the rainy day

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better today

I was so frustrated yesterday and a bit less so today...but really it is only because the mood has changed to something else that needs to be fixed. I am sure that that reads as more confusing than I have written it. ANyway, it is a rainy day and we may be under storm watch for the next few days. I do want to go out though, so I shall see how that's going to go. I want to point out what I am achieving no matter how small, and today when I was particularly frustrated, I named why...it was because I had no shoes to put on to go to the kitchen. Now this is funny because my daughter has been stealing my shoes ever since she was about two. I have decided that I need to buy myself a pair of obnoxious fluffy, entire foot encased by some silly cartoon character tyoe of slipper so that she'll leave them alone. See what I did....I took the mood somethwere better.

You always feel that you wish you had more time. Having virtually gone to the funeral of an Artist whose work I appreciated, I am in a whistful mood. What the hell is time anyway? You do until you don't right.All the time is stretched out before me and I have no idea what sort of hourglass I am looking at. Somehow I don't know what I am looking at.When that's the case, ones eyes become adjusted and what is felt is more on the inside. What am I made of? Where do I want to epxress? Particularly in this world right now where Israel and Iran are destroying the other and the world seems more uncertain than ever. So it is essential to pull back and be aware that although so much distracts and concerns and worries, you have the hourglass and you have to remember that.

such beautiful failure

I haven't done this, I haven't done that. Suddenly I don't look like myself one moment and then the next I think it may be coming back. F__A__C__E______L__I__F__E squarely on and realise that I have something before me. A few weeks ago a very creative designer died. It was a slap in the face. I had been seeing their work and really enjoying it as I had to go past it a few times. That is what our work is supposed to do. I looked at a lot of what they had been doing when I heard about their passing, and as always, I found myself lamenting for their sudden ending. But they had enough work for me to say, what a body. There is a funny back and forth when writing about this. You have to be in the moment and just DO. I am writing so much today because I want to work, but I am exhausted. I think that I have mentioned this in the last few days. I have had at least three days of constant work with only three and four hours of sleep and stopping only to bring my food before my computer. I do it whenever I have a project, but this one was a doozy I guess because it was supposed to be a quick project and turned out to be as intense as any others I do. Also, I am in a funny mental space where I am in a limbo....coming down from things that came at me from many directions. So I am telling myself, come down from everything and decompress. Be grateful to be able to do so. You shall be setting off again very shortly.

my adult

Last night I realised that my daughter has literally come to the end of her highschool life. I took a look at her and felt a sense of the bittersweet. I was conscious that I was in that moment doing what parents all over the world do. We all have to say goodbye to a period of time given to us that was so precious, so filled with the expected and unexpected. I thought of her father missing out on the moment on Father's day. But he has chosen to lose things that to me seem deeply important for his own ego. Enough about him. The weeks ahead, I shall be thinking about her differently, and she and I have discussed her plans. But with all the planning, I also want her to take a little break. She needs to rest and regroup. I would like us to have perhaps two to three weeks of unscheduled fun.

Dis

While I was writing yesterday a few things occured to me and I planned on making note, but I have been running on fumes, doing a book, getting things for my daughter for her graduation and a host of other things. SO thus the title, DIS, as in dissatisfaction. But really, it is 'satisfaction' I have been following up on where my thoughts go. What happens when I make a plan and consider that whatever it is that I want to achieve will happen. Well I am so aware that that doesn't always happen. I am finding that my intentions that I stand behind is key. WHether it is the right timing, I give my best. But I aldo worry that I do too much (absolutely true) Everything that I do does not bring me money right away or for years sometime.So there is a hovering anxiety about supporting myself and yet also feeling wary about what I am doing. Completely overturning the applecart is my consideration now.

wanting to be so good that nothing happens

One of the things that I want to do for my birthday is to create a little book of my own work. I have wanted to be published, but it has not happened, so I have decided to make it happen anyway. I am coming to realisations that all that effort and longing and in some ways, forcing certain expectations in life are just stress inducing indulgences. Of course that may be the conclusion because of natural defeat. I say that to be funny, and I do mean it. I think that I am getting to the fleshier part of the proverbial onion whose layers are to be peeled back. As things fall away, you really focus differently. ALso within what does also continue to have a smidge of the past anxiety no matter...just old habits reminding myself of the journey...there is a clarity in it all.