...a long scenic walk...salads...fresh juices...LOVE...LOVE...LOVE...eye contact...dimples...jokes...silence...feet in a thick rug...the nights sky...

I am finding out more and more that for some things I feel socially awkward. I am not too different from my mother who is always busy doing so many things, and I criticize this way of being because it means that some things just do not get done. Yet, I am falling into that pattern again, trying to burn my candle from every end. In my instance it is because so many things interest me, and I want to get them done. But this is about my feeling unusual or finicky with some aspects f my life. Enough time has passed for me to be able to say that I would really like to be able to go at my own pace and not feel that I have to do this or that because it is what I should be doing according to some unseen dictate. I do not think that I come across as though I do, but still, I feel that way at times. Then there is the matter of feeling tired, missing the people in my life whom I felt closest to, and finding that there is just no substitute for them. I have made new friends, but I have not felt that I can be completely myself with them. Everyone who hs come into my life in the last decade are acquaintances, colleagues...not real, real friends. PerhapsI have been stand-offish? I am out of sorts tonight. Some sleep till be my tonic, I know. Yet, amidst all of my belly aching, I have promised myself something much more important and that is to nurture my best thoughts and that is what I will and must do.

I have come a long way. When I think back to the amount of energy I dispelled toward men,I cringe. I feel as though I made my life revolve around them. As I have deliberately worked on a few things this year, leading me here, I am so satisfied with myself now that I can see with confidence that I have put all of those dead thoughts behind me. I did it by doing much soul searching and real hard mental work. I started by understanding that I had a tendency to get into a lot of negative self talk that would go on and on. I knew that my ego was the culprit. I began filling my thoughts with new experiences and new information. The more vivid, the better. Then I began being more open to what I was listening to and picking up on the unsaid with greater awareness of what it meant. I also began to notice that my desires changed. I began to remember mown needs and my own goals as something to put first. Those small adjustments have gone a long way to helping me move forward in a way that I should. I presently have been going to bed and waking up with my mind ONLY on what I would like to experience in my life, particularly where my next steps need to be regarding my career. I am now planning on following that up with more allowances for 'new' sensations about seeing myself achieving the things I want to achieve. ....................................... I am thinking of getting married this year on my birthday.It shall be a very important experience for me, because my thought is to marry myself. I shall be looking for a ring, and I have decided to write myself some vows-: I promise to love myself and be kinder and gentler to myself. I promise to take care of my mind, heart and spirit with good things...so within so without. I promise to listen to my body and my minds needs and to take my temperature at all times, not to be dogmatic, but to hold myself to account for my actions, as I endeavor to respond to things in my life from a place of balance. I promise to forgive myself for my transgressions without hateful, negative self talk. Above all, I love myself because I am. ..................................... A mountain top shall do, or any space that is wide and pristine would suit me. I would make myself something simple, yet special. I would invite those closest to me to share in my marriage. I would have a small, intimate reception where I would encourage my guests to embrace love and loving themselves as well. I would have a Nun at my ceremony. ..................................... I am considering this very seriously, particularly because, after all that I have been through, it seems that that is what has been missing in my life. I believe that my symbolic act shall bring me great personal satisfaction and alignment. By doing this for myself and no one else, I would be declaring myself as independent and free to really be me. .....................................

Pure

There was a point where I had a hard time reconciling whether my life would mean anything without certain things that I saw as symbols of success and happiness. But lately,with patience and a greater awareness of other ways of seeing, I know that i was boxing myself in. Also, part of my brief system had a lot to do with my experiences and the environment. I now have a completely different view on what was once a conundrum. Now I see the opportunity to make of my life whatever I choose to make of it. I do not have to fit in...hell, I never fit in anyway, so to have had this stump me is truly odd of me. I recall several years ago when a favorite tree in Ellerslie was cut down, I felt bereft. It has also happened with a few historical landmarked houses as well. One day they are here, and like no bodies business, gone the next. That helped put into perspective my nostalgia. Last week, The Towers invited me to his second home in the hight of The Valley. It was an amazing experience. For the first time I chose to suspend any expectations and enjoy being in the moment. He seemed to feel the same way because everything was easy going with o pressure whatsoever. I was so grateful for that. But more importantly, because for once it felt like two friends enjoying the environment, I felt completely liberated and more so,mentally free. It got me to thinking that that is a big part of being successful in life...letting go of expectations and allowing things to unfold naturally. Of course their are times when only a hustle or determination can move things to their expected progress. The opportunity to shake the cobwebs out of my head and to enjoy pure air and spring water did me a world of good.